Please Take One

Dear Trick or Treaters

 

Ok, so since this house is at the end of the street around a cul-de-sac odds are that this is either the first or the last of the obligatory Please Take One signs that you’ve encountered tonight. However, I do realize that given all of the walking that you are doing tonight, to arrive at the house all the way at the end of a street and then have a sign telling you to only take one piece of candy is borderline infuriating. On a side note, if you are one of those people who goes trick-or-treating in a car, please leave, because the walking is what makes it feel like you’ve earned it and taking a car is like being paid for simply showing up at work. Now, before you lift the bowl and empty it into your bag, a quick message to the rebellious group of teenagers or the parent with the necessary literary skills to read this to your small child. Consider the following, is the lesson you really want to take away from this before you, or your child enter the Work World, that you keep up appearances when people are watching, but do whatever you want when no one is around? I realize, however, that this entire note is kind of pointless because you already had your mind made up about what you were going to do here the second you saw the unattended bowl of candy illuminated by the lights that seemed to come down from the heavens. So all I’ve really done here is wasted your time and for that I am truly sorry. So at the end of the night, the decision that you choose to make here is really between you, whatever God, gods or sports athlete you choose to worship, and the easily irritated retired Navy Seal with the loaded paintball gun in the woods to your right

 

Happy Halloween,

Management

Food Disservice

As someone in food service i can honestly say that there is no worse feeling in the world than when a group of kids orders a pizza and several minutes later, i walk toward their table wielding a delicious, cheesy pizza as their eyes gaze at the spherical tray as they are looking at the Sistine Chapel. And their mouths water like a bunch of hyenas who have spotted an old giraffe with a bad knee bcuz he is a retired GFL superstar. My speedy walk towards the group barely even sl...ows as i deliver the pizza to the table behind them causing them to right then and their lose all faith in the U.S Government, the trustworthiness of car dealership salesmen and the timeliness of the people at the DMV. I then receive a facial expression of sadness and disbelief that would make someone think that i had just punched that childs imaginary friend square in the face

Marriage Counseling In The Checkout Aisle

That awkward moment when you're in a public place sitting around waiting 4 sumthin with a bunch of strangers and theres a couple that's hardcore arguing. At first you try to ignore it, then you start listening 2 what its about til it finally hits the point where youve picked a side in your head and listen intently hoping ur side wins

Kill Shot

I have had multiple surgeries, countless stitches and an innumerable amount of i.v's put into me in my lifetime but somehow whenever im walking over to my dresser and my toe catches the rail on my bed i think im gonna die

All Is Well That Ends Well

Here are 6 sentences that start out like things you don’t want to ever hear someone say to you but they end pretty well:
1.“I want to break up….this one hundred foot chocolate statue that is quite ironically a statue of Vanilla Ice, into bite sized pieces before eating it to avoid the hazard of choking.”
2.“We need to talk….about how ridiculously massive your biceps are and how you got them to be so large.”

3.“You have Aides….to help you manage your multi-billion dollar corporation while you sail on your yacht to Bermuda.”
4.“I think we should see other people….walk out of that bathroom before we decide whether that faded sign by the door is in fact supposed to be a man or a woman.”
5.“You will never bring your family honor!” To be honest, if someone says this to you, you’re pretty much screwed. Especially if you are attempting to grab back a cup of tea you just poured for the Matchmaker but the lucky cricket you brought along with you jumped into the cup causing the Matchmaker to spill the tea all over herself.
6."I’m sorry, I’m just not emotionally available right now….because I made a wish to my Fairy Godparents that I had no emotions, but I got this really new cool toy from the….ummm…..uhhh….internet."

