I hate the dudes in movies that are like "Babe, I'll never let anything happen to you." Cuz either the girl or the guy always end up dying. So I make it a point to be truthful and realistic with my date. Here are a few things you can expect Mark Woonton to say during or after a date:
1. "I just wanted to let you know in case we get mugged in this Chilis parking lot at 2 p.m. in this bad area of New Hampshire, when I was in high school I ran a 5:36 mile so you better be at 5:35 or under if you expect me to keep an eye on you during the getaway."
2. "So um, not to address the elephant in the room, but how long have you had a moustache? Oh, don't cry. Its cute. You kind of look like Gimli from Lord Of The Rings, no one will bother us now."
3. "I'm sorry, but that man with the gun in the ski mask is going to have to take your purse. I have a 3 nice things per date limit. And as I recall I held the door, pulled out your chair for you and paid for the whole shabang. Plus, it took a lot of courage for this man to come out here wearing a ski mask in May, he deserves the purse." 4. (at the end of the meal when she goes to say bye) "You had the fish for dinner, right? And two pieces of garlic bread? I'm going to have to take a rain check on the goodnight kiss." 5. (I'm holding a stop watch) "Annnddd time, yeah it's been 5 minutes so that's enough of that Dance Moms stuff. So anyway, my fantasy football team has a tough week coming up...." Now that all of that's out in the open, any ladies available for lunch this week?"
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