I remember the first time I ever burned myself on the stove. I was only just tall enough to lay eyes on the brightly colored burners. We had some family friends over to the house and after dinner was over we made caramel apples. I remember being absolutely transfixed by the spiraling scorchers, they looked beautiful and the smells from the oven that night had played a promising precursor to a mouthwatering meal. I had to know if this alluring illumination felt as good as it looked. It did not. Like a moth drawn to a flame, my toddler self was mesmerized only to be mutilated. I wailed and cried and took away all of the attention and genuinely ruined everyone's evening, but you know what I never did again? I never laid my phalanges on the fantastically lit and ferociously fiery stove top. I had learned a valuable lesson. That is also why apples terrify me to this day.
I was in the grocery store and I saw this woman carting along while looking down at her phone, probably checking in on what's going on at the house while she's not there to keep order or possibly receiving a 3rd request from her children for some cereal with massive amounts of this white powder dumped on top of it which causes her children to run around the house like wild animals. leading me to believe it's not just sugar in there.
Anyway, she's looking down at her phone and doesn't see that she is approaching one of those baskets used for weighing fruits and veggies and crap. For an instant I thought "Oh no! Look out!" but unfortunately, this conflicted with my general sense of evil inquisitiveness which thought "Huh? I've never seen what happens when someone plows into one of those baskets before."
I'll tell you what happens. She looked up with this absolutely terrified expression on her face and then once she realized she hadn't run into a human being with feelings and objections she just batted the thing away like she was playing Tetherball.
I was happy that I got to be there for a moment of personal growth in this woman's life, because just as Ra's al Ghul taught billionaire Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins, I'll bet that woman will be more mindful of her surroundings from this point forward. I also had my own personal epiphany, Fruits and vegetables are dangerous people! My box of Pop Tarts has the weight written right on it and I knew exactly how much soda was in the two liter bottle of Diet Coke I bought. Stay safe and stick to purchasing these things.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Thursday, June 1, 2017
Mrs. Officer
I've heard it said that 90% of communication is nonverbal (although maybe I saw it in writing because for someone to say that would be kinda backwards). So with that in mind, I'd like to think that my kindergarten characteristics for courting a cootie-infested young lady were quite reasonable. It was something like "Maybe if I awkwardly glare at her from across the cafeteria and never EVER speak to her she will get the message."
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I have since learned that women are not half-bad and can be quite enjoyable to talk to. However, this freezing fear and perplexing paranoia had to manifest itself somewhere and sadly, it seems to me that whenever I spot a cop parked on the side of the road my mind goes "OK, are you sitting up so straight that you're about to flip over the top of the seat? Good! Are your knuckles practically transparent from gripping the steering wheel? Excellent! Now, make awkward eye contact that says "I'm a law-abiding citizen doing absolutely nothing wrong and I figured I'd best communicate that by looking at you instead of watching where I'm going."
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I have since learned that women are not half-bad and can be quite enjoyable to talk to. However, this freezing fear and perplexing paranoia had to manifest itself somewhere and sadly, it seems to me that whenever I spot a cop parked on the side of the road my mind goes "OK, are you sitting up so straight that you're about to flip over the top of the seat? Good! Are your knuckles practically transparent from gripping the steering wheel? Excellent! Now, make awkward eye contact that says "I'm a law-abiding citizen doing absolutely nothing wrong and I figured I'd best communicate that by looking at you instead of watching where I'm going."
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Sober Games
Drinking games are interesting, it's like someone said "Let's invent a game that gets more and more difficult the longer you play it. Winning a drinking game is kind of like winning an eating contest because people are equal parts impressed while also thinking "This person has a problem." Do you like games, but hate drinking? Here are the top 10 drinking games guaranteed to keep your blood alcohol level at the same percent of the chance you have at scoring a date with Taylor Swift.