My 8 Hours of Marriage

Last night I had a dream that I was living with a Native American tribe. Helping them build canoes, hunt for food and teaching them how to dougie so that they'd have new stuff to do around the campfire at night. The chief comes up to me one night and asks if I would marry his daughter and I was like "What is this, elementary school? If she likes me have her tell me herself!" jkjk I said "ummmm......no thanks." The next day, I got up early in the morning and ran out of the camp. Then the dream was over. In the dream I never saw the daughter so perhaps she was one of those snobby, self-absorbed chicks with an undeserved sense of entitlement just cuz her dad was the chief so maybe I knew what I was doing. Or maybe my brain was trying to tell me I have commitment issues. We may never know

The Name Game

I am about to say something that has gotten men slapped, kneed and straight-up killed, more than any other statement. I believe that I have a day-to-day tougher life than most girls out there. Now, put down your sharpened nail files and molten lava throwing blow-dryers for a second and let me explain. I have what you would call a word name (a name that is a word…if you needed that to be explained to you, please discontinue reading, go to your nearest bookstore and purchase “H...ow Not To Be An Idiot, Imbecile and How To In General Get By In Your Daily Life Without Fatally Injuring Yourself For Dummies” and start at page one) Anyway, all of the female word names are really uplifting things like Faith, Hope and Grace. Often times I don’t know whether someone is trying to get my attention or:

1. A pirate is denoting on a piece of paper where his treasure is kept with an "x" because both the lack of education available to him in his day and his excessive consumption of alcohol has rendered his ability to simply remember where he put his treasure pretty much useless
2. A track race is about to begin
3. Someone is referring to my clever sayings as Markism, turns out, Marxism is a crappy economic system
4. Someone in England, Scotland, Germany or Holland is making a monetary transaction sometime between 900-1948
5. A student is trying to enclose certain spoken words that they are writing within quotations from non-spoken words that they are using in a sentence
And if you ever come across someone named John, please take the time to stop and talk with them because the only time people use their name in a sentence is when they have to go to the bathroom

Politically Incorrect

I always get a kick out of the political ad campaigns that are just bashing the other candidate. That's like Burger King ads that just tell how bad Wendy's is for your health. The only other professions where it's considered socially acceptable to publicly bash your opponent are rap battles and UFC fights. But just for grins and giggles, I'm going to try that at my next job interview.

"So Mark, tell me about yourself."

"Well, I'm not going to do that, but let me tell you abou...t this other applicant, Paul, sitting next to me in the waiting room. First off, he was on his phone yelling at his wife on the way in here and he also threw his coffee cup right on the sidewalk and I went through this guys mail and let me tell ya, he cancelled his sponsorship of a child in Africa to cover his increased cable bill. And he also

"Mark, it says here at your last job in construction that you beat someone over the head with a level because they said PlayStation was better than Xbox."

"Did I mention that I have probable cause to believe that Pauls' grandfather was Mussolinis' right hand man?"

Up Close And Personal Trainer

I always hate it when I ask someone how a machine works at the gym and they take that as a green light to be my Up Close and Personal Trainer for the day. It’s like, I asked how to up the incline on the treadmill, I didn’t ask you to tell me about that anatomical magic trick you do where you can make your neck disappear into your chest or if you had butter up your arms in order to fit through a doorway. I know that there are people out there who go to the gym in order to better themselves and gain the handy ability to throw tanks across football fields. I go to the gym to counterbalance the crappy decisions I make elsewhere in life and because the amount of peanut butter I consume is likely clogging up my arteries like a freeway during rush hour. I have come to terms with the fact that in my Ancient Grecian past life, I did not possess the body type that they modeled those statues with the uncomfortable lack of clothing after, but last time I checked we live in a free country where men and women fought for me to have the freedom to walk into a gym, run on a treadmill and cry in peace

To Do Or Not To Do List

I find that there is oftentimes a big difference between the optimism with which I write my To Do lists and the reality of how they are executed

Go For A Run - Start out on my street and after twisting my ankle on the shoulder of the road 15 times in the first quarter mile and limp around like John Wilkes Booth after jumping from the balcony to the stage of Fords Theater, then turn around and go home

Fill up my weekly medicine box - go to grab the pill bottle out of the top ...cabinet, drop it, have pills spill all over the kitchen and run around like some deranged druggy in some pharmaceutical Easter egg hunt

Make a nice healthy lunch - What??? We have Uncrustables!! Score!

Pull Weeds in the Yard - After dipping myself in a vat of SPF 999,9999,999,999 and putting on a winter hat, a baseball cap, a t-shirt, long sleeved shirt, hoodie, winter jacket and tucking jeans and long johns into 2 feet tall tube socks to ensure that none of my pasty whiteness is exposed to sunlight, go outside and pull at the weeds on the back hill that are obviously rooted into the Earth's core, go inside and order some of those pills that those guys in fitness magazines with veins shooting out of their arms, chests, legs and eyebrows are holding

Have a freeze pop - Nailed It!........wait! No! SLOW DOWN! You'll get a......AHHHHH!!!!!

