There were mandatory flu shots at work and the only reason I went was because afterwards you were given a free piece of candy. Well, if you have a nice smile and you “accidently” grab both a Snickers and a Reese’s because you can’t decide between the two you get both And given the fact that all it took for me to follow a stranger into a backroom and allow them to stink a needle into my arm was the promise of candy, I should consider it a win that I was never abducted as a ch...ild. So the nurse swabs my arm and says “This is going to hurt a little bit.” Yeah lady, I just saw that it took three dudes to haul the needle in here like it was some python on Animal Planet, I think there’s a slight chance it’s going to hurt. I feel like that’s such a stupid thing to say, because pain and queasiness over the sight of blood seems to be on an individual basis, and I’d say my pain and nausea levels are at about a medium-well because I can get through the beach scene in Saving Private Ryan and my sense of awe and patriotism override the gruesome nature of what I’m seeing. But something that blows my mind is when I’m watching a football game and some tiny running back gets taken out below the knee by one of those refrigerators with legs and you see his leg snap in half and the reporters are like “Well, his leg is broken in 375 places and rumor has it that the ditsy model chick who arrived here with him has left the stadium, back to you Bob.” What do they do next? They zoom in on the guys face! And as he’s getting carted off he’s got that blank stare on his face that says “Gee, I hope there’s some Chicken Quesadilla Soup in the locker room.” In his head he’s like “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” But you can’t cry because there’s a camera in your face. Note to parents, you want to toughen up your kid? Grab the video camera every time they fall!
“DON’T YOU DARE CRY! YOU GET UP! ONE DAY YOURE GOING TO BRING A GIRL HOME TO MEET US AND IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT HER TO SEE?? IS IT??!!