Every time you go to have a movie night with your family and everyone unanimously agrees on the first suggestion that is thrown out there
Every time an NFL analyst mentions the words "Playoffs" and "New York Jets" in the same sentence while also keeping an optimistic tone of voice
Every time you are having a political or social issues discussion and someone says either "You know? I'm not 100 percent knowledgeable on the topic, so let me do some research and get back to you before I just start flapping off at the mouth" or "That's a good point. I've never looked at it that way before."
Watch a nationally televised spelling bee and every time they give a contestant a word and you think to yourself "I'm going to try to work that word into my daily conversations with people."
Watch an episode of "UFC Unleashed" and every time Mike Goldberg blinks, do a shot.
Watch an episode of "The Big Bang Theory" and every time you laugh, do a shot.
Listen to a country music radio station and every time a song DOES NOT mention a spouse or loved one leaving them, a dog dying or drinking a beer.......drink a beer
Listen to a rap music radio station and every time a song has no mention of alcohol consumption, violence and enunciates the "g" on a word with the suffix -ing, do a shot.
Watch an NHL game being called by Mike "Doc" Emerick and every time he gets through a play without wayyy overreacting to a shot that wasn't even that close or a hit that wasn't even that bad or using the word "swaggers", drink a Molson.
Watch a basketball game and do a shot every time the players get to a whistle without everyone's shoes sounding like an old car not braking in time to avoid crushing a bunch of baby birds
Every time you go to have a movie night with your family and everyone unanimously agrees on the first suggestion that is thrown out there
Every time an NFL analyst mentions the words "Playoffs" and "New York Jets" in the same sentence while also keeping an optimistic tone of voice
Every time you are having a political or social issues discussion and someone says either "You know? I'm not 100 percent knowledgeable on the topic, so let me do some research and get back to you before I just start flapping off at the mouth" or "That's a good point. I've never looked at it that way before."
Watch a nationally televised spelling bee and every time they give a contestant a word and you think to yourself "I'm going to try to work that word into my daily conversations with people."
Watch an episode of "UFC Unleashed" and every time Mike Goldberg blinks, do a shot.
Watch an episode of "The Big Bang Theory" and every time you laugh, do a shot.
Listen to a country music radio station and every time a song DOES NOT mention a spouse or loved one leaving them, a dog dying or drinking a beer.......drink a beer
Listen to a rap music radio station and every time a song has no mention of alcohol consumption, violence and enunciates the "g" on a word with the suffix -ing, do a shot.
Watch an NHL game being called by Mike "Doc" Emerick and every time he gets through a play without wayyy overreacting to a shot that wasn't even that close or a hit that wasn't even that bad or using the word "swaggers", drink a Molson.
Watch a basketball game and do a shot every time the players get to a whistle without everyone's shoes sounding like an old car not braking in time to avoid crushing a bunch of baby birds
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Five Dolla Guy
The key to doing something nice for someone is not then going and bragging about it, so I apologize in advance.
Yesterday I walked into Dunkin Donuts and some of the employees were counting up money in the tip jar and one of them said "tips were terrible today, this is like 5 dollars short of our usual."
So I gave them a $5 and said "you guys do a great job."
I go in today and the girl behind the counter goes "Hey! It's 5 dollar guy!"
Can we all agree 5 Dollar Guy would be the name of the least successful rapper of all time?
Be on the lookout for my first two singles to drop "Riding Down the Street in my CR-V" and "I Grew Up in a Nice Home with Parents Who Loved and Supported Me"
I'm on my way people!
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Market Basket Case Study
I'd like to tell you two stories that are very similar and yet worlds apart. One is a tale of triumph, the other a tale of painful self-awareness. While the series of events are comparable in chronology, they left me, and will likely leave the reader feeling very different.
Up first we have the story of a handsome young man and his steadily aging father. I was a junior in high school, it was a bright, sunny day just like any other Spring day in New England when it's not dumping the kind of rain that makes you consider building a boat, collecting animals and getting your crap together from a moral righteousness standpoint. My dad and I were in the grocery store, because you know, when you provide the food on the table and put a roof over someone's head you can drag them along on errands if you damn well please. We got every item on the Mama Bears' Old Testament length grocery list and both shut off our cell phones to provide us with an alibi for not responding to food item afterthought phone calls that would prolong our stay in this place.