Don't Scream

After working at a concession stand right next to a roller coaster for a couple of hours and having to listen to thousands of screams that bordered on absolute terror i became convinced that someone could kill a person right out in the open at an amusement park and totally get away with it

Dis-Orientation

Orientation for my new job today! I hear it's good to ask questions, here are 5 questions i will pose:
1. Is it ok if i take notes in crayon?
2. Is it ok if i pronounce it cran? Cuz when i say Cray-On, i feel like im talking about Optimus Primes' sidekick
3. That sign in the bathroom that says "employees must wash hands," any chance i could add a plaque underneath that says "well, let's be honest, everyone should wash their hands, including the nose picking 4 year-old who lac...ks both the grammar skills and attention span to read this, but if he's not washing his hands, that's on you Pops!"
4. What's your policy on guns in the workplace? (flex, get a buncha weird looks, then slowly sit down) "never mind"
5. I feel as though it would be highly unprofessional to ask to go to the bathroom in front of customers, so can our code phrase be "The chocolate is trying to leave the factory!"

Dude, I Look Like A Lady

Over the summer I had many new experiences, I got my license, went to Cape Cod, and tried a mango. Oh, and someone got my gender wrong....and although it chills me to the Adams Apple to recount the tale, i will tell it. At the pizza place, I wasn't paying attention to the the pizza line bcuz i was turned the other way restocking the salad dressing (I'm not off to a good start here) and some Indian guy goes "Excuse me, girl." When I turned around he said "I am so soddy" which at least made it a little funny. And to be honest, getting mistaken for a girl from behind probably just means i look good in khakis. It just bothers me that after attending several dance recitals and cheerleader competitions, that had to be the time that my gender gets screwed up. When I got home I went outside to chop down a tree and then I ate a steak

Headed The Right Way Down The Wrong Road

Drove passed some guy who was jogging, then when I saw him on the next street over he was walking and smoking. The next street over had a graveyard on it

"You Can't Park There......Or There.....Or There"

Today I had a check-up at the hospital for no other reason then the doctor said he wanted to see me again in 6 weeks. I'm starting to think he has abandonment issues. Doc, you gave me the medicine for the dry skin, if i grow a 3rd arm or moss starts growing around the dry skin I'll give you a call, otherwise assume no news is good news. Anyway, I just parked in a spot close to the building, but failed to see the "Reserved for pregnant women" sign in front of the space. I was then brutally beat to death by a buncha hormonal henchman. If you'd like to believe this is how the story ends, please discontinue reading now. I was kind of disappointed because I figured the parking for pregnant women would be a little more noticeable because the spaces would be wider. So I circled the lot a few times looking for a space not reserved for the pregnant, the handicapped, employees, pregnant employees, handicapped employees or pregnant employees with a handicap, realized I was late and just parked in the spot anyway. But I think I did them a favor, because any mother of boys will tell you that all a little boy does is push their patience to the max and make their lives more difficult, so you're welcome

Making A Name For Myself

I started my new job on Wednesday and I was getting introduced to everyone in the kitchen. So basically I was saying “Hi, My name is Mark” a thousand times (because I am definitely not the kind of guy who would have made up a fake name in Sunday School as a young boy and thus make the majority of his church family believe his name is George for several years) and as I shook hands with a certain young man I said “Hi, I’m Mark.” His facial expressions compressed and contorted. ...After several moments of me anticipating the passing of a kidney stone or getting to witness the first male to give birth I asked what was wrong. I assumed maybe he just had a problem with the name Mark, because I have a similar reaction whenever I hear the name Liam. I feel like the first time that happened, it was because a couple wanted their boy named William, but the “W” key wasn’t working at the hospital. And unless you are portraying Jedi Master Qui- Gon Jinn or rescuing your kidnapped daughter halfway around the world, you have no business with that name. He said “There was a guy named Mark who worked here a bit ago and he was a….(the chain of words that followed were not approved by the Puritan authors who write my statuses.) He went on to tell me that whenever a food order gets screwed up or a dish is dropped and shattered, it was known as “Pulling A Mark” (definitely applying superglue to my hands before leaving in the mornings now) Time to make a name for myself! Separate note to all Marks: Let’s Step It Up! If you see this Markian slacker, he is to be terminated! I will not have the name responsible for The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, the hit movie The Other Guys and the 1998 MLB home run record slandered!

