Flexible Hours

Last night Amanda Nunes knocked out Ronda Rousey in 48 Seconds. When I have been at work in the kitchen for 48 seconds I haven't even gotten a single ticket for the breakfast orders. Then again, no one is trying to run around and punch me in the face (yet).

Must be nice.

How's My Driving?

I try my best not to compare myself to others. I've come to terms with the fact that while my brother was good at playing lacrosse and football, my skills were much more enhanced in areas such as handing people water or recalling the names and primary functions of the three branches of the United States government. It has dawned on me that if all the people on this planet were similar, then life would be boring and each day would be of a cookie-cutter variety with the same people doing the same thing at the same time.

Comparison can be lethal as we begin to focus on others instead of ourselves. I can't help but recall that picture of Olympic champion Michael Phelps cutting through the water with powerful strokes and the guy behind him looking directly at him. The caption reads "Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on winners." Let's all agree that it's a bit harsh to call the guy who took silver at the Olympics a loser. If I took home a silver medal, I would brag about that to everyone I knew, everyday for the rest of my life knowing that there's only one guy in the world who's going to top that story when the family gets together at Christmas and that guy is a whole continent away. Sadly, we seem to credit this guys' swimming prowess as much as we care about Bill Buckner's on base percentage or John Wilkes Booths' actor career.

So in that regard, it is important to focus on bettering yourself and looking straight ahead in your own lane. Another popular quote that I feel obligated to lob in here is "build your own dream or someone will hire you to build theirs. Unless you're Cobb from Inception, in which case you build a dream that causes your wife to lose touch with reality and jump off of a ledge, but cases such as that are few and far between." The point being this, until we master the ability to clone people, there only is or ever will be one of you to do the things that only you have been put in a position to do.

 Now, I am going to dispense with all of this motivational sentimental crap and let my guard down for a moment and open the door for an intimate interaction between you and I as I share an area in my life where I can't help but shift my focus from self-improvement to crippling comparison.

When I'm driving down the road during a rainstorm, I can't help but notice how fast other people have their wipers going in comparison to mine. Sadly, pretty much the second that Mother Nature puts a single teardrop on my windshield, I have this nasty tendency to crank the wipers up to rotations per second akin to that of Usain Bolt's arms in the 100 meter sprint. Meanwhile, everyone around me seems to have more of a lighters during a power ballad kind of speed going on and I think to myself "I need to calm down." Unfortunately, while others see a minor inconvenience. I see the end of the world as we know it.

In closing, we all have our shortcomings. Maybe you don't exercise as much as you should. Maybe you are a Chicago Blackhawks fan.  Maybe a pinch of precipitation causes you to send your windshield wipers into cycle rivaled only by that of the luggage in an overhead compartment on a turbulent flight. Again, I just ask that people remember "Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on memorizing the content of the 1935 fifteen hour filibuster by the appropriately named, Huey Long, on the floor of the U.S. Congress. Thank you very much.  

Wordgate: A Sit-Down with Bill Belichick

Getting involved with writing has afforded me the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people. Recently, I had the privilege of talking with New England Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick.  We discussed life, linemen and the pursuit of Super Bowl ring number five. What resulted from our time together was the following:

M: Bill, rumor has it that you are driving around a 2000 Chevrolet Blazer, any thoughts of trading in the car or bringing it to a junkyard and replacing that particular car before it does some serious damage to itself or others?

B: No! That’s ridiculous! I’m going to absolutely drive that thing into the ground. People say I need to remember how it broke down back in the winter of ’08, but other than that it has run absolutely fine! I don’t need to worry about resale value because I will not give it away! It is mine, my own, my precious!

M: Pop sensation Mariah Carey has a 5 octave vocal range, would you say that you struggle to hit anything above a D1?

B: Yeah, well I thought that if I zombied through enough of these interviews people would leave me alone, but clearly that’s not the case. I’m just going to resort to habitually asking people what time it is until they ask if there’s somewhere I need to be.

M: People have accused you of being dry and cold towards the press, would you mind telling me your favorite joke?

B: Knock, knock

M: Oh gosh…………Who’s there?

B: No one, because I have video surveillance on my property and I’ll curse you out before you get to the door! We don’t want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations.  HA!

M: Mr. Belichick, what is it that would make you happiest?

B: Well, I don’t know anything about that, but an occurrence that would cause my face to not look like I either just came from killing someone or I am getting myself mentally prepared to go kill someone directly after the interview would be to win that fifth Super Bowl Ring.

M: Fives rings huh? That would put you above some of the greats such as Charles Haley, Kim Kardashian and Brad Pitt

M: Bill, who are some of your heroes?

B: Ummm, English poet, Thomas Carlyle who is credited with the saying “Silence is golden.” I’ve always admired President Theodore Roosevelt who said “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Thirdly, Richard Nixon’s secretary, Rose Mary Woods, who accidentally erased a bunch of material on the Watergate tapes. Just amazing individuals with phenomenal track records.

M: After doing some digging, we found out that the girl you wanted to go to prom with ended up going with the quarterback of the football team, what are your thoughts about him?

B: I mean, he’s a great guy. He held doors open for her, pulled out her chair, picked up the restaurant tab every time they went out and he went to do the door each time he picked her up, didn’t just pull up in the driveway and beep. Just an all-around classy guy.

M: And you know all of this, how?

B: Camcorders, my friend.

M: You were born in 1952 which means your Chinese Zodiac is the Water Dragon, any thoughts on this?

B: What the heck is a Water Dragon? Dragons breathe fire, how do you have a Water Dragon, it’s stupid. It’s like a river on a hot day being described as dry and damp.

M: Did you intentionally dodge the use of the word moist?

B: Yes. Next question.

M: If you could speak another language which would it be and why?

B: Just plain English really, because just like the rest of the team, my football IQ is off the charts so when I stand up on the podium and really get into the meat of what our game plan was and what schemes we were using, then all of these poor journalists have to sit there nodding their acting as if they have the slightest clue what I’m talking about. It just must be stressful and very difficult.

M: Sources tell us that last year, your outdoor Christmas light display featured a lot of blue lights despite the fact that the only person to ever associate this color with Christmas was Elvis Presley, any reasoning behind this?

B: I’m on to this year.

M: I just want to know your thoughts on the criticism you received for having blue Christmas lights this year.

B: I’m on to this year.

M: Okay, Christmas lights are a touchy subject, got it. Bill, are you aware of the “Um Rum” drinking game where participants watch one of your press conferences and do a shot every time you say “um?”

B: No, I wasn’t aware of that.

M: Eh, don’t worry about it. After a while they’re not aware of it either. Ok, what was your dream job growing up?

B: A mannequin, next question.

M: Despite NASA reporting that they had the least favorable viewing of Haley’s Comet in 1986, did you enjoy getting to be around to see that take place?

B: Ummm, I missed it. I was busy with football stuff. I gotta do a better job of keeping track of when that is. Look it up in the morning, afternoon and evening. I’ll catch the next one.

M: It’s not estimated to return until July of 2061.

B: Yeah? So?

M: That would make you 109 years old.

B: Yep.

M: Alright, well your genes work better than your headsets, am I right? (nervous laughter)

B: (death stare) we good here?

M: Really? That’s how you want to end this? You could’ve gone with bye, good bye, ba-bye, thanks or thank you for your time, but instead you say “we good here” hastiness of a child that’s been forced to talk on the phone with his aging grandmother. Disappointing.  

