- "Come on come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it, come on hit me." - Floyd Mayweather
- "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." Me, after some woman on a radio morning show doing the entertainment update was freaking out about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction
- "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse." - New England Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick, during the off-season
- "If you build it, he will come." - Mike Pence regarding Trump's border wall
- "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape." - Isiah Gregg, the kid that fell into Harambe's enclosure
- "I'll be back." - aviator, Amelia Earhart, shortly before her disappearance
- "Show me the money" - Steve-O in preschool when someone asked him if he'd eat a fire ant for five bucks
- "We're going to need a bigger boat" - Noah, when he realized Shamu, the whale. was going to have to fit on the ark
- "As far back as I could remember I've always wanted to be a gangster" - There's some dispute as to whether this one originated with Justin Bieber or the first suburban White kid who ever put lyrics to a rap song as his Facebook status
- "Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads." Lewis and Clark as they began their journey to map out the United States
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Rough Draft
Life is like a Jack in the Box, you think you are about to have fun with a toy but you just end up soiling yourself from the fright of having some creepy clown jump out at you following the conclusion of an eerie little tune. Hi, I'm Mark Woonton and these are the real life inspirations for some of your favorite lines in movies:
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Media Censorship
"Put it on your Christmas list" and "Put it on your birthday list."
These two statements round out the top four things I most frequently heard from my parents while I was growing up. The other two, quite contradictorily being "I love you" and "you're grounded." I found out at an early age that screaming and crying in order to get what I wanted rarely resulted in the desired outcome for me and most likely just gave me sore lungs and a hand-print on my backside. Unfortunately, having a summer birthday meant that from January to July and July to December, I was foaming at the mouth over fads and was left mesmerized over meaningless merchandise because as a child, you are able to differentiate between "wants" and "needs" about as well as your grandparents are able to explain the functionality upgrades between the iphone 6 and the 7.
I remember the first "big purchase" I ever made. There was something that came out in 2002 that I just had to have. Hip Hops' pasty white, profanity projectile poster boy. Eminem, had just released his fourth studio album, The Eminem Show and I knew that in order to keep within the cool kids circle of the elementary school of southern New Hampshire, this CD was a must-have. Seeing as though my parents leniency for money lending was about equal to the banks in communist Russia, I asked if I could do some extra work around the house in order to earn the money. After several days of chores, I had earned enough money to go and buy the CD on the strict stipulation that I buy the edited version. Was it worth it? No! Here's a tip, if you want the experience of listening to an edited rap CD without spending the money, drive into the city and just roll down your window, because the two elements that create clean versions of rap songs are angry yelling and beeping. And just to knock my internet illiterate parents off of their morality mountain for a second, do you know who gets the money when someone buys an edited Eminem CD? He does! So quite drinking Diet Coke and acting like you're so much better than everyone else! Does this not make sense to everyone now? OK, great.
I was so excited when I got the notice from the post office saying that my CD was ready to be picked up. I immediately popped the CD into the CD player in the car and allowed myself to become immersed in the soothing songs of the streetwise Dr. Seuss. However, this momentary mountaintop moment of Michigan musicianship was brought to a screeching halt about ten seconds into the first song as myself, my mother and anyone within a ten mile radius realized that, for whatever reason, the CD we got was not edited. My mother did the logical thing and began yelling at me, echoing some of the disallowed dialogue I had just heard in her displeasure. For whoever happens to be reading this, I'm sure words that you would associate with me currently are silly and sarcastic, but I would like to add a third "s", that word being sincere and say I PROMISE you I ordered the edited version and for my mother to get angry at me in this instance is kind of like being stuck in a traffic jam 20,000 cars deep and beeping at the person in front of you. I was just as upset as she was, because I knew that for me, restitution for this rap CD meant another week of chores and another trip to the post office.