There's A Time To Shine And There's A Time To Eat Free Pizza

Over the summer I worked at a pizza place where the group was basically me, the stand leader and a bunch of junior high kids who i can safely assume will never become CEO's of major corporations. Anyway, the stand leader (we'll just call him Cornelius) said he had to go on an errand and that i was temporarily the stand leader (he would later learn that i struggle in defining the word temporary but excel in attempting hostel takeovers) Here were the 10 commandments to live by if you were to make it as part of my crew:

1. You only get to ask me 3 questions throughout your shift
2. "Mark, can i ask you a question?" counts as a question
3. You must begin each question by saying "Excuse me Grand Master Mark, I didn't mean to interrupt your time of solitary contemplation but..."
4. If you are 5 minutes late, you must do The Bernie while singing Call Me Maybe until i feel you've learned your lesson
5. When i stand up on a table and announce to our guests that it is nap time and everyone is to lay down and sleep immediately, just go with it
6. If you're not under the impression that the Pirates of the Caribbean series got progressively worse with each movie, you can leave
7. You don't talk about fight club
8. ok, you can talk about our secret fight club, but only if you tell everyone I'm the champ
9. When a guest puts a dollar or more in the tip jar, cashiers are to place the guests hands in their own, look them deeply in the eyes and say "thank you, thank you so much." However, if a guest puts spare change in the tip jar cashiers are to say "What do you think this Is an eating establishment or a buncha uniformed, culinaryily inclined hobos looking for beer money?
10. When Cornelius comes back, you decide whose rules you want to follow

My Tip To A Waitress

That awkward moment when a 50-sumthin year old waitress tells you that you have a really nice smile, stares at you for a second like your a sunset over the Grand Canyon and then walks a few steps away....and looks back again

Martha Screwit

I made Chicken Fajitas for my family for dinner. The Food Network asked that I now share my culinary prowess with the world and they are paying me by the word so buckle up because here is the unabridged (actually that’s a lie, I just learned what unabridged meant today and I felt like using it in a sentence) version (a word that every kid knows thanks to Pokémon)
1.Preheat the oven to 400 degrees, then hop in a time machine and go back to the time when you preheated the oven ...and do away with Past You in whatever way you see fit so that the name “preheated” actually makes sense
2.Place chicken strips in a greased pan, then while hands are still thoroughly coated in raw chicken juices, go high-five someone you don’t like
3.After rummaging through your unorganized spices cabinet for a solid 15 minutes looking to mix together salt, dried oregano and pepper, substitute those with 1 cubit of salt water taffy, half a meter of Oreos and one length of Dr. Pepper in a bowl
4.Pour the mixture onto the chicken and stir to coat for 2 minutes (or about the time it takes to sing the Hershey’s “Stir It” song 8 times)
5.Call Mark and ask him if he needs his dry cleaning picked up
6.Cut up 2 Peppers and 1 onion (while cutting the onion, use bucket to catch tears, as this will be used to moisten the chicken once cooked….actually, don’t do that that’s gross, I just said that cuz in the past week I’ve heard 2 people say they don’t like the word moist)
7.Once you’re done cutting up the peppers and onion, add those and some tomatoes check the bowl for any cut off fingers, if there are any, once the food is done cooking, send it to Wendy’s or Arby’s for distribution
8.Bake uncovered for 40-45 minutes. you may also choose to go into the city and find a homeless person by a trashcan fire and cook it there. If cooking at home, be sure to fill the time by doing lots of chores outside of the kitchen, preferably with loud music playing and a vacuum going so as not to be disturbed by the beeping of the oven
9.Now, the last step in cooking recipes always seems to say something like “serve and enjoy” but I want you to leave it there, just sitting in the oven for like 3 minutes, it’ll make you appreciate it that much more when you get to eat and. And this is your first time making these fajitas so there’s a strong possibility you won’t enjoy it. But ya know what? Just shut up and eat the food…..sorry

