Clocker Docker

This morning at work I invented a new sport! What happens is you go to restock the packets of butter, then drop one and when you go to pick it up you accidentally kick with your foot another 20 yards away. You run up and reach down to grab it only to have your ID badge fall off and onto the floor and send that sailing a solid solar system away. This process of crashing to the ground and kicking continues for about 90 minutes plus the stoppage time of explaining to a confused coworker what it is you are trying to accomplish. 

The name I came up with for this series of unfortunate and unathletic events is Clocker Docker which is a mix of clumsy and soccer and ditzy and soccer with a minor spelling change to make it look better on paper (or on internet?) I am the creator, the founder, the best there ever has been and the best there ever will be. 

Hobo Holiday

Is anyone good/really into making those "Our Family's Year in Review" Christmas cards? Cuz I'm thinking about doing one for myself this year.

Since I live on my own I'm just going to talk about what's been going on with various appliances, gadgets and gizmos in my house.

I found out that putting my stovetop on the same setting that I did in my house growing up when cooking hamburgers is a really efficient way to make hockey pucks.

Or how I didn't change the settings on the toaster from "bagel" to "bread" when I was making a PB&J, so it turned into a bagel.

And lastly, how the amount of change my vacuum finds under the couch routinely gives this particular appliance a higher net worth than its owner.

If anyone is interested in participating in this project please let me know.

Fam, Just Kidding, I love you all dearly and do not wish to be ostracized.

Requiem For A Race

Music has a way of bringing back memories. Maybe it's a graduation song or the first dance at a wedding but music has the awesome ability to make us feel and remember.

I ran cross country and track from middle school until I graduated high school because in the response of fight or flight I knew where my best chances of survival were. Although United Airlines has kinda changed that slogan to more of a cause and effect thing now called Flight and Fight, but we aren't going to get into that.

I remember during the Fall of my senior year, it was the last big Cross Country meet of the season (for those of us not going to the Meet of Champions, because as it turned out, Senioritis can affect ones mastery and motivation in sports as well). There were a bunch of schools at this race and as seemingly hundreds of kids stood at the starting line, I half-expected a war paint wearing William Wallace to step in front of us and deliver some supercharged speech to motivate us. However, as warm-ups and track suits were shed in a massively displeasing scrawny person strip tease, no courageous commander stood out in front of us. Our motivation would have to come from massive speakers along the sidelines of the course that had been blaring Aerosmith, AC/DC and Ozzy Osbourne throughout the previous races.

We stood in shivering, short shorted silence and awaited the starting gun and the song that would send us off. Our ears were met by the sounds of the abrupt and awkward selection of "Build Me Up Buttercup" by The Foundations. Is this a phenomenal piece of music? Absolutely. Are you going to hear this song backing a monumental moment in a sports movie montage? Respectfully, I'd have to say no. I have, still do and will continue to belt the song out anytime I hear it, despite the objections of those around me, but the first thought that pops into my head will forevermore be standing at the Cross Country starting line, cold and confused.

An Anthology of Antiquated Expressions and the Millennial Response

Inventions and creations improve and advance ourselves and our society in many ways. This ever-evolving environment has given way to new modes of transportation, electronics capable of instantaneous information transfers and a immortalized internet image of Boromir from Lord of the Rings gesturing to everyone to tell them exactly how much money I have in my bank account. As the world has changed, there has been a variation and evisceration of the vernacular used in everyday conversation and communication. Here is a list of the top 10 Antiquated Expressions and the Millennial Response