Media censorship can be a hot button issue, especially in countries with freedom of speech and freedom of the press saying that a government can not interfere with ones opinion whether it be spoken or in a printed source. Historically, the Espionage Act of 1917 prevented negative articles about the government from being printed during wartime, but today, if I choose to say something like red apples are the best and that the sinful, sour apple that brought about the downfall of all mankind in the Garden of Eden was most definitely green, you may disagree with me, but I can still say it. The reason why media censorship is so hotly debated is largely because the words or acts that people find offensive are largely based on our own personal experience. While we can all agree that the fact that Kanye West continues to steal oxygen molecules out of the air from conscientious, contributing members of society is utterly appalling, if I were to turn around and say that the 2002 Detroit Red Wings were the greatest hockey team to set foot on the ice, odds are someone, somewhere would have something to say to me about that. They'd be wrong, but they'd defend themselves nonetheless. As I have shown in the example above, even the United States has been subjected to censorship from time to time. Someone with an opinion deciding what can and can not be put on the printed page. I love to write and I have for a long time. If Justin Bieber has taught us anything, it is that the more people you reach, the more people are inclined to dislike you. Beliebe it or not, I myself was once told that a written work of mine was offensive, injurious and ultimately outlawed and I'd like to share that story with you.
It was January of 2001 and my second grade class had just begun our science unit learning about Antarctica. I don't know whether my teacher wanted to welcome in New England wintertime or if she was just tired of hearing all of us wimpy, whiny brats complain about what was comparably a pinch of precipitation and she just hit a point where she goes "YOU WANNA KNOW WHO HAS IT REALLY BAD??!! PENGUINS!" but that was the way it went.We learned about the penguins consumption of krill and the subsequent repulsive regurgitation and re-consumption of that same krill by the penguin babies. We also learned that during their trips to and through the Antarctic ocean, penguins had to be leery of any lurking leopard seals looking to make a meal out of any of these particular flightless fatties. We learned that male penguins would court a female by presenting her with a pebble, which presumably is where Jennifer Lopez got her inspiration for the line "don't be fooled by the rocks that I got."
As we closed out the unit in April (at which point we were hoping to say goodbye to the snow as well) the class was assigned a paper in which we had to use facts and vocabulary that we had learned over the past few months. For my assignment, I decided to write a story about my friends Cameron, Zach, Gabe and myself as penguins. I incorporated information about the penguins diet, community life and the dangers that penguins face. In general, I did everything that was asked of me and then some because my story involved a fast-paced penguin chase scene where we are being pursued by a leopard seal. Sadly, Cameron did not make it back to icy land at the chilling conclusion of my tale.
If you're asking yourself, how much is a penguin life worth? The answer to that question is a letter grade and a half because the teacher gave me a B on my paper as if she were questioning the legality of what I did more than the literary decision and I had gone down there myself with a sniper rifle and a scope to take him out. My teacher told me that I had to change the ending because Cameron was upset that he got killed off, but all four foot nothing of me stood by my work and I said "Well, maybe if Cameron was a better swimmer he would have made it!" Along with the letter grade, my teacher had written a comment saying "Did Cameron have to die? :(" Yes, yes he did. I portrayed the perils of penguin life and refuse to conform to this or "Happy Feet" happily ever after shown by the media. Listen folks, in Top Gun we lost Goose and every now and then we are going to lose a penguin.
These two statements round out the top four things I most frequently heard from my parents while I was growing up. The other two, quite contradictorily being "I love you" and "you're grounded." I found out at an early age that screaming and crying in order to get what I wanted rarely resulted in the desired outcome for me and most likely just gave me sore lungs and a hand-print on my backside. Unfortunately, having a summer birthday meant that from January to July and July to December, I was foaming at the mouth over fads and was left mesmerized over meaningless merchandise because as a child, you are able to differentiate between "wants" and "needs" about as well as your grandparents are able to explain the functionality upgrades between the iphone 6 and the 7.
I remember the first "big purchase" I ever made. There was something that came out in 2002 that I just had to have. Hip Hops' pasty white, profanity projectile poster boy. Eminem, had just released his fourth studio album, The Eminem Show and I knew that in order to keep within the cool kids circle of the elementary school of southern New Hampshire, this CD was a must-have. Seeing as though my parents leniency for money lending was about equal to the banks in communist Russia, I asked if I could do some extra work around the house in order to earn the money. After several days of chores, I had earned enough money to go and buy the CD on the strict stipulation that I buy the edited version. Was it worth it? No! Here's a tip, if you want the experience of listening to an edited rap CD without spending the money, drive into the city and just roll down your window, because the two elements that create clean versions of rap songs are angry yelling and beeping. And just to knock my internet illiterate parents off of their morality mountain for a second, do you know who gets the money when someone buys an edited Eminem CD? He does! So quite drinking Diet Coke and acting like you're so much better than everyone else! Does this not make sense to everyone now? OK, great.