Stay tuned for next week when I explain how to make cereal in 9 very elongated and seemingly unnecessary steps

They Call Me..... Hercules

At my job, the majority of the workers are women in their early 30s which means that it was just a matter of time until it was decided that everyone at work was to receive a Disney character nickname. Today was that day. I braced myself for what was sure to be George Little or John Darling. And let me deviate from this story to explain something really quick (as if I needed to tell you I would do that at some point) The toughest and most humiliating part of my day is between ...meal times when I have to move the large stack of trays which is conveniently located on a shelf which is only eye level for Rapunzel in the highest room of the tallest tower. So I always end up jumping around like a nerd playing tetherball in gym class, only being able to grab like 2 trays at a time and I make 50 trips back and forth like I’m an old person going to the grocery store (if metaphors didn’t exist, neither would my statuses). But for some reason, today I got them all in one jump n scoop maneuver. So whether it be by a God or multiple gods good graces, just as I hoisted the trays up off of the rack like Tarazan lifting the slain jungle cat out of the pit, Maria, the women giving us all our nicknames rounded the corner and she flexed, pointed at me and exclaimed “Fuerte!” which I’m assuming is Spanish for “wow, not only are your jokes hilarious, but you’re strong too!” She then told me that henceforth, my Disney character name was to be…Hercules

License, Registration.....And Extra Pepperoni

Picked up a couple pizzas for the family dinner tonight and I came to the horrible realization that I think I do my safest driving when I have pizzas in the passenger seat. And that's pretty sad considering the number of times I've been entrusted to drive someones kids home. I just find that my turns are smoother, my stops are more gradual and my path of travel is much straighter when I'm determined to not turn a cheese pizza into a half cheesy clump half sauce pizza on my way home. In fact, I think a law should be passed that requires everyone to have a pizza in the car at all times, this would encourage people to drive a bit more carefully and everyone would be fat so no one running from the cops would get too far.

Saving The Music......One Pizza Bagel At A Time

During my middle school days, my brother played the trumpet and I played the piano and we were a regular Louis Armstrong and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart duo. But sadly as I entered into high school and college, with car payments and student loans to pay off, my bank account entered into the Baroque era (Yay! Music humor!) and I had to sell my keyboard and thus Southern Pelham plunged into the Dark Ages where music was no more, education and cultural growth were at a standstill an...d residents spent their time eating s’more Pop Tarts and playing Star Wars Battlefront 2. But I am happy to report that thanks to some technological acquisitions, music has returned once again!...kinda. When our washer and dryer are done with a cycle, they each play a little tune. I know it’s only two songs, but that’s about on par with what they’re playing on the radio these days. And when something has finished heating up in the microwave, a flurry of beeps soon follows with the frequency similar to that of the edited Eminem CDs I bought in elementary school. And putting away produce in the refrigerator after a trip to the grocery store has become a game of Beat The Clock, because when the fridge is left open too long, it plays the one long trumpet blast from Joshua and the Israelites that brought down the walls of Jericho. I am saving the music one dish load, one laundry load and one indecisive trip to the refrigerator at a time!

You Alright, bro?

Today at the gym I was walking over to the weight rack and was looking to pick up the 50 bajillion pound weights which are located in the empty space between the 20 and 25 pound weights. As I extended my beautiful, 8 years of piano playing hands, another set of grimy, ghoulish unkempt fingernails came shooting into my peripheral vision. And before I go any further, there’s something I need to explain. There are certain people out there who have what you would call a great death stare, where they just look at you with narrowed eyes, no words are necessary, you just know that it’s time to shut your mouth (notable death stare people include Clint Eastwood and my high school Finance teacher) I am not one of these people. Whenever I get into a staring contest with someone I always end up laughing. So I turn around to shoot this guy what I’m hoping looks like a pre-fight UFC death stare. Bad choice. First of all, in order to meet his eyes I had to cock my head to about a 90 degree angle. Secondly, he was standing about a foot away but his arms and pectoral muscles were pretty much hitting me in the face. But I was committed so I narrowed my piano sheet music reading, CSPAN watching eyes at this guy and went for it! Immediately, a look of absolute concern washed over this behemoth’ face and he went “Oh my gosh, are you OK?” Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we may never know for sure whether it was because he was truly intimated by this Spartan warriors’ glare or he thought he had witnessed someone right as they incurred a fatal case of pancreatitis and these may very well be the last weights they ever lift, he turned around and walked back over to the Glute Master  

