Is there anything more annoying than unknowingly bumping into an undercover agent for the Pronunciation Police or the verbal violence that comes as a result of attempting to converse with a Grammar gang member?
If I mean to say the word "go" and I accidentally pronounce it "stop" then I wouldn't mind if someone interjected and said "Whoa! Mark, be careful. You're off by 180 degrees on that one." Otherwise, the only thing this person is doing is interrupting while I'm talking and correcting me, all the while knowing full-well what it was that I am trying to communicate. Last time I checked, mispronunciation is not a sin. You know what is a sin, though? Pride. So, unless someone has a teaching certification that says "I'll Tell You What To Say And How To Say It" why don't we go ahead and leave that speck of sawdust in my eye right where it is, okay?
Some people might be thinking "But Mark, grammar is one of my pet peeves." Yeah? Well, I hate the New York Jets fan base, but if someone starts a sentence with the phrase "So, I was watching my absolute favorite team, the New York Jets....." I'm not going to be like "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Conversation over!" Mainly, because I know that come January they won't have very much to say to me, so I just exercise a little patience and wait it out. My point here being, personal pet peeves do not have the power to circumnavigate politeness and manners.
I do feel the need to further defend my position. Below is a list of "mispronounced" words and their meaning so that the next time someone decides to play the role of Audible Autocorrecter in your life, you can shut them down and say "Actually, I meant it like this so you can place your behind in a rear-end receptacle and discontinue the vibration of your vocal cords!"
Ideer - This is an app that helps people to locate the deer closest to them. What happens as a result of this information is strictly up to the individual.
OarGone - This is the sailors' equivalent to the "Find My Phone" app. Whether it be a result of poor visibility or an over-consumption of alcohol, this app helps people locate a misplaced oar on a boat.
Ill-A-Noise - This is a prank baby monitor that has a barfing sound effect timed to go off every hour on the hour. It is a pointless, cruel invention which I can liken only to the deceptive naming of the vegetable filled chicken pot pie.
BobWire - An online illegal music downloading site where people can download songs by Bob Marley, Bob Dylan and Bob Seger, free of charge.
Excape - Much like the invisibility cloak in the Harry Potter series, this is an invisibility jacket that has the power to make the person wearing it completely invisible to their ex if they should happen to see them while out and about and they want to avoid those several minutes of awkward, obligatory small talk.
Fedrill - This is a tool and a torture device used by the government on people who have not filed their taxes on time. It's a great drill. Definitely the best drill. Craftsman makes fake tools.
Upmost - Tallest. Used to indicate great height.
Volumptuous - Loud. Full of volume.
Cannidate - This is when two people are on a blind date and they both simultaneously realize that, while the other person is in all likelihood a decent human being, they are most definitely not what each other are searching for in a spouse. They decide to put a lid on it early, save each other an awkward phone call with friends and family and dine and dash.
Doggy Dog World - This is the name of a doggy daycare that is owned and run by rapper, Snoop Dogg. There are a lot of questions surrounding this place, like "Is Snoop Dogg qualified to run an animal care facility?" Is it necessary for the dogs to be wearing chains so large that their heads are constantly dragging on the floor? Lastly, what is in the doggy treats that causes the dogs to go into crazy fits of laughter and then just lay there and do absolutely nothing? For the answers to this question and more, I guess we will just have to "chill til the next episode."
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