I was so excited when I got the notice from the post office saying that my CD was ready to be picked up. I immediately popped the CD into the CD player in the car and allowed myself to become immersed in the soothing songs of the streetwise Dr. Seuss. However, this momentary mountaintop moment of Michigan musicianship was brought to a screeching halt about ten seconds into the first song as myself, my mother and anyone within a ten mile radius realized that, for whatever reason, the CD we got was not edited. My mother did the logical thing and began yelling at me, echoing some of the disallowed dialogue I had just heard in her displeasure. For whoever happens to be reading this, I'm sure words that you would associate with me currently are silly and sarcastic, but I would like to add a third "s", that word being sincere and say I PROMISE you I ordered the edited version and for my mother to get angry at me in this instance is kind of like being stuck in a traffic jam 20,000 cars deep and beeping at the person in front of you. I was just as upset as she was, because I knew that for me, restitution for this rap CD meant another week of chores and another trip to the post office.
Media censorship can be a hot button issue, especially in countries with freedom of speech and freedom of the press saying that a government can not interfere with ones opinion whether it be spoken or in a printed source. Historically, the Espionage Act of 1917 prevented negative articles about the government from being printed during wartime, but today, if I choose to say something like red apples are the best and that the sinful, sour apple that brought about the downfall of all mankind in the Garden of Eden was most definitely green, you may disagree with me, but I can still say it. The reason why media censorship is so hotly debated is largely because the words or acts that people find offensive are largely based on our own personal experience. While we can all agree that the fact that Kanye West continues to steal oxygen molecules out of the air from conscientious, contributing members of society is utterly appalling, if I were to turn around and say that the 2002 Detroit Red Wings were the greatest hockey team to set foot on the ice, odds are someone, somewhere would have something to say to me about that. They'd be wrong, but they'd defend themselves nonetheless. As I have shown in the example above, even the United States has been subjected to censorship from time to time. Someone with an opinion deciding what can and can not be put on the printed page. I love to write and I have for a long time. If Justin Bieber has taught us anything, it is that the more people you reach, the more people are inclined to dislike you. Beliebe it or not, I myself was once told that a written work of mine was offensive, injurious and ultimately outlawed and I'd like to share that story with you.
It was January of 2001 and my second grade class had just begun our science unit learning about Antarctica. I don't know whether my teacher wanted to welcome in New England wintertime or if she was just tired of hearing all of us wimpy, whiny brats complain about what was comparably a pinch of precipitation and she just hit a point where she goes "YOU WANNA KNOW WHO HAS IT REALLY BAD??!! PENGUINS!" but that was the way it went.We learned about the penguins consumption of krill and the subsequent repulsive regurgitation and re-consumption of that same krill by the penguin babies. We also learned that during their trips to and through the Antarctic ocean, penguins had to be leery of any lurking leopard seals looking to make a meal out of any of these particular flightless fatties. We learned that male penguins would court a female by presenting her with a pebble, which presumably is where Jennifer Lopez got her inspiration for the line "don't be fooled by the rocks that I got."
As we closed out the unit in April (at which point we were hoping to say goodbye to the snow as well) the class was assigned a paper in which we had to use facts and vocabulary that we had learned over the past few months. For my assignment, I decided to write a story about my friends Cameron, Zach, Gabe and myself as penguins. I incorporated information about the penguins diet, community life and the dangers that penguins face. In general, I did everything that was asked of me and then some because my story involved a fast-paced penguin chase scene where we are being pursued by a leopard seal. Sadly, Cameron did not make it back to icy land at the chilling conclusion of my tale.
If you're asking yourself, how much is a penguin life worth? The answer to that question is a letter grade and a half because the teacher gave me a B on my paper as if she were questioning the legality of what I did more than the literary decision and I had gone down there myself with a sniper rifle and a scope to take him out. My teacher told me that I had to change the ending because Cameron was upset that he got killed off, but all four foot nothing of me stood by my work and I said "Well, maybe if Cameron was a better swimmer he would have made it!" Along with the letter grade, my teacher had written a comment saying "Did Cameron have to die? :(" Yes, yes he did. I portrayed the perils of penguin life and refuse to conform to this or "Happy Feet" happily ever after shown by the media. Listen folks, in Top Gun we lost Goose and every now and then we are going to lose a penguin.
