The Thug Life Chose Me

Fear: It's that feeling you got when your mother started off dinnertime by saying "Now, this is a new recipe so you will have to tell me what you think."

In the past, I've shared some rather silly stories and I would now like to share the story of the time in my life that I was most afraid. Prior to telling that story I might as well just admit that, as a child, I was absolutely terrified by those cheesy Halloween cassette tapes and the part of the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas song where David Seville is screaming at Alvin to pay attention. Despite my childhood aversion to music which featured screaming, I grew up to become quite the fan of bands like Linkin Park and Rise Against. Now I feel as though we can begin.

During the first semester of my freshman year in high school I spent five weeks at Children's Hospital in Boston. At birth, my spinal fluid was not circulating correctly and as a result the buildup was doing something that the Pelham public school system could never do, creating pressure on my brain. The only remedy for this was to have a tube placed in my head to create a pathway for the excess fluid. The fact that the tube is man-made means that it has a tendency to break quicker than Glen Whitmann in an interrogation room. A surgical procedure is done to replace the shunt and after a few weeks of recovery, I am back to normal (whatever that means).

One would think that the most stressful part of a hospital experience would be dealing with pain or ones general sense of sadness at being in the hospital, this was not the case for me. Much like all of the problems in a teenagers' life, my anxiety was caused by something totally out of my control.

One night, I was woken from a drug cocktail induced slumber by the sound of a patient being wheeled into the room on the other side of the curtain. I was pretty doped up, but there are certain hospital hypnosis buzz words that tend to cut through the pharmaceutical fog, these words include: gang member, drugs, knife fight and gunshot wound. As I would later find out, the kid next to me was put in the hospital as a result of gang violence. While I won't claim to have researched much on the topic of healthcare in the United States, I do believe that if we are going to pair college roommates based on their compatibility in majors, music and schedule preferences, hospital roommates should at least be separated based on two Yes or No questions:

1. I am here as a result of something that happened prior to or during my birth which was completely out of my control
2. I am here as a result of a series of poor personal decisions I made following the time-frame mentioned in the previous question

The worst part of this entire ordeal was that, despite my non-existent record of bad-ass behavior, I knew that members of a gang viewed a hit in a vastly different manner than they viewed a high school education in that they do not like to leave the former half finished. 

While I spent most of my time eating french toast and watching my spinal fluid drip into a bag, the crip keeper to my left filled his day on his cell phone daring rival gang members to come and finish what they had started. I don't know if this was caused by him being exhausted from the lifestyle and he just wanted it to be over or maybe it was an arrogant sense of pride that drove this behavior. I just didn't like how specific he was getting about his location:

"Ya know what? I wish you would! I wish you would come up in here and finish the job! Do it! I'll be right here, homie.  Right here at One Hospital Drive in Boston, Massachusetts room 834 on the other side of the curtain from the scrawny kid with the glasses and the pee stains on his johnny."

Sure, he couldn't identify the state of Maine on a map the third time he failed United States geography, but if you dare call his toughness into question, he can pinpoint his location with latitude and longitudinal precision. So I freaked out, because I knew if someone came in the room to take him out, they're not going to leave any witnesses. 

Now, my experiences in the hospital have allowed me to travel to many different places both wonderful and woeful. I have been high atop Morphine Mountain. I have dined in Percocet Palace and I have drank of the Oxycodone Oasis. Nothing has EVER gotten me feeling more prepared to leave the hospital than being in close quarters with a criminal. My hope is that you, as the reader, don't know what this situation feels like, but for the sake of allowing you to be included in my anxiety, imagine you are on a plane and there's a baby that is crying uncontrollably. Now imagine that that baby wants you dead. That is what that feels like and that is the time in my life I was most afraid,    

Check Yourself, Romeo

That annoying friend that thinks that every girl that talks to him is interested

"Dude, she's totally into me!"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that the 43 year old waitress at Olive Garden is contractually obligated to ask you whether you want a soup or a salad with your lunch."

Do The Wave

You know what really grinds my gears? When people take a line from a TV show and use it as their own. I'm joking, what really grinds my gears is when people ask stupid rhetorical questions. Wrong again. No, but i do get mad when i walk by someone and I wave at them and they just put their hand out flat and put it up in the air. What they have just done is not legally considered a wave, because waving implies some sort of motion. You don't go out on a boat in the middle of the ocean on a calm day and say "look at all the waves" there needs to be movement. Listen, if I'm going to put forth the effort to rotate my wrist back and forth to show that I am happy to see you, all I ask is that you show the same effort.

Living in a Bubble

I've decided that when I'm an old man I'm going to wear bubble wrap around my clothes, that way when I fall, it's at least a little funny.

