Ultimate Fahrenheit Championship

Yesterday morning before I left for work I was out shoveling my driveway. Now, what you have to understand is that the majority of my neighborhood is flatter than a two year old soda in Ben Stein's fridge. I don't know if God just had in extra hunk of clay laying around and He was like "💩 Done!" or maybe an angel thought it would be funny to nudge His elbow when He was drawing up the floor plan. Either way, my driveway has some very unpleasant angling to it and after doing about 80% of the shoveling, I had a thought that I can safely tell you rarely ever enters my head and that is "I am too dang hot!" I know, I know. You can stop laughing and shut up now. Of course, when I say "you" I don't mean YOU specifically, I mean everyone else. Anyway, the problem is, because I work in a hospital I am not allowed in if I have a high temperature. So, still sweating profusely, I drive to work without a coat on and all of my windows down as if I'm trying to "make temperature" for a fight in the UFC, Ultimate Fahrenheit Championship. I nervously wait outside for a moment, staying absolutely still and thinking about the coldest thoughts I can think of, like two penguins arguing over a pebble and never speaking to each other again. Eventually, I enter the hospital and I am immediately descended upon by two people dressed like the Michelin Man preparing to go into outer space. They wave this magic wand over my forehead, and I hear the three magic words that baffle me every time I hear them from a doorman, my friend's parents or my parents "Come on in."

November Reign

I’m stuck between wanting to share a feel good tale of every day self sacrifice and heroism unrelated to the news stories circulating and also not wanting to sound like an arrogant piece of garbage, because the “hero” of this story is me! 🤓

The family went for a walk in the peaceful village of Pelham, New Hampshire. Seemingly out of nowhere, a rafter of turkeys (a group of turkeys is called a rafter, sorry for making you learn 😜) ambushed us from out of a side yard and they looked like they meant business and clearly had extensive training from their time in the Turkish military. I channeled my inner “Godfather” and ran right at them making a sound very similar to that thing Shakira did at halftime. Possibly terrified, but most likely just looking for a more scenic route devoid of any nerdy Neanderthals, the turkeys turned around and headed back towards the woods, leaving my family and I alone. Once I felt they were a safe distance away I shouted “SEE YOU AT THANKSGIVING!”

The Bet

Following my birth, a very sadistic and highly unprofessional team of doctors placed a wager. It has come to my attention that immediately after our introduction, you all have been given an opportunity to place a bet and “get in on the action.” The bet revolves around the first time in my life I would be in my room putting away laundry and accidentally shove my hand into a running ceiling fan whilst fixing an inside out pant leg. I was given an admittedly very generous over/under date of March 5, 2020. To anyone who showed some faith in me and took the over, I would just like to take a moment and say thank you for believing in me and express how truly, deeply sorry I am. 😢 I hope you didn’t lose too much money

Acting Out

There have been certain moments in my life that I feel have served as solid “Parent Preparation.” Whether it be waking up in the middle of the night to let sweet little Sammy out or taking Sammy for a walk, feeding him and playing with him and then 1p.m. rolls around and I think to myself (🎵what a wonderful world🎵) “Have I eaten yet today?” And not that you asked or want to know, but I have also had to cut poop out of his fur and I figure anything poop related gives you “parent points.”

I was watching an XFL game between the St. Louis Battlehawks and the Seattle Dragons. Any time someone made a great catch, run or solid play on defense, I couldn’t help but express the kind of artificially inflated enthusiasm one must have that first time that their child shows them an epileptic episode of abstract art and says “I drew a picture of the family out in front of the house, what do you think?” And I gotta be honest, right now I don’t think I have it in me to not be like “Listen Marky Jr., Daddy is gonna tell you the truth. I have been to art museums in Madrid and what I am looking at right now is not worthy to hang as a restroom sign in that building.” Only in the case of the XFL and what is an eventual scenario I should probably prepare myself for, all of my “children” could definitely knock me down with as little as an excessive exhale.

Hip Hop Hypnosis

I have never given much validity to the power of hypnosis.

Yesterday I was at the store making a $12 purchase and I handed the cashier a $20. In return, she gave me a $5 and three $1s. As she gave me the change she rhythmically counted out “5, 6, 7, 8.” Totally involuntarily, I began to bust a move right there in the checkout aisle. Could I just been excited about actually having money in my hand? Sure. Could I have spent years of my life unknowingly under hypnosis and this was my trigger phrase? Absolutely. Am I just some kinda weirdo? We may never know. And if you should happen to have an opinion on the matter, in the words of Chester Phillips from Captain America “Now would be the perfect time to keep it to yourself.”

Roaring 20s

My 20s have been a very confusing time.

Yesterday after I got home, I got a workout in, swept my garage, made my dinner, got myself set up for the next day and did a word search. Each word search has a theme and this one was "U.S. Presidents." Now, I found that the most efficient way to go about completing a POTUS themed word search is checking that outer square, because typically they will throw a few words out there. Then, you look for the "oddball" letters that kind of stick out, like your "W's" "X's" and "Y's" (This eliminates Wilson, Tyler, Taylor, Eisenhower, Nixon and Kennedy.) After that, "double letters" have a tendency to pop off the page and finding these gets rid of Jefferson, Harrison, Fillmore, Coolidge, Hoover and both Roosevelts. Next, I would suggest you look for certain suffixes like a vowel followed by the letter "n" as this combination seems to lead you straight to commander in chiefs like Washington, Jackson, Van Buren and Buchanan. The suffix –ing sticks out which makes President Harding an ironically easy find. I finished the word search and went to bed.

The next day at work I was lifting a bunch of trays and someone who witnessed and can verify this went “Geez you’re kind of ripped.” Now, while I was in school the only time I heard the word ripped was because an article of clothing got caught in the bleachers and began to tear when I jumped down so my initial reaction was a panicked once-over to make sure everything was OK. My next thought was “DO NOT OBJECTIFY ME! I AM A HUMAN BEING WITH A BIG, BEAUTIFUL BRAIN, GOSH DARNIT!”

And I think it says something that my reaction to that was mistrust and concern. I’m also totally aware that in your heart of hearts you knew that word searches were the kind of anarchic activity going down at the Woonton household on a nightly basis. I am glad that Superman pops up every now and then, but I think I am much more comfortable as Clark Kent.

The End is Near!

I don’t mean to be one of those doomsday “the end is near” kind of people, but two signs that humanity is drawing to a close have to be people watching videos of people playing video games and this website I heard about this morning called “Fake a vacation.com” because not wanting to go through the arduous task of playing video games or taking a vacation is laziness on another level. And what the heck happens when people ask about it? I have a tough enough time remember what actually happened and now I have to patch together this picture of paradise when I’m asked about my aptly named Facebook folder “Lying in St. Lucia.”