Friday, April 7, 2017
Sports Rivalries That Will Never Happen
Hi, I'm Mark Woonton and here are 11 rivalries in sports that will never happen:
- Dallas Cowboys v. Cleveland Indians
- Anaheim Angels v. New Jersey Devils
- San Francisco 49ers v. Philadelphia 76ers
- Florida Marlins v. Brooklyn Nets
- Denver Outlaws v. New Orleans Saints
- Tampa Bay Lightning v. Phoenix Suns
- Los Angeles Kings v. New England Patriots
- Michigan Wolverines v. Colorado Avalanche (Marvel fans, you're welcome)
- Seattle Mariners v. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
- Navy Midshipmen v. Pittsburgh Pirates
- Houston Astros v. Toronto Raptors
Monday, April 3, 2017
Slam Dunks Contest (aka Top 10 Reasons to Throw Dunkin Donuts Out Your Window)
As a native New Englander, I am stereotyped to be passionate about at least two things, the New England Patriots and Dunkin Donuts. As much as the internet is being used today to allow its users to safely fortify themselves behind some facade, I am here to quietly confirm one of those stereotypes. I go to Dunkin Donuts on a regular basis, because if I don't, my lack of coherent language and proper posture lead those who have the misfortune of being around me that day to believe that I am patient zero of the zombie apocalypse. People have suggested that I could save some money by getting my iced coffee from McDonald's. While this is true, I could also save money by hunting for food and sleeping in a tent outside, we all have our own personal lines of what we consider frugal versus fanatical and eliminating the purchase of iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts happens to be mine. Back when I ran Cross Country in high school, there was one particular afternoon where the team was running down a side-road in a single-file, skinny, sad line of self-imposed, sports-related singleness and a particular passerby rolled down his or her window and threw a coffee at our little band of anorexic social outcasts which happened to hit me in the leg. Was I upset that I had been hit in pretty much the only part of the human body that mattered in my particular, collision free craft? Yes. However, I found myself to be more irritated by the fact that someone would waste an entire coffee on a prank from seven years ago which they have probably long since stopped thinking or talking about. Does me bringing up this story now make me the weaker person? Probably.
Today, I encountered another iced coffee incident which has brought on a second epiphany. I was coming up to a corner stoplight where there was usually a homeless man I would stare at, but today I decided to be polite, or just not make eye contact, and I looked in the other direction. Unfortunately, the event that caught my eye on this side was even more horrifying than homelessness. A gentleman in a honking big truck grabbed hold of what appeared to be an iced coffee and dump it onto the pavement before completing the hat trick of hazards to our hemisphere by tossing the cup out the window and driving off in his Badmobile.
Now, I have seen people in cars beside me flick cigarette butts out of their window. I watched police car camera footage of high speed chases where the eventual inmates are caught on video dumping pounds and pounds of cocaine out of their vehicle. As unfortunate as these two instances are, the feeling I got from them can not hold a candle to the red hot rage I felt from watching, what appeared to be 3/4 of a perfectly good iced coffee, go to waste. In fact, there are only 10 justifiable reasons that would hold up in court for someone to dump a Dunkin Donuts delicacy from an open car window and claim it as being done purely out of self defense, self-interest or survival.
1. If someone is paying homage to fallen Dunkin Donuts founder, William Rosenberg, in the most gangsta way possible
2. If Dunkin Donuts started putting prizes at the bottom of iced coffees and this persons' prize happened to be a lifetime supply of iced coffees
3. If someone accidentally ordered a perplexed pumpkin spice iced coffee that found its way into April, because Dunkins, I love you to death, but the only acceptable things to do to a pumpkin are turn it into a pie or scalp it, gouge its eyes out and set its brain on fire.