(There’s no word as to whether or not journalists were harmed following the completion of this interview although Tom Brady said that he was “generally aware” of the presence of a roided up Hulk Hogan who was locked in a room with our reporter for a minute or two) 

Silent But Deadly

This morning I approached a crosswalk and saw a woman waiting for the walk light. I made the recommended two seconds of eye contact as if to non-verbally communicate "Howdy stranger, I see you there and I'm not going to bump into you nor am I a threat." I stopped at the crosswalk and she immediately walked over to the other side and waited there. I did a quick stretch and sniff to make sure everything was OK and it was. I now have two theories:

I am a burly, brawn intimidating young man who appears to have the capacity to explode into red hot rage at any moment which can be set off by something as simple as an annoyingly long traffic light and thus bystanders should maintain a certain circumference of safety  

I give off the vibe of being that creepy old guy sitting next to you on the plane that wants to tell you his life story and this woman is clearly too cool for that and she'd much rather spend those 30 seconds mentally preparing for that AARP sponsored rap battle she has to go to tonight.

Listen lady, I did over 200 hours of community service in high school, I hold doors open for people and I occasionally will wave on a car that is turning when I am going straight so quit being so judgmental

In closing, I was recently informed that women do not fart, they "fluff." (which to men kind of sounds grosser, but whatever.) So based on the abnormal amount of city smell that accompanied her departure, I fear that I was a victim of a maneuver which shall henceforth be known as the "Fluff and Flee."

It's A Bit Derivative

My interaction with a museum employee in Madrid :

"Is this piece of art being worked on?"

"That's a window and a closed curtain"

(Runs away embarrassed)

Scared Straight in Espana

To the Spanish kids on the field trip talking and joking around in the museum,

I took three planes, a train and walked a cross country careers worth of mileage to get here and this is right in your backyard so take some time to appreciate it.

Not sure if the chapperrone excitedly yelling at me was angry at me for hitting her kids or enthusiastically offering me a job based on the behavioral change in the children that resulted. Either way, you're welcome

It's Wedding Season

I'm Mark Woonton and these are the worst wedding hashtags of all-time:

1. #ThisStartedAsADare 
2. #NoNameChangeNeeded #AlabamaWeddings
3. #FifthTime'sACharm 
4. #SaveTheReceipt
5.  #ISettled 
6. #SheSaidMaybe
7. #VegasWedding #NoRingNoDJNoService
8. #IReallyJustLikeTheRing #MyPrecious 
9. #IGiveThisAWeekBeforeTheyTryToKillEachOther #SevenDays 
10. #SheComesFromMoney #SugarMama 
11. #DorisHasFinallyDoneIt #SeniorCitizenSweethearts #ClassOf1946 #RedLanternWeddings   

Making the Cut

Today at work i passed the little test which certifies me to carry around on my belt what they call a cutting knife (as opposed to a non-cutting knife???) Anyway, i prob can't post the questions on the internet, so here is the Mark Anthony Woonton Modified Acceptable Knife Handling Exam or MAWMAKHE for short:

1. Do you know that this isn't a toy?

2. Do you ever fantasize about being Zorro and act on those fantasies?

3. Do you have the desire to physically harm any of our workers?

4. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

5. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

6. Is it safe to assume that something called a woodchuck should be capable of chucking wood?

7. Who let the dogs out?

8. Do you hear what I hear?

9. Oh na na, whats my name?

10. Will you marry me?

An Apple A Day

I decided to have an apple instead of ice cream as a snack today so I grabbed out the apple slicer that you press down on the apple and it cuts it up evenly, but in the hands of someone who has the swordsman skills of that grumpy old hobbit sweeping his front porch, glaring at Frodo, Merry and Pippin in the Fellowship of the Ring, it very quickly became a dual-purpose item and turned into a thumb slicer. The coldness of the ice cream bowl is helping to heal my wounds from the McIntosh apples from Mordor

The Light Bulb Conspiracy

I would like to issue a formal apology to the members of my family as living on my own has brought on the sad revelation of the number of times it was I that left that dish in the sink, left that light on or did not change out that toilet paper roll, for that I am sorry. It's amazing what happens when you have no one to pin things on. In other news, the amount of light turning on and off that I do throughout the day probably leads the people across the street to believe that I am gearing up for what is sure to be the most depressing Christmas light display of all-time.

PSA (Public Sarcasm Announcement

If you are driving in a left turn lane, please (Chris Farley voice) “For the love of God” make a left turn. People seem to have this desire to want to engage in a game of Tic Tac T-Bone rather than recall the 1492 discovery of Christopher Columbus that the earth is indeed not flat, which today allows us to be comforted by the fact that if we have to drive forward an extra hundred feet, this ever revolving planet of ours will not allow us to spiral out of the solar system. Among my fathers’ ironclad axioms of adulthood like “Because I said so” or “Wait till your mother gets home” (because we all know who wielded the power, right?) was “If you get in a turn lane, make the turn.” Live free or die was a battle cry, not a suggestion.

Now, although this is probably a pointless errand, I’d like to address the drivers of Massachusetts:

“Mahk wants you to try wicked hahd to pahk ya cah so ya don’t look like an idiot.”

Thank you.

We the People

When trying to make plans with a group of friends is like trying to pass a bill in Congress

Top 10 Reasons Your Neighbor's Dog Won't Stop Barking

1.    It’s Sunday and they are practicing for Monday’s return of the malevolent mailman

2.      Michael Vick is watching the game over their house

3.      Dogs have moved on from their dream of starring in visual art such as Cassius Marcellus Coolidges’ 1894 painting “Dogs Playing Poker” and have slumped further into their gambling and money hungry addiction by looking to perfect Lady Gaga’s 2008 smash hit “Poker Face”…….It’s not going well

4.      The dogs just learned that Warner Bros has a new Scooby-Doo movie in the works set for release in 2018 and they want to tell everyone they know how excited they are about it

5.      Those dogs have seen you jogging around the neighborhood. They’ve heard you talk to friends and family about how you’re going to eat right and get in shape, but they can see those pizza boxes. They can see into your window, into your kitchen and into your soul. You disgust them.

6.      Much like the human Last Clap Contest where two semi-civilized human beings try to get the last clap in during a round of applause at a performance, dogs participate in a Last Bark Contest in which two dogs engage in an exchange of back and forth barking and the winner is the one left standing after the irate owner has pulled out all of his hair and then proceeds to pull out a shotgun and cut the front yards’ dog population down by 50%

7.      The dogs are Dallas bred Redbone Coonhounds and they bark every time a car goes down the street that is not an American made vehicle. Although the dogs are very opinionated and slightly (if not extremely) racist, they just want to bring awareness to the fact that we are doing a grave disservice to our domestic economy by seeking easier and cheaper products overseas

8.      The dog is a sadistic little screwball who loves the harmless but unpleasant electrical pulse he gets anytime he wanders too close to the street. A sensation that borders right on the precipice of pleasure and pain jolts through his body and this bark is simply him repeatedly saying “please sir, may I have another?”

9.      Much like that annoying, short chick you went to high school with, the small dog stuck in her tiny world surrounded by dozens of giant, free roaming humanoids simply wants attention and has decided to continuously complain about the food it’s being served inside, the temperature outside and the fact that the dog across the street has the audacity and unneutered undercarriage to wear the exact same purple collar that that dog is wearing even though she had insisted that today was her day to wear a purple collar

10.   The dog can see in your upstairs window that you are being robbed, but you are far too busy downstairs stuffing your face with pizza to notice and you’re about to lose all of the jewelry you bought your wife over the years because you can’t hear the bustling and bumping of burglary because you’re yelling at the dog…….jerk. 