Don't Make Me Angry

"Don't make me angry...No seriously, I start getting stressed, my skin gets all weird and then I end up punching people in the face".....Incredible Hulk or Angry Adolescent???

Easy As....

I hate when I encounter those chip bags that say "easy open seal" or the TV installation guides that are entitled "easy installation." Labeling something as easy is a relative term, isn't it? Based on my experiences with opening chip bags and installing televisions my only guess is that nuclear physicists are involved in the electronics and snack food businesses if they think this stuff is easy. Also, despite the fact that I would be tried as an adult if I were to kill an electronics manufacturer, the childproof cap on my seizure medication is certainly keeping me young.

An Immodest Proposal

You know what really causes friction between my cogs? (I tried to make that my own) guys that ask girls out through text message. It’s only a matter of time before guys start proposing through text message. (Sadly, I’m sure its been done already) "Oh Timmy, your father was so romantic. He waited until the beginning of the month so he didn't have to worry about going over on his minutes, he was driving home from work and got through that hilly part of town where we get no reception and just as the sun was setting but slightly before the free night time calling began at 9 p.m, I’m not quite sure why he didn’t wait, we could’ve saved a lot of money…. Anyway, he sent me the text saying “Will u plz marry me?” And as I began to tear up, I could barely see the keypad to text back “ya lol” Instead of complaining about the wimpy, non-creative generation I am a part of I thought I'd come up with a couple of ways that auto-correct could skew the question.

“Will you Marriott rewards points me?”
“Will you be my wiffle ball?”
“I want to be with you today, tomorrow and Ford Escape”
“I want to spend the rest of my life with Yoda”
“I’ll be your groom if you’ll be my Bridgeport Connecticut”

"I want to be with you today, tomorrow and Ford Escape”

“I want to spend the rest of my life with Yoda”
“I’ll be your groom if you’ll be my Bridgeport Connecticut

That is the Question

Just saw an ad on the side of Google that said “learn 3 questions that will make her want to kiss you.” Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong:
1.“Will you marry me?”
2.“Is that a new (hairstyle/outfit/piece of jewelry or some observation that implies that you somewhat pay attention)?
3.“My family went out to eat last night and there’s some leftover (insert the name of her favorite food here) in the fridge, do you want the rest?”

And there’s actually a 4th one that these “relationship geniuses” didn’t pick up on
4.“Is it OK if I wear a Ryan Gosling mask with a cut-out where the mouth goes on our date tonight?

Criminal Clientele

Whenever I go get my haircut I always tell the hairdresser (btw if they're getting rid of hair isn't that technically hair undressing??) anyway, i always tell them about the "bump" on my head and that it's perfectly fine to cut over it. But somehow, in mid-air my words must change to "Whatever you do, DO NOT cut this area of my head or I will place an old Pelhamite curse on your family for generations to come", because I always end up with a thicket of hair where the bump is. So today I was telling the lady it's fine to cut over it, speaking clearly and slowly to be sure I was understood. She says "Oh ya, that's fine! Don't worry, i had a guy with a bullet wound in his head come here before."......Ok, first of all, I've never heard a sentence that started with "don't worry" and ended with the words  "bullet wound" before. Secondly, what kind of clientele are you serving? What if they come back in here looking to finish the job? I am home now, safe and sound, after doing 90 out of the parking lot... with a half shaven head.

That's A Rap

Based on the millions of dollars that they make, I have no idea why every rapper looks so upset on their CD cover. If I ever pursued a career in rap (which is about as likely as Bobby Boucher pursuing a career as a public speaker) my first CD cover would just be a close-up pic of one of my surgical scars (which would hopefully earn me some street cred and get me tons of money although I'd have to write songs about very taboo rap topics such as: Growing up in upper-middle class New Hampshire, having parents that always told me they loved me, and completing and handing my homework in on time) and my 2nd CD cover would be me wearing a crown made out of rock candy, holding a giant candy cane scepter, wearing a cape made from fruit roll-ups, with ring pops on each finger and a fruit loop necklace hanging low and wobbling to the flo' (because apparently jewelry that presents a tripping hazard is sought after in the rap community) and to top it all off, I'd be sitting on a giant Chocolate Easter Bunny throne. The CD would be called "Guess what I did with all your money?" Be on the lookout for my first song "Can You Take Me to the Candy Shop and Buy Me Some Candy Because I Left My Wallet at Home Yes That's Right I Carry My Money Around in a Wallet, Not Just Tied up in Rubber bands and then I'll Probably Need a Ride to the Hospital Afterwards"

Tis the Season

To the delight of non-sports people everywhere the NFL Draft is out of the way and as an overall percentage of the population, very few lives were affected. However,  a different draft has taken over national attention for the start of a different season, Allergy Season! Here are the results from Day One of the Allergy Draft:

Ojo State DryEyes had request to draft waterboys denied

With a dry spell during the winter season, Nasal Cavity State (NC State) used their 1st and 2nd round picks to draft the leagues projected top Runnyfronts

The Pit Stop Food Stealers continue to exclusively draft players out of San Dwich University who record the most Pancakes

The Washing-a-ton Irritated Redskins continue to favor players coming out of Poison Ivy League schools with their drafting of notoriously dirty player, Imaitch Suhmac

The Poison Oak Land Raiders are expected to have a short and obnoxious season causing everyone in their fan base to develop unhealthy and downright creepy looking skin

The Allegra D also appears to be riddled with problems ranging from headaches and memory loss to itching and constipation

The Kleenex Brands are looking for some relief after unproductive negotiations with top prospect Johnny FootCream who has now entered into talks with the Houston Ointments

And the silly and somewhat offensive leader for Team Mark is expected to mow for one yard this season

Stay tuned for up to the minute developments as the allergy season wears on right here at musingswithmark.blogspot.com

Hygiene High Jinks

No shave November is essentially dedicating a month to bad hygiene and uncleanliness. Let’s get something going for the other months of the year!

Just shower once a week January – If you need me to explain this one further please come and see me personally….so that I may punch you in the face. (An early threat of physical violence is the best way to make your reader want to continue reading.)

Five minute flatulence February – At your place of work or schooling, at least one person in the room is required to fart every five minutes

Manicure March (go one month without cutting your fingernails. And whoever does the best Wolverine impression at the end of the month wins a trip to Fuji on me. And if you don’t wanna go to Fuji, tough bananas!)

Anti-Anti-perspirant April (No deodorant use allowed)

Midnight Marathon May (Every Night you must go for a run for at least 5 miles and then go to sleep in the clothes you just ran in)

Jump in a lake with dangerously high bacteria levels and dirty diapers every day June – pretty self explanatory, I’m sure you have a lake like this nearby

Jump in a lake with dangerously high bacteria levels and dirty diapers every day July – Ok, so I was kinda hoping that you guys would be so distracted and impressed by my enhanced vocabulary in that last one because explanatory is a 5 syllable word that you wouldn’t notice I used the same one twice.

Anthotyros in the Pocket August – Anthotyros is a type of traditional,unpasteurized Greek cheese. For the month of August, everyone must carry a block of cheese around in their pocket. To add some fun to the game, anytime anyone uses the phrase “In the meantime…” you must switch your block of cheese with someone else

Squeeze a Hobo September – Go into the city and hug a homeless guy (or girl) every day (a hug is only a hug if it lasts a least 5 seconds. Have the cop telling the hobo to "move along" count it out for you.

Old Milk October – In September, buy a gallon of milk that expires October 1st and instead of using cologne or perfume use a handful of old milk for that entire month. I tried to make it sound like Old Spice (even though that is a deodorant) and now that i explained it you probably find it less funny and those that got it before probably feel ass though I've insulted their intelligence....frown emoticon

Nasal Cavity greeting November – Before you shake someones hand, you are required to pick your nose

“Dude, that’s gross.” December – Tell someone all of these disgusting things that you’ve been doing for the past 11 months and if they say “Dude, that’s gross.” Using exactly those words, then I’ll give you a Fruit Roll Up or something.

It's All In Your Head

Here are five completely made up diseases I feel I suffer from:
1.Psycho-uselessness: Only being able to recall useless bits of information learned throughout your childhood as opposed to remembering what was covered in your Historical Perspectives class just yesterday.
2.Isolated Mirror Muscular Enlargement: Your muscles randomly appear to be excessively larger the day after your workout when you look in the mirror in a room by yourself.
3.The Pre-Pubescent Stair Master: This is when you have a very difficult time growing facial hair, and when you are able to it seems to come in a shade 10 times darker than the hair on your head and thus looks like a moustache you bought at a costume store. Or when it does grow in, it’s very itchy and uncomfortable and thus every time you get a little growth, you are inclined to shave it off and choose comfort over the chance of looking sophisticated. Thus, you are caught in a vicious circle of feeling like your making progress but then being forced to start over. Females suffering from this should seek immediate medical attention
4.Nocturnal Time Travel Syndrome: (NTTS) Going to bed by 11 and feeling like you’ve been asleep for 3 and a half seconds and suddenly waking up at 7 a.m. (swearing or inappropriate word chose may occur upon standing)
5.Slipping Standards Syndrome: (SSS) The feeling that as long as your side of the room is cleaner than or on par with the cleanliness of your roommates’ side of the room, it is clean