Barely a Hug

I just want to clear the air here and settle some confusion, I am a hugger. In other words, when I greet you I am going to try to hug you. The reason I'm saying this is because as a hugger it's the weirdest feeling when, in return I get this person whose elbows are stapled to their ribs and they reach out like a T-Rex and then they just tap your shoulders like piano keys for a few seconds. But that's gotta be weird on the other end too where you're just like "Hello, I just wanted to take a moment to politely but discretely acknowledge your presence" and this person comes at you like a 12-time pro bowl defensive lineman. I guess what I'm saying is, if you're a hugger, bring it! And if not, I suggest you brush up on your stiff arm and juke moves

Brains over......Well.....that other one

I've come to the conclusion that I believe I was born several generations later than I should have been. Because last night some family friends came over and I was introduced to an older gentleman who said he had a collection of military weapons and uniforms that would put any museum to shame. We got to chatting about the American Civil War and I was as giddy as a teenage girl during Victoria's Secret semi-annual sale. Except, you know, what we were talking about had history altering ramifications. Although in all fairness, I have seen some Black Friday crowd footage that would have the boys at Antietam soiling themselves. So he said "OK, if I were to say Four Score and Seven Years Ago....." And I went off like an Olympic sprinter of the mouth and roughly two and a half minutes later had the denture filled mouths of several seniors on the floor. With the cockiness of a spoiled rich high school varsity quarterback pointing to his Ferrari in the school parking lot, I placed my pointer finger on my head and said "Yeah.....That's mine."

Create Your Own Amusement.... Park

Several thoughts on amusement parks: You spend 2 hours in line to experience about two minutes of fun. So over the course of an 8 hour day you've spent 8 minutes enjoying yourself and 7 hours and 52 minutes watching the pre-teen and early teen "couples" in front of you check each other for cavities in the weirdest way I've ever seen. (and the reason I say "couples" is because if the majority of your fights revolve around which Disney channel show to watch, you are not a couple) Lastly, one of my favorite thing to watch and listen in on is the parent trying to talk their son or daughter into riding the spiraling, spinning metallic massacre that passes for modern-day entertainment. These negotiations go on for the entire 2 hours spent in line and just when headway is being made a certain blond haired, green eyed young man getting off the ride will start screaming "DON'T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN!!! IT'S HORRIBLE!! HORRIBLE!!!

The Story of Can and Unable

Great weekend w/ the bro! First, we went out to this Chinese place. And not one of those Chinese places where you walk in and they're behind the counter like "Hello, welcome to our establishment, follow me and I will seat you over here right away." No. One of those places where the lighting is that of a coal mine and the old woman who you assume is behind the counter, though you can’t quite see her over the hostess stand, talks to you at a volume leading you to believe that t...here is an orchestra of jackhammers going off out back that only she is hearing. And you're only able to comprehend about 10% of what she's saying, so essentially as you follow this woman into the darkness, you're doing one giant, hunger-driven verbal Trust Fall hoping that you don't end up blindfolded and thrown onto a ship headed toward some distant land to do several decades of hard labor. Anyway, so they hand us this soup. I have no idea what was in it (nor do I want to know) all I know is that either the building was slanted or the contents of the bowl were still alive, because I saw it move like 5 times. Regardless, my ignorance was rewarded because it was the best soup I've ever had! (sorry mom) So I get my main course along with some chopsticks. Now, in school I needed to use one of those pencil grips until like the 8th grade so I politely asked for some silverware. My brother pointed to the green paste that was toward the side of my plate and with trusting, loving eyes said “Try that.” People, I am a man. I know this because I shout at the TV during football games and because whenever I hear someone burp my immediate reaction is to grade it on a scale of 1 to 10. However, one of the XY chromosomes characteristics I lack is the desire to eat food that has been cooked up by lunch ladies Bonnie Parker, Cleopatra and Cruella de Vil in Hell’s Kitchen. I’m sorry, but I sweat after a workout or a run, but I don’t like being all hunched over, shaky and sweating while I’m eating. Heck, I can’t even handle mild flavored Doritos. My brother had apparently been struggling with jealousy ever since I stole the attention away when they brought me home from the hospital. He laid low for 22 years and finally his plot of vengeance reached its Cain and Abel culmination as the substance that made its way through my esophagus was wasabi, which is an acronym derived from the fact that it Will Aggressively Scorch At Both Intestines. Anyway, after I was resuscitated we went and saw Guardians of the Galaxy, all and all a great day