False Advertising

I am both baffled and embarrassed by the recollection of that period of time in high school that I felt it was OK for someone with my anatomical build to wear a Tapout shirt

Cut Off

Tony Romo and Robert Griffin III walk into a bar, both of them trip in the doorway and hurt themselves and they are asked to leave before they can do any more physical or emotional damage to those around them.

You Darn Kids

I've been living in my place for over a year getting to know the people and places around me and today I finally met the representative grumpy old lady who feels like everyone drives down the street too fast. Listen, when you have an iced coffee in your car in August you can drive how you want, but I'm going to get home in a way that allows me to enjoy more than a caffeinated puddle, alright?

Let the Games Begin

I've decided that if they ever put stand up comedy in the Olympics, after Brian Regan and Jim Gaffigan are suddenly unable to compete do to a mysterious case of food poisoning that I would in no way be connected to, I would be the  next logical choice to represent the United States (after trying out and placing 4th in the sport of humility) And after I take home the gold, I would take those flowers that they give the medalists and go home to my blond haired, blue eyed, 5 foot 3 wife (and just for the sake of making sure I didn't  just describe one of my fabulous female friends, she also has to have a missing pinky toe on her left foot from an accident in her past life as an English explorer when she was sticking the flag in the ground of the New World saying "I claim this land in the name of OWWW!" Anyway, I would take the flowers back to my home in Butte, Montana where I chose to live simply because the first time I saw that written on a map as a kid I thought it was pronounced Butt, and that's my rationality for where I will live as an adult. Anyway, my wife couldn't make it to the games because she was far too busy at her job as a part time heart surgeon and part time lawyer, career choices which became necessary because her husband spends far too much time blogging when he should be getting ready for work to make any money and I would give her the flowers and say "I couldn't stop thinking about you while I was in the Olympics in Antarctica. And while I was there I applied to the University of Antarctica and they gave me a T-shirt just for applying, isn't that awesome! Sorryvthey are a little shredded, we got attacked by a rabid waddle of penguins." She would look me in the eyes and say "That's ok sweetie, but we are out of milk can you go pick some up?" And I would say the only two words a good husband needs to know........"FINE, WOMAN!" Just kidding. "Yes, dear"

Corporate Courtship

At work today, a woman complimented my job in the dish room telling me that I was friendly and worked very hard. She then asked what was an obvious follow up question to that which allowed our dialogue to have the conversational continuity of a film series that goes from Lord of the Rings 1 to Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to Star Wars Episode 3 and finishes up with Harry Potter 4.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" she asked

 I decided to cut her off at the pass and let her down easy......"Listen lady, I appreciate it, but you're like 96 years old and your English is mediocre at best so I just think communication would be a huge problem for us, I appreciate the compliment of your interest though."

 I said no I didn't and she said "Don't worry she's out there somewhere (as if my future wife is some lost kitten just aimlessly wandering around) Just keep working hard and she'll find you." she said

"I'm washing dishes..... I spend several hours a day scraping crusty, old lasagna primavera out of a sheet-pan, so unless I'm meant to be with Ariel from the little mermaid or 2004 Christina Aguilera pops outta this industrial sized dishwasher and does an absolutely killer rendition of "Car Wash"  I don't think this is the answer to my problem. I appreciate this 7th Heaven moment very much, but let's just think about dishes now."

We proceeded to promptly and peacefully put away the remainder of the plates and silverware.

Do Not Follow

Am I the only one who's really creeped out by the construction vehicles with signs that say "Do Not Follow" on the back?

 I have certainly had my fair share of close call collisions because I sped up to the car in front of me to get a closer look at a sticker that ended up saying "Watch Out for the Idiot Behind Me" but the "Do Not Follow" sign has been the bumper bauble that has repetitiously and relentlessly captured my attention.

Comedian Demetri Martin once said "a bumper sticker is like a sign that says hey, let's never hang out." So, if the main thing this truck driver wants me to know about him during our brief exchange of fossil fuels and fingers is that he is not to be followed, I have developed several theories as to what these vehicles might be trying to communicate to us via their little trunk trinkets.

1. It is simply a motivational bumper sticker reminding those people trailing a tractor trailer to traverse treacherous terrain with the traits of a totalitarian, reminding them to lead and not follow in others footsteps.

2. These vehicles serve as the storage and transportation agents for children's Christmas gifts. With the knowledge that childhood patience is at an all-time low because of  fast food drive-thrus and same day shipping, it is a commonly held belief that many children will scour their homes like some deck the halls DEA raid team in the hopes of an early unearthing of their late December despoil. In an effort to thwart these preschoolers plans, gifts are stored in these trucks hiding in plain sight 364 days out of the year.

3. The truck is a member of the Acapulco arm of the Autobots organization and the statement "Do Not Follow" serves as a suggestion to fellow drivers sharing the road with them based on the mutual understanding that this trucks diet consists mainly of Quaker State and Quesalupas and traveling behind it would be like pacing back and forth in a high school boys locker room

4. The sign is a polar opposite to the "How's My Driving" sticker and alerts other drivers of people such as myself with visual impairments that can make driving a bit more of a challenge and result in some maneuvers that give off the impression of being drunk when in reality there's just a moderate mix of fear and anxiety and the sticker says "Do Not Follow" just because "DON'T JUDGE ME!" would sound far too whiny

5. The sticker reminds those travelling with small and impressionable children that the driver of the truck is most likely a trucker, someone who possesses the linguistic skills of a parrot and the word choice of a platinum-selling Rap artist and unless people want their son or daughter repeating these newly discovered dialectal gems later on in the company of family and friends, they best steer clear of the communication breakdown lane that comes with traveling too closely behind a trucker.

Those are just some theories and thoughts that I have regarding the rear-facing reprimands that we come into contact with on the roadways and if you'd like to believe one of the aforementioned ideas or further pursue its validity that is now up to you. However, if you are against the notions that gaseous galactic robots are now among us or an overweight senior citizen who's only known to work one day out of the year spends his entire off-season driving around protecting his stash, well then you and your thoughts are welcome to adhere to the advice of Fleetwood Mac and go your own way.  

Prepare For Trouble

 I was going to either write a status about my opinion on how the presidential debate went last night or write a status about how I am going to spend the entire day today pretending to be a Pokémon; vote now (no political pun intended)…………… Very well, Pokémon it is! I’m going to respond to everything that’s said to me today by going “MARK! MARK!” 

Mark is challenged by a wild College! 
College sends out Philosophy class.
 Mark uses snooze bar. 
It is not very effective. 
College uses 8 a.m start time.
 Mark has fallen asleep.
College uses Professor Throws Chalk at Slumbering Student. 
It is not very effective. 
Mark is fast asleep. 
College uses Pop Quiz on Saint Anselm's Ontological Argument. 
Mark wakes up! 
College uses T.A hands out quiz
Mark is now confused! 
College uses "You Need To Change The Wording On Number Four" 
Mark is still confused 
College uses Really Cute Girl Asks If Mark Has An Extra Pen
Mark Runs Away

My Affairs

The only time in my life that I've ever felt even remotely tough is when I'm cleaning out the car and smacking the floor mats up against a brick wall, I can't help but feel like a mob boss trying to get information out of someone

"Where's the loose change?!! Where is it?!! Don't you dare lie to me......"