We get to the cashier and my dad has me lift a case of water because of his back or whatever. Now, let me just pause here for a moment in order to explain something. In recent years, the furthest distance I have ran is the vast expanse between the King' couch and his porcelain throne. However, back in the day, I ran Cross Country and Track under the tutelage of a coach who stressed the importance of "lean muscle." Lean muscle is sought after in the same way a man is attractive who "does OK for himself." This is an oddly specific muscle mass that was typically enough to give me a sense of anabolic arrogance, but not enough to garner the gaze of a girl. This particular event with the checkout aisle chick took place halfway through my track season and my cardiovascular health, legs and arms were in mid-season form and I was feeling pretty good about myself and that attitude was reflected in my attire. I had chosen to wear a tank top on that day. If I decided to present myself in public in that manner now, the reaction would be the same as if I were wearing a fanny back. Mainly, "Wow, there's something you don't see every day." The girl in the checkout aisle was clearly doing her job as her eyes burned a lust-filled laceration through my luscious limbs as I lifted the water. My dad paid her and then we walked out to the parking lot and he said "You know she was checking you out, right?
Without looking at him, I nonchalantly said "Yeah." and we went home. All and all, I pretty much handled the entire situation like a total boss.
Fast forward to the present-day. I do love living on my own, but my financial situation and caffeine cravings have caused me to be a bit more frugal with my spending on food. I roll up to some cranky. old cashier with my creaking cart full of milk, bread, beer and microwave dinners and had this judgmental Judy look at the contents of the cart, then look at me with eyes that made audible her thoughts of "Oh honey, don't worry. She's out there somewhere."
Where has the time gone? Are my Golden Ages at the grocery store over? Sadly, that very well may be the case.
Up first we have the story of a handsome young man and his steadily aging father. I was a junior in high school, it was a bright, sunny day just like any other Spring day in New England when it's not dumping the kind of rain that makes you consider building a boat, collecting animals and getting your crap together from a moral righteousness standpoint. My dad and I were in the grocery store, because you know, when you provide the food on the table and put a roof over someone's head you can drag them along on errands if you damn well please. We got every item on the Mama Bears' Old Testament length grocery list and both shut off our cell phones to provide us with an alibi for not responding to food item afterthought phone calls that would prolong our stay in this place.
We get to the cashier and my dad has me lift a case of water because of his back or whatever. Now, let me just pause here for a moment in order to explain something. In recent years, the furthest distance I have ran is the vast expanse between the King' couch and his porcelain throne. However, back in the day, I ran Cross Country and Track under the tutelage of a coach who stressed the importance of "lean muscle." Lean muscle is sought after in the same way a man is attractive who "does OK for himself." This is an oddly specific muscle mass that was typically enough to give me a sense of anabolic arrogance, but not enough to garner the gaze of a girl. This particular event with the checkout aisle chick took place halfway through my track season and my cardiovascular health, legs and arms were in mid-season form and I was feeling pretty good about myself and that attitude was reflected in my attire. I had chosen to wear a tank top on that day. If I decided to present myself in public in that manner now, the reaction would be the same as if I were wearing a fanny back. Mainly, "Wow, there's something you don't see every day." The girl in the checkout aisle was clearly doing her job as her eyes burned a lust-filled laceration through my luscious limbs as I lifted the water. My dad paid her and then we walked out to the parking lot and he said "You know she was checking you out, right?
Without looking at him, I nonchalantly said "Yeah." and we went home. All and all, I pretty much handled the entire situation like a total boss.
Fast forward to the present-day. I do love living on my own, but my financial situation and caffeine cravings have caused me to be a bit more frugal with my spending on food. I roll up to some cranky. old cashier with my creaking cart full of milk, bread, beer and microwave dinners and had this judgmental Judy look at the contents of the cart, then look at me with eyes that made audible her thoughts of "Oh honey, don't worry. She's out there somewhere."
