Strongman competitions absolutely blow my mind. The fact that these guys can strap an airplane to their back and pull it 100 feet or whatever is amazing. How you come to learn you have that skill I will never know. These guys must just look at an airplane the same way I look at the 2½ pound weights at the gym and think “yeah, I could probably do that.” But the practicality of it really is kinda lost cuz I've never seen a plane lose gas with 100 feet to go on the tarmac and th...ey just go “Quick, get that European guy whose arms block his view out of the windshield when he’s driving.” So whether it be out of a sad sense of jealousy or the need to create something of sensible practicality, I realized that I have unknowingly competed in the slightly modified Suburban Somewhat Scrawny Sad Excuse Of A Man Competition.
The Grocery Bag Carry: Run to the car and grab as many grocery bags as possible and line each arm with the bags, giving you the appearance of being a Zebra Cake, Oatmeal Cookie, Cosmic Brownie baring Weeping Willow and carry the bags up a flight of stairs to the kitchen
The Water Softener Bag Waddle – Grab two 40 pound bags of water softener from the trunk, and although the sum total of this weight is just about equivalent to yourself, place one in each hand and make your way from the garage to the basement, as the sheer weight of the bags seems to be pulling you down toward Hell itself, allow the positive imagery that you probably resemble a cute, cuddly slightly asthmatic penguin carry you the rest of the way
The Vacuum Push Pull Carry and Toss – Start by vacuuming the carpeting in the basement, then grab and carry the vacuum up to vacuum the living room, dining room and family room then carry the vacuum up a second flight of stairs to vacuum the bedrooms and hallways of the second floor. Once again, hoist the vacuum and carry it up a third flight of stairs to vacuum the newly carpeted area outside the attic at which point you become so conflicted by the mixed sense of feeling fortunate to have grown up in such a nice home and the monotonous pushing and pulling of the chore that you lift the vacuum over your head and toss it down the stairs. Use the time that it will take someone to come up to inquire about the noise to regain your breath and composure and calmly explain “Well, I guess they don’t make them like they used to.”
The Water Softener Bag Waddle – Grab two 40 pound bags of water softener from the trunk, and although the sum total of this weight is just about equivalent to yourself, place one in each hand and make your way from the garage to the basement, as the sheer weight of the bags seems to be pulling you down toward Hell itself, allow the positive imagery that you probably resemble a cute, cuddly slightly asthmatic penguin carry you the rest of the way
The Vacuum Push Pull Carry and Toss – Start by vacuuming the carpeting in the basement, then grab and carry the vacuum up to vacuum the living room, dining room and family room then carry the vacuum up a second flight of stairs to vacuum the bedrooms and hallways of the second floor. Once again, hoist the vacuum and carry it up a third flight of stairs to vacuum the newly carpeted area outside the attic at which point you become so conflicted by the mixed sense of feeling fortunate to have grown up in such a nice home and the monotonous pushing and pulling of the chore that you lift the vacuum over your head and toss it down the stairs. Use the time that it will take someone to come up to inquire about the noise to regain your breath and composure and calmly explain “Well, I guess they don’t make them like they used to.”
No comments:
Post a Comment