Household Hulk Hogan

Strongman competitions absolutely blow my mind. The fact that these guys can strap an airplane to their back and pull it 100 feet or whatever is amazing. How you come to learn you have that skill I will never know. These guys must just look at an airplane the same way I look at the 2½ pound weights at the gym and think “yeah, I could probably do that.” But the practicality of it really is kinda lost cuz I've never seen a plane lose gas with 100 feet to go on the tarmac and th...ey just go “Quick, get that European guy whose arms block his view out of the windshield when he’s driving.” So whether it be out of a sad sense of jealousy or the need to create something of sensible practicality, I realized that I have unknowingly competed in the slightly modified Suburban Somewhat Scrawny Sad Excuse Of A Man Competition.

The Grocery Bag Carry: Run to the car and grab as many grocery bags as possible and line each arm with the bags, giving you the appearance of being a Zebra Cake, Oatmeal Cookie, Cosmic Brownie baring Weeping Willow and carry the bags up a flight of stairs to the kitchen
The Water Softener Bag Waddle – Grab two 40 pound bags of water softener from the trunk, and although the sum total of this weight is just about equivalent to yourself, place one in each hand and make your way from the garage to the basement, as the sheer weight of the bags seems to be pulling you down toward Hell itself, allow the positive imagery that you probably resemble a cute, cuddly slightly asthmatic penguin carry you the rest of the way
The Vacuum Push Pull Carry and Toss – Start by vacuuming the carpeting in the basement, then grab and carry the vacuum up to vacuum the living room, dining room and family room then carry the vacuum up a second flight of stairs to vacuum the bedrooms and hallways of the second floor. Once again, hoist the vacuum and carry it up a third flight of stairs to vacuum the newly carpeted area outside the attic at which point you become so conflicted by the mixed sense of feeling fortunate to have grown up in such a nice home and the monotonous pushing and pulling of the chore that you lift the vacuum over your head and toss it down the stairs. Use the time that it will take someone to come up to inquire about the noise to regain your breath and composure and calmly explain “Well, I guess they don’t make them like they used to.”

A Shot To My Masculinity

There were mandatory flu shots at work and the only reason I went was because afterwards you were given a free piece of candy. Well, if you have a nice smile and you “accidently” grab both a Snickers and a Reese’s because you can’t decide between the two you get both And given the fact that all it took for me to follow a stranger into a backroom and allow them to stink a needle into my arm was the promise of candy, I should consider it a win that I was never abducted as a ch...ild. So the nurse swabs my arm and says “This is going to hurt a little bit.” Yeah lady, I just saw that it took three dudes to haul the needle in here like it was some python on Animal Planet, I think there’s a slight chance it’s going to hurt. I feel like that’s such a stupid thing to say, because pain and queasiness over the sight of blood seems to be on an individual basis, and I’d say my pain and nausea levels are at about a medium-well because I can get through the beach scene in Saving Private Ryan and my sense of awe and patriotism override the gruesome nature of what I’m seeing. But something that blows my mind is when I’m watching a football game and some tiny running back gets taken out below the knee by one of those refrigerators with legs and you see his leg snap in half and the reporters are like “Well, his leg is broken in 375 places and rumor has it that the ditsy model chick who arrived here with him has left the stadium, back to you Bob.” What do they do next? They zoom in on the guys face! And as he’s getting carted off he’s got that blank stare on his face that says “Gee, I hope there’s some Chicken Quesadilla Soup in the locker room.” In his head he’s like “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” But you can’t cry because there’s a camera in your face. Note to parents, you want to toughen up your kid? Grab the video camera every time they fall!
“DON’T YOU DARE CRY! YOU GET UP! ONE DAY YOURE GOING TO BRING A GIRL HOME TO MEET US AND IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT HER TO SEE?? IS IT??!!