Smokin' Hot

Lady in the parking lot asked me if I had a butt

"Yes, and I'd appreciate it if you stopped checking it out"

She was both disappointed and unamused

A Walk to Remember

This morning I went for a walk around my neighborhood and saw a kid playing in his front yard. Unlike many teenagers with their phones today, he turned his attention from his truck and Crunch bar, smiled at me and said “Hi, I’m Adam, what’s your name?” Prior experience had told me that talking to strangers is dangerous and strangers with candy (which coincidentally sounds like a phone app for pedophiles) are one step away from being on the terrorist watch list. My survival instincts kicked in and I planned an escape route just in case this total stranger tried anything crazy. I may not be able to fight, but I did Cross Country and Track for six years so when tensions get hot, I do what Chris Brown and Chuck Berry told me to do and run! Sure, this kid was only half my size, but Jackie Chan is only 5’9 and he foiled the plans of some schoolyard bullies with nothing but decades of martial arts training and a windbreaker, so I wasn’t going to take any chances. Moments later, an angelic voice from Heaven drew the boys’ attention and allowed me and opportunity to escape. Well, it was not so much from Heaven, but from the kitchen window and wouldn’t pass as an angelic voice in even the most lenient of church choirs as it would a shrill, bloodcurdling shout. A woman who I presume was either the boys’ mother or my old elementary school bus driver shouted “Adam! Get in the house right now!” He turned to me and said “Well, I gotta go. It was nice meeting you. Bye!”

I may never see that kid again, but I sincerely hope he ends up in the hospitality business, because from start to finish he handled this situation like a champ. He acknowledged someone’s presence in a friendly and upbeat manner, maintained his calm demeanor when someone around him got hostile and above all, followed instructions he was given in a direct and dignified way. So thank you kid, because despite the fact that my generation has turned Taco Bell into a breakfast destination and reality television show personalities into presidential candidates, you give me hope that all is not lost!

How Did You Two Meet?

I bumped into an old friend of mine and asked her how things were going with a guy she had recently started dating. Actually, that's not true, I asked her how her new job was going and either she decided to treat that question like Bill Belichick treats a reporters question at a press conference and just not answer it at all or the vernacular variations between the men of Mars and the women of Venus caused my question to be received as the following: "Please tell me how you and your boyfriend met."

This was verbatim the story that followed and is perhaps the most concise tale of courtship I have ever been told: "I just kind of followed him around until he asked me out."

Now, given the social and workplace inequality that women have faced over the years, I would never make the claim that women have it easier than men in almost any aspect of daily life. Heck, I'm impressed by the fact that a girl can whip her hair into a pretty little ponytail without even looking. Had I been born a Margaret instead of a Mark, any time I tried to do that I would most likely end up accidentally looking the way Deryck Whilbey of Sum 41 has chosen to look on purpose.

In this moment, I realized a key difference in the way certain things are perceived by men and women, because while a mans' reaction to a young lady following him around the Quad for three days is best represented by Dem Franchize Boyz, an Atlanta based Rap group wishing to raise awareness of the letter "Z" with their 2005 hit single hit "Oh, I Think They Like Me" a woman's reaction to a man doing this is more along the lines of 2004 Jojo and just like every other Boston woman, she just wants you to "leave, get out!" Your local police also have a cute little code name for when a man does this to a woman. It's called stalking and you can get in a lot of trouble for it.

Along with the joy that comes with seeing one of my friends happily in a relationship, I really wish these two a lifetime of happiness because I'd love for that to be exactly the way the story is told when little Susie climbs up onto Daddy's lap and asks him how he met mommy.

"Well, sweetheart, mommy followed daddy around campus for a few days like Pikachu following Ash in Yellow Version, so daddy eventually figured "what the hell, why not?"

What Time Is It

If people use the phrase "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" as an excuse to drink can I use "it's my bedtime somewhere" as an excuse to nap?

The Thug Life Chose Me

Fear: It's that feeling you got when your mother started off dinnertime by saying "Now, this is a new recipe so you will have to tell me what you think."

In the past, I've shared some rather silly stories and I would now like to share the story of the time in my life that I was most afraid. Prior to telling that story I might as well just admit that, as a child, I was absolutely terrified by those cheesy Halloween cassette tapes and the part of the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas song where David Seville is screaming at Alvin to pay attention. Despite my childhood aversion to music which featured screaming, I grew up to become quite the fan of bands like Linkin Park and Rise Against. Now I feel as though we can begin.

During the first semester of my freshman year in high school I spent five weeks at Children's Hospital in Boston. At birth, my spinal fluid was not circulating correctly and as a result the buildup was doing something that the Pelham public school system could never do, creating pressure on my brain. The only remedy for this was to have a tube placed in my head to create a pathway for the excess fluid. The fact that the tube is man-made means that it has a tendency to break quicker than Glen Whitmann in an interrogation room. A surgical procedure is done to replace the shunt and after a few weeks of recovery, I am back to normal (whatever that means).

One would think that the most stressful part of a hospital experience would be dealing with pain or ones general sense of sadness at being in the hospital, this was not the case for me. Much like all of the problems in a teenagers' life, my anxiety was caused by something totally out of my control.

One night, I was woken from a drug cocktail induced slumber by the sound of a patient being wheeled into the room on the other side of the curtain. I was pretty doped up, but there are certain hospital hypnosis buzz words that tend to cut through the pharmaceutical fog, these words include: gang member, drugs, knife fight and gunshot wound. As I would later find out, the kid next to me was put in the hospital as a result of gang violence. While I won't claim to have researched much on the topic of healthcare in the United States, I do believe that if we are going to pair college roommates based on their compatibility in majors, music and schedule preferences, hospital roommates should at least be separated based on two Yes or No questions:

1. I am here as a result of something that happened prior to or during my birth which was completely out of my control
2. I am here as a result of a series of poor personal decisions I made following the time-frame mentioned in the previous question

The worst part of this entire ordeal was that, despite my non-existent record of bad-ass behavior, I knew that members of a gang viewed a hit in a vastly different manner than they viewed a high school education in that they do not like to leave the former half finished. 

While I spent most of my time eating french toast and watching my spinal fluid drip into a bag, the crip keeper to my left filled his day on his cell phone daring rival gang members to come and finish what they had started. I don't know if this was caused by him being exhausted from the lifestyle and he just wanted it to be over or maybe it was an arrogant sense of pride that drove this behavior. I just didn't like how specific he was getting about his location:

"Ya know what? I wish you would! I wish you would come up in here and finish the job! Do it! I'll be right here, homie.  Right here at One Hospital Drive in Boston, Massachusetts room 834 on the other side of the curtain from the scrawny kid with the glasses and the pee stains on his johnny."

Sure, he couldn't identify the state of Maine on a map the third time he failed United States geography, but if you dare call his toughness into question, he can pinpoint his location with latitude and longitudinal precision. So I freaked out, because I knew if someone came in the room to take him out, they're not going to leave any witnesses. 