Where has the time gone? Are my Golden Ages at the grocery store over? Sadly, that very well may be the case.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Eye Rights Goodly
Is there anything more annoying than unknowingly bumping into an undercover agent for the Pronunciation Police or the verbal violence that comes as a result of attempting to converse with a Grammar gang member?
If I mean to say the word "go" and I accidentally pronounce it "stop" then I wouldn't mind if someone interjected and said "Whoa! Mark, be careful. You're off by 180 degrees on that one." Otherwise, the only thing this person is doing is interrupting while I'm talking and correcting me, all the while knowing full-well what it was that I am trying to communicate. Last time I checked, mispronunciation is not a sin. You know what is a sin, though? Pride. So, unless someone has a teaching certification that says "I'll Tell You What To Say And How To Say It" why don't we go ahead and leave that speck of sawdust in my eye right where it is, okay?
Some people might be thinking "But Mark, grammar is one of my pet peeves." Yeah? Well, I hate the New York Jets fan base, but if someone starts a sentence with the phrase "So, I was watching my absolute favorite team, the New York Jets....." I'm not going to be like "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Conversation over!" Mainly, because I know that come January they won't have very much to say to me, so I just exercise a little patience and wait it out. My point here being, personal pet peeves do not have the power to circumnavigate politeness and manners.
I do feel the need to further defend my position. Below is a list of "mispronounced" words and their meaning so that the next time someone decides to play the role of Audible Autocorrecter in your life, you can shut them down and say "Actually, I meant it like this so you can place your behind in a rear-end receptacle and discontinue the vibration of your vocal cords!"
Ideer - This is an app that helps people to locate the deer closest to them. What happens as a result of this information is strictly up to the individual.
OarGone - This is the sailors' equivalent to the "Find My Phone" app. Whether it be a result of poor visibility or an over-consumption of alcohol, this app helps people locate a misplaced oar on a boat.
Ill-A-Noise - This is a prank baby monitor that has a barfing sound effect timed to go off every hour on the hour. It is a pointless, cruel invention which I can liken only to the deceptive naming of the vegetable filled chicken pot pie.
BobWire - An online illegal music downloading site where people can download songs by Bob Marley, Bob Dylan and Bob Seger, free of charge.
Excape - Much like the invisibility cloak in the Harry Potter series, this is an invisibility jacket that has the power to make the person wearing it completely invisible to their ex if they should happen to see them while out and about and they want to avoid those several minutes of awkward, obligatory small talk.
Fedrill - This is a tool and a torture device used by the government on people who have not filed their taxes on time. It's a great drill. Definitely the best drill. Craftsman makes fake tools.
Upmost - Tallest. Used to indicate great height.
Volumptuous - Loud. Full of volume.
Cannidate - This is when two people are on a blind date and they both simultaneously realize that, while the other person is in all likelihood a decent human being, they are most definitely not what each other are searching for in a spouse. They decide to put a lid on it early, save each other an awkward phone call with friends and family and dine and dash.
Doggy Dog World - This is the name of a doggy daycare that is owned and run by rapper, Snoop Dogg. There are a lot of questions surrounding this place, like "Is Snoop Dogg qualified to run an animal care facility?" Is it necessary for the dogs to be wearing chains so large that their heads are constantly dragging on the floor? Lastly, what is in the doggy treats that causes the dogs to go into crazy fits of laughter and then just lay there and do absolutely nothing? For the answers to this question and more, I guess we will just have to "chill til the next episode."
If I mean to say the word "go" and I accidentally pronounce it "stop" then I wouldn't mind if someone interjected and said "Whoa! Mark, be careful. You're off by 180 degrees on that one." Otherwise, the only thing this person is doing is interrupting while I'm talking and correcting me, all the while knowing full-well what it was that I am trying to communicate. Last time I checked, mispronunciation is not a sin. You know what is a sin, though? Pride. So, unless someone has a teaching certification that says "I'll Tell You What To Say And How To Say It" why don't we go ahead and leave that speck of sawdust in my eye right where it is, okay?
