As a native New Englander, I am stereotyped to be passionate about at least two things, the New England Patriots and Dunkin Donuts. As much as the internet is being used today to allow its users to safely fortify themselves behind some facade, I am here to quietly confirm one of those stereotypes. I go to Dunkin Donuts on a regular basis, because if I don't, my lack of coherent language and proper posture lead those who have the misfortune of being around me that day to believe that I am patient zero of the zombie apocalypse. People have suggested that I could save some money by getting my iced coffee from McDonald's. While this is true, I could also save money by hunting for food and sleeping in a tent outside, we all have our own personal lines of what we consider frugal versus fanatical and eliminating the purchase of iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts happens to be mine. Back when I ran Cross Country in high school, there was one particular afternoon where the team was running down a side-road in a single-file, skinny, sad line of self-imposed, sports-related singleness and a particular passerby rolled down his or her window and threw a coffee at our little band of anorexic social outcasts which happened to hit me in the leg. Was I upset that I had been hit in pretty much the only part of the human body that mattered in my particular, collision free craft? Yes. However, I found myself to be more irritated by the fact that someone would waste an entire coffee on a prank from seven years ago which they have probably long since stopped thinking or talking about. Does me bringing up this story now make me the weaker person? Probably.
Today, I encountered another iced coffee incident which has brought on a second epiphany. I was coming up to a corner stoplight where there was usually a homeless man I would stare at, but today I decided to be polite, or just not make eye contact, and I looked in the other direction. Unfortunately, the event that caught my eye on this side was even more horrifying than homelessness. A gentleman in a honking big truck grabbed hold of what appeared to be an iced coffee and dump it onto the pavement before completing the hat trick of hazards to our hemisphere by tossing the cup out the window and driving off in his Badmobile.
Now, I have seen people in cars beside me flick cigarette butts out of their window. I watched police car camera footage of high speed chases where the eventual inmates are caught on video dumping pounds and pounds of cocaine out of their vehicle. As unfortunate as these two instances are, the feeling I got from them can not hold a candle to the red hot rage I felt from watching, what appeared to be 3/4 of a perfectly good iced coffee, go to waste. In fact, there are only 10 justifiable reasons that would hold up in court for someone to dump a Dunkin Donuts delicacy from an open car window and claim it as being done purely out of self defense, self-interest or survival.
1. If someone is paying homage to fallen Dunkin Donuts founder, William Rosenberg, in the most gangsta way possible
2. If Dunkin Donuts started putting prizes at the bottom of iced coffees and this persons' prize happened to be a lifetime supply of iced coffees
3. If someone accidentally ordered a perplexed pumpkin spice iced coffee that found its way into April, because Dunkins, I love you to death, but the only acceptable things to do to a pumpkin are turn it into a pie or scalp it, gouge its eyes out and set its brain on fire.
4. If the iced coffee has a convex meniscus it obviously means that the coffee, that persons entire vehicle and all of the Earth are being pulled into some solar system black hole and if that's the case, by all means, throw the coffee and drive like heck
5. If the person is experimenting as to whether or not pouring caffeinated drinks on to plants helps them grow faster
6. If they thought that they were at Dairy Queen where they turn the Blizzards upside down or it's free of charge
7. If people have begun a live action Mario Kart, but instead of throwing bananas and shells at each other, we are going to start throwing coffee and donuts
8. If two passengers in a car order the same exact iced coffee and one of them sees it as a casual, sipping drink while the second person downs it like Joey "Caffeine Crazy" Chestnut, but then the latter party insists that the drink remaining in the cup holder is theirs and they just won't budge, it is best to just throw the beverage out the window and say "There! Now no one gets it!" Among the life lessons to learn from the wise King Solomon, it is best to forfeit something completely than to leave with a relatively useless half of it.
9. If you notice someone in a car next to you starting to nod off at the wheel, by all means, throw some coffee at them. However, you need to absolutely be sure of yourself that you are reading this situation correctly, because any misunderstanding or missed catches can lead to ruined paint jobs and damage to leather interior
10. If someone is a die-hard fan of Starbucks, they are a snobby, stuck-up individual who obviously has a lot of cash and relational bridges they'd like to burn, so, as a form of evil entertainment, they just buy the Dunkin Donuts to throw it out of their window to deprive others of the joy they get from drinking it, they aren't looking for anything and they don't care what you or I think of their actions. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
No comments:
Post a Comment