Now, my experiences in the hospital have allowed me to travel to many different places both wonderful and woeful. I have been high atop Morphine Mountain. I have dined in Percocet Palace and I have drank of the Oxycodone Oasis. Nothing has EVER gotten me feeling more prepared to leave the hospital than being in close quarters with a criminal. My hope is that you, as the reader, don't know what this situation feels like, but for the sake of allowing you to be included in my anxiety, imagine you are on a plane and there's a baby that is crying uncontrollably. Now imagine that that baby wants you dead. That is what that feels like and that is the time in my life I was most afraid,    

Check Yourself, Romeo

That annoying friend that thinks that every girl that talks to him is interested

"Dude, she's totally into me!"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that the 43 year old waitress at Olive Garden is contractually obligated to ask you whether you want a soup or a salad with your lunch."

Do The Wave

You know what really grinds my gears? When people take a line from a TV show and use it as their own. I'm joking, what really grinds my gears is when people ask stupid rhetorical questions. Wrong again. No, but i do get mad when i walk by someone and I wave at them and they just put their hand out flat and put it up in the air. What they have just done is not legally considered a wave, because waving implies some sort of motion. You don't go out on a boat in the middle of the ocean on a calm day and say "look at all the waves" there needs to be movement. Listen, if I'm going to put forth the effort to rotate my wrist back and forth to show that I am happy to see you, all I ask is that you show the same effort.

Living in a Bubble

I've decided that when I'm an old man I'm going to wear bubble wrap around my clothes, that way when I fall, it's at least a little funny.

Don't Make Me Angry

"Don't make me angry...No seriously, I start getting stressed, my skin gets all weird and then I end up punching people in the face".....Incredible Hulk or Angry Adolescent???

Easy As....

I hate when I encounter those chip bags that say "easy open seal" or the TV installation guides that are entitled "easy installation." Labeling something as easy is a relative term, isn't it? Based on my experiences with opening chip bags and installing televisions my only guess is that nuclear physicists are involved in the electronics and snack food businesses if they think this stuff is easy. Also, despite the fact that I would be tried as an adult if I were to kill an electronics manufacturer, the childproof cap on my seizure medication is certainly keeping me young.

An Immodest Proposal

You know what really causes friction between my cogs? (I tried to make that my own) guys that ask girls out through text message. It’s only a matter of time before guys start proposing through text message. (Sadly, I’m sure its been done already) "Oh Timmy, your father was so romantic. He waited until the beginning of the month so he didn't have to worry about going over on his minutes, he was driving home from work and got through that hilly part of town where we get no reception and just as the sun was setting but slightly before the free night time calling began at 9 p.m, I’m not quite sure why he didn’t wait, we could’ve saved a lot of money…. Anyway, he sent me the text saying “Will u plz marry me?” And as I began to tear up, I could barely see the keypad to text back “ya lol” Instead of complaining about the wimpy, non-creative generation I am a part of I thought I'd come up with a couple of ways that auto-correct could skew the question.

“Will you Marriott rewards points me?”
“Will you be my wiffle ball?”
“I want to be with you today, tomorrow and Ford Escape”
“I want to spend the rest of my life with Yoda”
“I’ll be your groom if you’ll be my Bridgeport Connecticut”

"I want to be with you today, tomorrow and Ford Escape”

“I want to spend the rest of my life with Yoda”
“I’ll be your groom if you’ll be my Bridgeport Connecticut

That is the Question

Just saw an ad on the side of Google that said “learn 3 questions that will make her want to kiss you.” Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong:
1.“Will you marry me?”
2.“Is that a new (hairstyle/outfit/piece of jewelry or some observation that implies that you somewhat pay attention)?
3.“My family went out to eat last night and there’s some leftover (insert the name of her favorite food here) in the fridge, do you want the rest?”

And there’s actually a 4th one that these “relationship geniuses” didn’t pick up on
4.“Is it OK if I wear a Ryan Gosling mask with a cut-out where the mouth goes on our date tonight?

Criminal Clientele

Whenever I go get my haircut I always tell the hairdresser (btw if they're getting rid of hair isn't that technically hair undressing??) anyway, i always tell them about the "bump" on my head and that it's perfectly fine to cut over it. But somehow, in mid-air my words must change to "Whatever you do, DO NOT cut this area of my head or I will place an old Pelhamite curse on your family for generations to come", because I always end up with a thicket of hair where the bump is. So today I was telling the lady it's fine to cut over it, speaking clearly and slowly to be sure I was understood. She says "Oh ya, that's fine! Don't worry, i had a guy with a bullet wound in his head come here before."......Ok, first of all, I've never heard a sentence that started with "don't worry" and ended with the words  "bullet wound" before. Secondly, what kind of clientele are you serving? What if they come back in here looking to finish the job? I am home now, safe and sound, after doing 90 out of the parking lot... with a half shaven head.

That's A Rap

Based on the millions of dollars that they make, I have no idea why every rapper looks so upset on their CD cover. If I ever pursued a career in rap (which is about as likely as Bobby Boucher pursuing a career as a public speaker) my first CD cover would just be a close-up pic of one of my surgical scars (which would hopefully earn me some street cred and get me tons of money although I'd have to write songs about very taboo rap topics such as: Growing up in upper-middle class New Hampshire, having parents that always told me they loved me, and completing and handing my homework in on time) and my 2nd CD cover would be me wearing a crown made out of rock candy, holding a giant candy cane scepter, wearing a cape made from fruit roll-ups, with ring pops on each finger and a fruit loop necklace hanging low and wobbling to the flo' (because apparently jewelry that presents a tripping hazard is sought after in the rap community) and to top it all off, I'd be sitting on a giant Chocolate Easter Bunny throne. The CD would be called "Guess what I did with all your money?" Be on the lookout for my first song "Can You Take Me to the Candy Shop and Buy Me Some Candy Because I Left My Wallet at Home Yes That's Right I Carry My Money Around in a Wallet, Not Just Tied up in Rubber bands and then I'll Probably Need a Ride to the Hospital Afterwards"

Tis the Season

To the delight of non-sports people everywhere the NFL Draft is out of the way and as an overall percentage of the population, very few lives were affected. However,  a different draft has taken over national attention for the start of a different season, Allergy Season! Here are the results from Day One of the Allergy Draft:

Ojo State DryEyes had request to draft waterboys denied

With a dry spell during the winter season, Nasal Cavity State (NC State) used their 1st and 2nd round picks to draft the leagues projected top Runnyfronts

The Pit Stop Food Stealers continue to exclusively draft players out of San Dwich University who record the most Pancakes

The Washing-a-ton Irritated Redskins continue to favor players coming out of Poison Ivy League schools with their drafting of notoriously dirty player, Imaitch Suhmac

The Poison Oak Land Raiders are expected to have a short and obnoxious season causing everyone in their fan base to develop unhealthy and downright creepy looking skin

The Allegra D also appears to be riddled with problems ranging from headaches and memory loss to itching and constipation

The Kleenex Brands are looking for some relief after unproductive negotiations with top prospect Johnny FootCream who has now entered into talks with the Houston Ointments

And the silly and somewhat offensive leader for Team Mark is expected to mow for one yard this season

Stay tuned for up to the minute developments as the allergy season wears on right here at musingswithmark.blogspot.com

Hygiene High Jinks

No shave November is essentially dedicating a month to bad hygiene and uncleanliness. Let’s get something going for the other months of the year!

Just shower once a week January – If you need me to explain this one further please come and see me personally….so that I may punch you in the face. (An early threat of physical violence is the best way to make your reader want to continue reading.)

Five minute flatulence February – At your place of work or schooling, at least one person in the room is required to fart every five minutes

Manicure March (go one month without cutting your fingernails. And whoever does the best Wolverine impression at the end of the month wins a trip to Fuji on me. And if you don’t wanna go to Fuji, tough bananas!)