Some people might be thinking "But Mark, grammar is one of my pet peeves." Yeah? Well, I hate the New York Jets fan base, but if someone starts a sentence with the phrase "So, I was watching my absolute favorite team, the New York Jets....." I'm not going to be like "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Conversation over!" Mainly, because I know that come January they won't have very much to say to me, so I just exercise a little patience and wait it out. My point here being, personal pet peeves do not have the power to circumnavigate politeness and manners.
I do feel the need to further defend my position. Below is a list of "mispronounced" words and their meaning so that the next time someone decides to play the role of Audible Autocorrecter in your life, you can shut them down and say "Actually, I meant it like this so you can place your behind in a rear-end receptacle and discontinue the vibration of your vocal cords!"
Ideer - This is an app that helps people to locate the deer closest to them. What happens as a result of this information is strictly up to the individual.
OarGone - This is the sailors' equivalent to the "Find My Phone" app. Whether it be a result of poor visibility or an over-consumption of alcohol, this app helps people locate a misplaced oar on a boat.
Ill-A-Noise - This is a prank baby monitor that has a barfing sound effect timed to go off every hour on the hour. It is a pointless, cruel invention which I can liken only to the deceptive naming of the vegetable filled chicken pot pie.
BobWire - An online illegal music downloading site where people can download songs by Bob Marley, Bob Dylan and Bob Seger, free of charge.
Excape - Much like the invisibility cloak in the Harry Potter series, this is an invisibility jacket that has the power to make the person wearing it completely invisible to their ex if they should happen to see them while out and about and they want to avoid those several minutes of awkward, obligatory small talk.
Fedrill - This is a tool and a torture device used by the government on people who have not filed their taxes on time. It's a great drill. Definitely the best drill. Craftsman makes fake tools.
Upmost - Tallest. Used to indicate great height.
Volumptuous - Loud. Full of volume.
Cannidate - This is when two people are on a blind date and they both simultaneously realize that, while the other person is in all likelihood a decent human being, they are most definitely not what each other are searching for in a spouse. They decide to put a lid on it early, save each other an awkward phone call with friends and family and dine and dash.
Doggy Dog World - This is the name of a doggy daycare that is owned and run by rapper, Snoop Dogg. There are a lot of questions surrounding this place, like "Is Snoop Dogg qualified to run an animal care facility?" Is it necessary for the dogs to be wearing chains so large that their heads are constantly dragging on the floor? Lastly, what is in the doggy treats that causes the dogs to go into crazy fits of laughter and then just lay there and do absolutely nothing? For the answers to this question and more, I guess we will just have to "chill til the next episode."
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Family Matters
I've never understood the allure of those shows like 19 Kids and Counting.
My dad has five brothers, so I have a lot of cousins. Whenever we are all together, it's total chaos! Like jamming people into a telephone booth (which is a booth sized area with a telephone in it as an FYI) Other than the fact that the conversation and conduct of most of my uncles would land them in prison if it were ever broadcast on live television, I've never been hanging out with everyone and thought "You know what this jam-packed house could use? More people, expensive recording equipment and cameras."
But on the other hand, videotaping my life wouldn't be that interesting either.
"For Dinner tonight is Mark going to go with a HungryMan dinner or a Celeste pizza? Is the milk in the fridge from this month? Stay tuned to find out in this weeks' episode of "That Other Bachelor, Though"
My dad has five brothers, so I have a lot of cousins. Whenever we are all together, it's total chaos! Like jamming people into a telephone booth (which is a booth sized area with a telephone in it as an FYI) Other than the fact that the conversation and conduct of most of my uncles would land them in prison if it were ever broadcast on live television, I've never been hanging out with everyone and thought "You know what this jam-packed house could use? More people, expensive recording equipment and cameras."
But on the other hand, videotaping my life wouldn't be that interesting either.
"For Dinner tonight is Mark going to go with a HungryMan dinner or a Celeste pizza? Is the milk in the fridge from this month? Stay tuned to find out in this weeks' episode of "That Other Bachelor, Though"
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