1. Balance a Checkbook - In instance in which an individual extends their laptop or cell phone in midair, firmly grasped with both hands, praying to the gods of Google and Pokemon Go that they don't drop it
2. Dial Tone - The frightful phenomenon in which someone's voice on a cell phone sounds like Liam Neeson posing a threat
3. Ditto - Once used a term of being in agreement or understanding is now simply viewed as one of the most elusive creatures in Pokemon Go, outside of attempting to lure in one of the legendary Pokemon
4. Burn A CD - This expression is used to describe someone who finds an old CD they used to listen to and then realize that they have the whole collection of songs downloaded on their IPod. In order to appease their insatiable appetite for arson, they throw the now pointless pile of poly-carbonate plastic into a fire
5. 411 - This is a phone number people can call for what we will refer to as "First World Emergencies" like if someone's cell phone is about to run out of battery or if anyone didn't like the weeks' episode of "House of Cards" or "Orange is the New Black", they can call this number and have an operator on the other end ready to remedy the situation or just lend an ear to an outrageous alternate ending. This number was used because while these situations still need to be addressed, they are only about half as important as actual emergencies.
6. Pound Sign - When a friend or acquaintance horizontally extends a closed fist, initiating their intention to engage in a greeting known as a "fist bump" or "pound."
7.   Roll Up a Car Window - This is for when a group of mischievous Millennials choose to cover the car of a close friend or distant enemy in an even layer of toilet paper. An essential element of this undercover operation is too completely coat the windows of the vehicle in Cottonelle so that bath tissue barrier does not allow the victim of this automobile assault to see the dead bird or squirrel that has been laid to rest on the backseat.
8. Fax - Things universally accepted as truth. 
9. TV Guide - That person who hogs the clicker or remote or whatever everyone prefers to call and is a dictator of the direction digital entertainment, forcing family members and friends who are not in agreement on the selected show to watch what they want on one of the other three TVs in the house or on a high-tech handheld device. 
10. Billow - A soft, triple fiber, handcrafted, specially formulated, flexible, dual-use, organically grown pillow containing no GMOs, added sugars or artificial flavors, used at the work desk that has magical medicinal powers when it comes in contact with a bad back or bunions on the feet. Pick up a Billow today!  

Playgiarism 2 (The Original Idea)

Hi, I'm Mark Woonton and here is another Top 10 songs and people who definitely didn't write them

1. Speedy Gonzalez - Despacito
2. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman - Attention
3. Bubba Sparxxx the Caterpillar and Trixie Daddy - There's Nothing Holdin' Me
4. Quasimodo - Body Like a Back Road
5. King David feat. Lil Jonathan - Praying (Psalm 151)
6. Brandon LaFell - Slow Hands
7. Apostle Paul Wall - Believer
8. Richard Sherman - HUMBLE*
9. Neo - I'm the One (feat. Meta Morpheus, Trina Tee, Agent Aerosmith and The Organist)
10. "Krayzie Bone" Alex Jones - Wild Thoughts (feat. Ragin' Rush Limbaugh and Sean "No Hands" Hannity)

*On the iTunes music page, among the top ten songs, "HUMBLE" is the only title written in all caps. I'm all for an artist doing everything they can to get noticed, but if someone is going to put some pressure on the "shift" key for a song title with a single word, HUMBLE is not the best choice.    

Fearth of July

Would it surprise you to learn that I was a major American civil war buff back in the day? Probably not.

While I was in elementary school I took trips with my family to Gettysburg, Fredericksburg and Atlanta to see some of the historic sites that, to many people's surprise based on the names, are not masses of ice in Antarctica. I carried on intelligible conversation with terribly bewildered tour guides and even got some canister shells from a gift shop.

As a youngster, Fourth of July always terrified me, I loved the fried dough but I hated the loud BANG of the fireworks so my dad decided we would pretend it was cannon fire and I would name a civil war general with each blast, cuz nothing curbs a child's fear quite like pretending the loud noises they are hearing is a bunch of antiquated artillery fire.

So tonight if you hear someone shouting last names, come on over, give me a hug and strongly suggest that we move to higher ground

Pockets, Pockets, Pockets, Pockets

Would it surprise you to learn that I've never "lost" a pair of glasses only to discover that they were resting on my nose?

Well, I had sort of an automobile equivalent happen recently. After getting some work done on my car, the grimy handed grease monkey laid hands on my bohemoth of a baby and backed it out of the garage. I performed my post appointment pat down to make sure I had everything with me (It's also the motions to a fun song for those who aren't quite ready to take on the bodily responsibilities of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" entitled "Pockets, Pockets, Pockets, Pockets") okay, there's my phone and my wallet. Where are my keys? Where the heck are my KEYS!" As the engine anxiously idled in the driveway