Anti-Anti-perspirant April (No deodorant use allowed)

Midnight Marathon May (Every Night you must go for a run for at least 5 miles and then go to sleep in the clothes you just ran in)

Jump in a lake with dangerously high bacteria levels and dirty diapers every day June – pretty self explanatory, I’m sure you have a lake like this nearby

Jump in a lake with dangerously high bacteria levels and dirty diapers every day July – Ok, so I was kinda hoping that you guys would be so distracted and impressed by my enhanced vocabulary in that last one because explanatory is a 5 syllable word that you wouldn’t notice I used the same one twice.

Anthotyros in the Pocket August – Anthotyros is a type of traditional,unpasteurized Greek cheese. For the month of August, everyone must carry a block of cheese around in their pocket. To add some fun to the game, anytime anyone uses the phrase “In the meantime…” you must switch your block of cheese with someone else

Squeeze a Hobo September – Go into the city and hug a homeless guy (or girl) every day (a hug is only a hug if it lasts a least 5 seconds. Have the cop telling the hobo to "move along" count it out for you.

Old Milk October – In September, buy a gallon of milk that expires October 1st and instead of using cologne or perfume use a handful of old milk for that entire month. I tried to make it sound like Old Spice (even though that is a deodorant) and now that i explained it you probably find it less funny and those that got it before probably feel ass though I've insulted their intelligence....frown emoticon

Nasal Cavity greeting November – Before you shake someones hand, you are required to pick your nose

“Dude, that’s gross.” December – Tell someone all of these disgusting things that you’ve been doing for the past 11 months and if they say “Dude, that’s gross.” Using exactly those words, then I’ll give you a Fruit Roll Up or something.

It's All In Your Head

Here are five completely made up diseases I feel I suffer from:
1.Psycho-uselessness: Only being able to recall useless bits of information learned throughout your childhood as opposed to remembering what was covered in your Historical Perspectives class just yesterday.
2.Isolated Mirror Muscular Enlargement: Your muscles randomly appear to be excessively larger the day after your workout when you look in the mirror in a room by yourself.
3.The Pre-Pubescent Stair Master: This is when you have a very difficult time growing facial hair, and when you are able to it seems to come in a shade 10 times darker than the hair on your head and thus looks like a moustache you bought at a costume store. Or when it does grow in, it’s very itchy and uncomfortable and thus every time you get a little growth, you are inclined to shave it off and choose comfort over the chance of looking sophisticated. Thus, you are caught in a vicious circle of feeling like your making progress but then being forced to start over. Females suffering from this should seek immediate medical attention
4.Nocturnal Time Travel Syndrome: (NTTS) Going to bed by 11 and feeling like you’ve been asleep for 3 and a half seconds and suddenly waking up at 7 a.m. (swearing or inappropriate word chose may occur upon standing)
5.Slipping Standards Syndrome: (SSS) The feeling that as long as your side of the room is cleaner than or on par with the cleanliness of your roommates’ side of the room, it is clean

Behind the Bars

Not sure if it’s cool to rag on dead people, but something really needs to be said about this Francis Scott Key fella. There were people fighting and risking their lives and you’re contribution is sitting there writing songs instead of trying to find a shovel to dig your way out of there like you’re Stanley Yelnats at Camp Green Lake?! In all fairness, given the amount of sporting events across the nation each year, that song is probably played more times annually than those four songs that are on the radio nowadays. Heck, the multi-million dollar rap industry is practically built on guys talking about being in jail, going into jail or doing things that will eventually land them in jail. So maybe that’s the key to writing good music, a little time behind bars. In which case I say we find charges to put Taylor Swift away for a couple years so that every song she puts out isn’t a piece of crap. Even if we have to make up a charge to get her in front of a judge, like Aggravated Dating or something. Let’s see how talented she really is when there’s a 300 foot brick wall, armed guards and visitation hours separating her from all of the horrible men she’s dated. Taylor here's an opening line suggestion for ya: "My song is a slammin' cell door, sneakin' out past curfew, gettin' zapped with a taser."

Droplets of Consciousness

Jack Reacher – Poor boy Jack Dawson attempts to woo rich girl, Rose Bukater, who’s way out of his league, winds up getting cold feet.

What do you call counterfeit dollar bills that are put in an offering plate on Sunday? Baal Money

Why is there a braille panel in the drive-thru lane at the bank? (No punchline, just wondering)

Recent studies have shown that when a girl gets up and publicly announces “I have to pee!” They are lying to some extant roughly 50% of the time

It is truly a shame that we live in a country with intellectual levels at the point where it was necessary to have the first step on the bottle of stove-top cleaner be "allow surface to cool before cleaning”

Cutting in line like an adult: When the car in front of you in the drive-thru gets to the speaker and you just yell your order louder than they are talking……..Try it!

One way to tell that you are gaining authority in the workplace is when people start asking you permission to go to the bathroom

I’ve heard of people accidentally scaring themselves in a mirror, but the other day I hung up a suit and pants on the back of my door and came back a few minutes later and forgot that I did that and for a split second I thought some tall, suave burglar had broken into my room. Has this happened to anyone else?

Slip Resistant shoes: You can make slip resistant shoes. You can’t make slip resistant people.

As a 23 years old I feel as though At family/friends get-togethers I am in that conversational purgatory where I am too old for the booger-flinging and Barbie doll banter that takes place at the kids table, but too young for the career talk and crisis in Crimea conversation at the adult table

And now, a quote from Ferris Bueller “You’re still here? It’s over. Go home.”

State Of A Fair

Deep-fried Oreo Balls and bacon dipped in chocolate.

These two inexplicably edible items were fired up in Hell’s Kitchen, placed on the Diabetes Dumbwaiter and made available for mass consumption by the public at a state fair I recently went to. In pairing together such a corrupt combination, this also serves as the culinary industry’s answer to the question “How would you best describe the May 2014 wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West?” Well, let’s just put these two horrible, awful things together in the hopes that they aren’t able to bother anything else that has a fighting chance of doing some good in someone’s life.

If you’re looking for a hillbilly hilarious take on the ins and outs of a state fair, I strongly suggest that you check out the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, I’m just here to share my singular experience. In fact, just so you see that phrase once more in your lifetime allow me to reiterate, I strongly suggest that you check out the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

The fair featured six life-size replicas of each of the New England statehouses. The New Hampshire house had a sign reading the states’ motto of “Live Free or Die” a quote from General John Stark which, while it is very inspirational, citing it did not save me from the repercussions of missing curfew in high school. At the front of the house, Adam Sandler’s parents stood profusely apologizing to each passerby for the first Grown-ups movie.

The Vermont house had a single man standing in it, trying way too hard to sell me on maple syrup like he was some early morning mealtime evangelist. I’m sorry, but Log Cabin and Aunt Jemima are just fantastic and if I have to deal with the artery obstructing consequences later in life and the guilt trip of my gluttonous behavior in the life after this, so be it.

I made an absolute killing in the Massachusetts statehouse, betting its booth workers a dollar that they wouldn’t be able to pronounce my name correctly.       

One of the booths at the fair was a weather disaster trivia game that my brother and I absolutely destroyed. (In this case, the word destroyed means “excelled in displaying accurate knowledge of.” Much like George Thorogood makes being bad to the bone sound like a positive thing, here the word destroyed is not a reference to vandalism or defacing public property.)  So long as all of the stratospheric situations were hypothetical, my brother and I knew exactly what to do in blizzards, hurricanes and tornadoes. However, I do possess enough foresight and self-awareness to know that, based on my body type, if I am cast in Day After Tomorrow sequel, I will not be lifting cars off of people or carrying anyone to safety, I will be the guy behind the computer telling the main characters where the storm is headed.