4. If the iced coffee has a convex meniscus it obviously means that the coffee, that persons entire vehicle and all of the Earth are being pulled into some solar system black hole and if that's the case, by all means, throw the coffee and drive like heck
5. If the person is experimenting as to whether or not pouring caffeinated drinks on to plants helps them grow faster
6. If they thought that they were at Dairy Queen where they turn the Blizzards upside down or it's free of charge
7. If people have begun a live action Mario Kart, but instead of throwing bananas and shells at each other, we are going to start throwing coffee and donuts
8. If two passengers in a car order the same exact iced coffee and one of them sees it as a casual, sipping drink while the second person downs it like Joey "Caffeine Crazy" Chestnut, but then the latter party insists that the drink remaining in the cup holder is theirs and they just won't budge, it is best to just throw the beverage out the window and say "There! Now no one gets it!" Among the life lessons to learn from the wise King Solomon, it is best to forfeit something completely than to leave with a relatively useless half of it.
9. If you notice someone in a car next to you starting to nod off at the wheel, by all means, throw some coffee at them. However, you need to absolutely be sure of yourself that you are reading this situation correctly, because any misunderstanding or missed catches can lead to ruined paint jobs and damage to leather interior
10. If someone is a die-hard fan of Starbucks, they are a snobby, stuck-up individual who obviously has a lot of cash and relational bridges they'd like to burn, so, as a form of evil entertainment, they just buy the Dunkin Donuts to throw it out of their window to deprive others of the joy they get from drinking it, they aren't looking for anything and they don't care what you or I think of their actions. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
Today, I encountered another iced coffee incident which has brought on a second epiphany. I was coming up to a corner stoplight where there was usually a homeless man I would stare at, but today I decided to be polite, or just not make eye contact, and I looked in the other direction. Unfortunately, the event that caught my eye on this side was even more horrifying than homelessness. A gentleman in a honking big truck grabbed hold of what appeared to be an iced coffee and dump it onto the pavement before completing the hat trick of hazards to our hemisphere by tossing the cup out the window and driving off in his Badmobile.
Now, I have seen people in cars beside me flick cigarette butts out of their window. I watched police car camera footage of high speed chases where the eventual inmates are caught on video dumping pounds and pounds of cocaine out of their vehicle. As unfortunate as these two instances are, the feeling I got from them can not hold a candle to the red hot rage I felt from watching, what appeared to be 3/4 of a perfectly good iced coffee, go to waste. In fact, there are only 10 justifiable reasons that would hold up in court for someone to dump a Dunkin Donuts delicacy from an open car window and claim it as being done purely out of self defense, self-interest or survival.
1. If someone is paying homage to fallen Dunkin Donuts founder, William Rosenberg, in the most gangsta way possible
2. If Dunkin Donuts started putting prizes at the bottom of iced coffees and this persons' prize happened to be a lifetime supply of iced coffees
3. If someone accidentally ordered a perplexed pumpkin spice iced coffee that found its way into April, because Dunkins, I love you to death, but the only acceptable things to do to a pumpkin are turn it into a pie or scalp it, gouge its eyes out and set its brain on fire.
4. If the iced coffee has a convex meniscus it obviously means that the coffee, that persons entire vehicle and all of the Earth are being pulled into some solar system black hole and if that's the case, by all means, throw the coffee and drive like heck
5. If the person is experimenting as to whether or not pouring caffeinated drinks on to plants helps them grow faster
6. If they thought that they were at Dairy Queen where they turn the Blizzards upside down or it's free of charge
7. If people have begun a live action Mario Kart, but instead of throwing bananas and shells at each other, we are going to start throwing coffee and donuts
8. If two passengers in a car order the same exact iced coffee and one of them sees it as a casual, sipping drink while the second person downs it like Joey "Caffeine Crazy" Chestnut, but then the latter party insists that the drink remaining in the cup holder is theirs and they just won't budge, it is best to just throw the beverage out the window and say "There! Now no one gets it!" Among the life lessons to learn from the wise King Solomon, it is best to forfeit something completely than to leave with a relatively useless half of it.
9. If you notice someone in a car next to you starting to nod off at the wheel, by all means, throw some coffee at them. However, you need to absolutely be sure of yourself that you are reading this situation correctly, because any misunderstanding or missed catches can lead to ruined paint jobs and damage to leather interior
10. If someone is a die-hard fan of Starbucks, they are a snobby, stuck-up individual who obviously has a lot of cash and relational bridges they'd like to burn, so, as a form of evil entertainment, they just buy the Dunkin Donuts to throw it out of their window to deprive others of the joy they get from drinking it, they aren't looking for anything and they don't care what you or I think of their actions. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
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