The critical part of our story brings us to a particular booth set up by the United States Marine Corps. Now, I’m not going to pretend that anything in my blog has had some sort of life lesson or takeaway for you as the reader and for that, I sincerely apologize, but if there’s one message I’d like you to clearly grasp through all of the silly storm clouds and haze of hilarity it’s this, fully read any document that you are signing.

The Marine booth had an information station and a pull-up bar to the side of it. Much like the medieval citizens in The Sword in the Stone, many musclebound men approached the pull-up bar and attempted to win the admiration of onlookers whose aspirations included eating chili cheese fries and successfully finding somewhere to sit. For reasons unclear to me even today, the trailer trash tractor beam somehow got a hold of me and I found myself in a line where my height, weight and lack of facial hair density put me as a far outlier in the anabolic amped up anxiously awaiting group. I got to the front of the line and waited for the Marines at the booth to get the step-stool so I could reach the pull-up bar. I began a slow, up and down motion     

While I was in the middle of doing pull-ups, members of my family were:

A.    Cheering me on and being encouraging and supportive

B.     On their cell phones

C.     Texting others from their cellular devices

D.    Definitely cast under some sort of smitten spell from their cell phones

Which means that now, when I tell them that I was capable of doing 25 pull-ups it just sounds like a fabled fishing story where someone says “Seriously, the fish was THIS BIG!” and of course is met with unbelief on their part. The Marines gave me a piece of paper to sign, so I lifted my aching arm, made my mark (no pun intended) and went on my way.

A few days after the fair while I was standing in my kitchen, a black SUV pulled up in my driveway and out of the vehicle popped two fully uniformed Marines. The sight of these two vascular visitors made me question both what they were doing in my driveway and my own sexual orientation. I wish I could say that my first thought was “Oh good, company!” But it wasn’t so much that as it was “OK, maybe that traffic light I went through this morning wasn’t yellow, but I thought that would be dealt with at a local level.” I answered the door and one of them said “Are you Mark Woonton?” 

Historically, answering this question has led to something either very good or very bad so I hesitantly said “Yes.” The officer told me that in my haste to get back to Freddy Krueger’s frialator, I had checked a box saying that I was very interested in getting more information about joining the Marines. He said this with a tone in his voice hinting that he knew it must have been some sort of mistake. I put down my Go-Gurt, wiped a few tears with my Aerosmith T-shirt and thanked him for coming to see me. He went on to tell me that an occurrence such as this warranted a very rare case of having to go through a house call dishonorable discharge.   

Dishonorable discharge from the military for someone who hasn’t even left for camp yet involves Mushu, the dragon from Mulan, jumping out of his military pack and shouting “Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow and dishonor on your whole family!” Which made me happy and sad at the same time. 

Trump Roast

Donald Trump, Flava Flav and Charlie Sheen all have the qualities that made them a great guest of honor on the Comedy Central Roast Of.....However, despite their seemingly equal level of qualifications, only one of these people is now being viewed as the type of person we want to see running the country.

Charlie Sheen Campaign Slogan: Duh? Winning!

Flava Flav Campaign Slogan: YEAH BOYEEEE!!!

Scarry Potter

Scars are beautiful. That's the first thing that pops up in Google if you were to search "scars are." If scars are beautiful, consider me the Miss America pageant, because I've got quite the collection. An extensive neurological history along with a ruptured appendix, gal stones and two eye surgeries given me a few supposedly sexy souvenirs and has also left me personally responsible for most of the grey hairs on my parents heads. I've always wondered where that line is though, because through a little scar under the eye of some rugged, middle-aged man in a leather jacket and you have yourself one spicy specimen with just the right mix of debonair and dangerous. Put some slight bruising under the eye of a scrawny White kid and "Oh, what happened?" quickly turns into "What the heck did you do now?"

Every scar has a story behind it and every story needs a catchy title, so without further ado (a phrase I plan on never using again) here are some possible titles for my later in life memoirs that any laceration-laden lads and lasses can certainly use if they so desire:

1. Peter and His Bedpan 
2. The Confident Boy in the Backless Hospital Gown
3. The Great Gastroenterologist 
4. The Curious Case of the Herniated Belly Button
5. Ruptured Appendix: This is Really the End
6. Sled Jump and Stitches
7. The Shunt Replacements 
8. The Lazy Eye Adjustment Bureau
9. The Gallstone Council
10. Scarhead  
11. Hydrocephalus Boy "M-m-momma say if I play football my head will explode."

In conclusion, scars are like 6-pack abs, getting them is not fun, but once you have them you are bound to get peoples' attention.

Boys to Men

Given the "everybody gets a trophy" era we currently find ourselves in, I've decided to loose another dangerous thought that's been rolling around in my head for weeks and unleash it on the internet. I believe that men should receive figurative or real badges, like the ones from Pokemon, in their teens and early 20s for doing things that propel them into manhood (Badge One would probably be to stop referencing things like Pokemon).Tonight I will be earning my Cook Steaks on the Grill badge.

I can't wait! I'm currently riding a tidal wave of testosterone this week as I've already earned my Drive Somewhere Without Stopping For Directions And Get Within A .4 Mile Radius Of Where I'm Going But Then Drive Around In Circles For A Half Hour badge, the all-important Blast "Single Ladies" While I'm In The Car By Myself Then When I Stop At A Red Light And A Car Pulls Up Next To Me And This Old Asian Woman Glares At Me Disapprovingly Wondering How When She Was A Little Girl In Beijing Her Dad Could Have Referred To This Ludicrous Person Filled Landmass As The Land Of Opportunity , Then I Switch The Radio To A News Talk Show And Nod My Head And Stroke The Pitiful Growth Of Facial Fuzz That Has Accumulated Under My Chin After Four Days Of Not Shaving badge. Lastly, the Stand In Front Of The Guy At The Gym Who Has Clearly Mistaken The Pec Fly Machine Used For Exercising For A Park Bench Used For Lounging And Talk To Him For Several Minutes About Various Muscle Groups Which I'm Pretty Sure That The Both Of Us Are Completely Making Up, But Through All Of This Gymenese Biceptual Banter The Message I'm Really Trying To Communicate Is Get Your Social Butterfly Butt Off Of The Machine So That I Can Finish My Workout badge. Coincidentally, I have just earned my Tell A Story And Completely Forget Where I'm Going With It And Thus Make The Tale Twenty Minutes Longer Than It Needs To Be badge about 60 years before I had planned to get it.  

A Glass Case of Emotion

Being someone who's worn glasses since the age of 2, I've grown up surrounded by people who assume that I can help them with their homework and they readily assume that I spend my free time watching history channel shows about the architecture of 9th century French cathedrals. Sadly, the optically impaired lifestyle is not all Transition shades in the summertime and lollipops at the eye doctors' office. People without glasses will never understand those horrifying moments of vertigo that follow getting a pizza out of the oven or putting glasses on after stepping out of the shower. And forgive me for complaining here, but if I was called Four Eyes in preschool just because I wore "eyes" over my eyes, why weren't kids wearing casts on their arm called Machamp? Well, Mark because it would be rude to single someone out like that because they had some sort of noticeable physical difference.......Just a thought.

The Hexed Generation

A short time ago, I rummaged through my bachelor-style stocked refrigerator and realized that the contents within had dwindled down to a pouch of Easy Mac and a bottle of ketchup. I understand that these two ingredients constitute what would be a suitable meal for some people, but after seeing the visual result of the yellow and red mix together like that it is not at all something I’d call aesthetically pleasing, let alone edible. To me, the only place yellow and red look good together is on a traffic light. So, that was just something I was not willing to try. From the kitchen I loudly called up to my mother. After several moments of silence, I became acutely aware of the fact that I no longer lived with my parents. Surely I needed to make someone aware of the vital vacancies that existed in the refrigerator, so next I called to my butler. I was again only greeted by silence and the reminder that I had yet to invent something which would make such a financial investment as having my own butler even remotely feasible. These thoughts gave way to the sad realization that I would need to make a trip to an area which I believe to be the birthplace of bad driving habits, the grocery store. What makes people think that they can just park their cart horizontally across an entire aisle? I’ve had to pull moves that would make me a shoo-in for an opening at the police department. I don’t care if someone is amped out of their mind plowing out of the energy drink aisle, they can’t just blindly bash back into the main flow of traffic. However, what truly caught my attention and the reason I have brought us all here today was not something I saw, but rather an encounter that started out with something I heard.

As I was going up and down the produce aisle like a vexed VeggieTale, a small child in the next row over began to scream bloody murder the moment that asparagus was placed in his carriage. I realize that the screaming child in public rant is a bit played out in this day and age and sadly, he is not the one I took issue with at first. The worn-out woman attached to the other end of the cart looked him right in the eyes and somewhat sternly said “Trevor, if you don’t quiet down, I’m going to have to take your IPad.” Not at all phased by the empty threat, Trailer Trash Trevor continued on his tantrum. So the woman who was seemingly placed in charge of turning this miniature menace into a valued member of society wrestled the device from his hands like a crocodile tearing at the flesh of a zebra. At this point, Trevor decided, as any adequately raised infant would, to sit quietly as his mother finished her shopping……………No. This act of maternal mutiny sent his screaming into a volume that would’ve had David Draiman shouting “Can you turn that thing down please?!” After Forty-two seconds of this (trust me, I was counting) the mother goes “Fine!” and tossed the IPad back to him.
I can sense that you are as irritated as I was about this sequence of events and I promise that we are going to work through this calmly, chronologically and communally.

First off, she bought the asparagus the day before it was going on sale. Buying regular priced produce is like buying bagels that aren’t pre-sliced, it makes absolutely no sense and why anyone would think to do it is beyond me.

Secondly, at this stage in the life of Trevor the Treacherous, all he has to do with asparagus is eat it. There will come a point in this little turd of a toddler’s existence (as long as his clearly annoyed mother sees fit to grant him continued life) that he will have to: Go get it. Pay for it. Cook it. Eat it. So you, Mr. Market Basket Menace, are essentially on the first base of your relationship with asparagus. If you have survived long enough and happen to be reading this, for the sake of your own sanity and the salvaging of the hearing of those within a 4½ mile radius, I strongly suggest that you suck it up just a little bit.

Thirdly, what the (insert expletive of your choice that I’d rather not have my parents read here) is a kid doing being the incompetent owner of an IPad?! My original thought was that if an individual is not capable of reciting their 12’s time tables, they should not have access to that kind of technology. However, after bearing witness to some atrocious attempts at arithmetic in the checkout aisle, I’ve come to the conclusion that implementing this strategy may very well send us plummeting back into the Dark Ages.

So when is that one should be given that rite of passage then? When should someone be allowed to own an IPad? My thoughts, at least for men, is that IPads and Guy Cards should be handed out to a member of the male species on the day he decides within himself that the occurrences which he deems acceptable to tear up at have been dwindled down to the following:
1. The Sight of his bride walking down the aisle
2. The birth of one (or more) of his children
3. The scene in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King when Sam and Frodo are struggling to the top of Mt. Doom in order to destroy The One Ring and Samwise Gamgee is like “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you!” because while we all have life struggles that we must ultimately choose to overcome and find our footing from on our own, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t have someone there to carry us from time to time. That’s it! This list should not include the painful, but necessary purchasing of produce.

The last thing I want to do is sound like some old guy going “Darn kids today and their fancy oven-havin’ pizza delivery cars.” All that I’m trying to get at here is that I’m noticing a downward trend that needs to be stopped. In my dads’ generation, he was taken outside to be properly dealt with. In my generation, I was sent outside when my parents didn’t want to deal with me. My fear is that the only “outside” that the next generation will know is in Skyrim when you pick up a plate and are suddenly able to run through walls.

I will go a step further and openly admit to some of the the errors caused by the millennials. Around the time I hit sixth grade, belts on the hips of young men everywhere suddenly vanished. The belt of truth became an extinct accessory. The results were disgusting. Young men began to waddle around the streets looking like some miscreant Mumble the penguin. Let’s keep whether you’re a Hanes having man or Fruit of the Loom follower between you and your bathroom mirror, okay? There is no defending this kind of detestable behavior, but Baby Boomers, Generation X men and women, allow me to pose a question: do you have fond memories of “the belt?” General William T. Sherman once said “War is Hell.” British poet William Congreve wrote “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Every time my dad put on a suit, he looked like he was having wartime flashbacks, because apparently my dear sweet cookie baking, kiss giving grandmother was quite different back in the 60s.
The next aspect of this series of unfathomable events that I’d like to address is the fact that this mother lifted her punishment simply because it was met with angst and attrition. Do you know what happened to me if I started debating a disciplinary decision made by my parents? It wasn’t reversed, it was doubled!

This was just one isolated incident that I felt perfectly addressed a much broader issue on several fronts. Parents, stop letting someone who’s capable of walking under the kitchen table while standing fully upright run the household! It may have worked for Napoleon Bonaparte, but it shall not prevail! Kids, it’s a great big world out there when you’re not crushing candy or angering birds. Technology is not a curse, but it’s not everything either. For me, the greatest sense of accomplishment comes from when I’ve written the last line of some idea for a story that’s been pinballing around my head for weeks (Crap, kids today probably don’t know what pinball is) I feel like Mario on star power when I’ve finished writing a story. (Is that still too old for some people? Crap! I get angrier than a bunch of freakin’ birds when my readers don’t get the references I’m making!) The point is find something you are passionate about and pursue it with everything you’ve got. In the very much misquoted words of Bane “when you have reached an ancient and old age and have lived a life of fulfillment through service to others and are ready to become little more than ashes, then you have my permission to die.”  

I Might Be A Vampire

One of my least favorite feelings in the world is going to see a movie at noon. Yeah, there’s no feeling quite like walking out of an 11:30 showing of Twilight and after spending some quality time hopping around the dark forests of Washington State on Edwards’ back with Bella then you get outside and see the sun for the first time in two hours and you’re like IT BURNS!!!  That’s when you start to question yourself thinking sunlight didn’t bother me before seeing this movie with vampires……who are also bothered by sunlight…..so…..I must be a vampire! NOOOO!!!! And I’m not going act like after watching the Star Wars movies my brother and I didn’t have epic air light saber duels. There’s just something about when that crescendo of notes kicks in at the end of the movie that makes you think that there’s a strong possibility that the person next to you in the theater is going to push you into the Great Pit of Carkoon the second you get into the parking lot.