Behind the Bars

Not sure if it’s cool to rag on dead people, but something really needs to be said about this Francis Scott Key fella. There were people fighting and risking their lives and you’re contribution is sitting there writing songs instead of trying to find a shovel to dig your way out of there like you’re Stanley Yelnats at Camp Green Lake?! In all fairness, given the amount of sporting events across the nation each year, that song is probably played more times annually than those four songs that are on the radio nowadays. Heck, the multi-million dollar rap industry is practically built on guys talking about being in jail, going into jail or doing things that will eventually land them in jail. So maybe that’s the key to writing good music, a little time behind bars. In which case I say we find charges to put Taylor Swift away for a couple years so that every song she puts out isn’t a piece of crap. Even if we have to make up a charge to get her in front of a judge, like Aggravated Dating or something. Let’s see how talented she really is when there’s a 300 foot brick wall, armed guards and visitation hours separating her from all of the horrible men she’s dated. Taylor here's an opening line suggestion for ya: "My song is a slammin' cell door, sneakin' out past curfew, gettin' zapped with a taser."

Droplets of Consciousness

Jack Reacher – Poor boy Jack Dawson attempts to woo rich girl, Rose Bukater, who’s way out of his league, winds up getting cold feet.

What do you call counterfeit dollar bills that are put in an offering plate on Sunday? Baal Money

Why is there a braille panel in the drive-thru lane at the bank? (No punchline, just wondering)

Recent studies have shown that when a girl gets up and publicly announces “I have to pee!” They are lying to some extant roughly 50% of the time

It is truly a shame that we live in a country with intellectual levels at the point where it was necessary to have the first step on the bottle of stove-top cleaner be "allow surface to cool before cleaning”

Cutting in line like an adult: When the car in front of you in the drive-thru gets to the speaker and you just yell your order louder than they are talking……..Try it!

One way to tell that you are gaining authority in the workplace is when people start asking you permission to go to the bathroom

I’ve heard of people accidentally scaring themselves in a mirror, but the other day I hung up a suit and pants on the back of my door and came back a few minutes later and forgot that I did that and for a split second I thought some tall, suave burglar had broken into my room. Has this happened to anyone else?

Slip Resistant shoes: You can make slip resistant shoes. You can’t make slip resistant people.

As a 23 years old I feel as though At family/friends get-togethers I am in that conversational purgatory where I am too old for the booger-flinging and Barbie doll banter that takes place at the kids table, but too young for the career talk and crisis in Crimea conversation at the adult table

And now, a quote from Ferris Bueller “You’re still here? It’s over. Go home.”

State Of A Fair

Deep-fried Oreo Balls and bacon dipped in chocolate.

These two inexplicably edible items were fired up in Hell’s Kitchen, placed on the Diabetes Dumbwaiter and made available for mass consumption by the public at a state fair I recently went to. In pairing together such a corrupt combination, this also serves as the culinary industry’s answer to the question “How would you best describe the May 2014 wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West?” Well, let’s just put these two horrible, awful things together in the hopes that they aren’t able to bother anything else that has a fighting chance of doing some good in someone’s life.

If you’re looking for a hillbilly hilarious take on the ins and outs of a state fair, I strongly suggest that you check out the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, I’m just here to share my singular experience. In fact, just so you see that phrase once more in your lifetime allow me to reiterate, I strongly suggest that you check out the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

The fair featured six life-size replicas of each of the New England statehouses. The New Hampshire house had a sign reading the states’ motto of “Live Free or Die” a quote from General John Stark which, while it is very inspirational, citing it did not save me from the repercussions of missing curfew in high school. At the front of the house, Adam Sandler’s parents stood profusely apologizing to each passerby for the first Grown-ups movie.

The Vermont house had a single man standing in it, trying way too hard to sell me on maple syrup like he was some early morning mealtime evangelist. I’m sorry, but Log Cabin and Aunt Jemima are just fantastic and if I have to deal with the artery obstructing consequences later in life and the guilt trip of my gluttonous behavior in the life after this, so be it.

I made an absolute killing in the Massachusetts statehouse, betting its booth workers a dollar that they wouldn’t be able to pronounce my name correctly.       

One of the booths at the fair was a weather disaster trivia game that my brother and I absolutely destroyed. (In this case, the word destroyed means “excelled in displaying accurate knowledge of.” Much like George Thorogood makes being bad to the bone sound like a positive thing, here the word destroyed is not a reference to vandalism or defacing public property.)  So long as all of the stratospheric situations were hypothetical, my brother and I knew exactly what to do in blizzards, hurricanes and tornadoes. However, I do possess enough foresight and self-awareness to know that, based on my body type, if I am cast in Day After Tomorrow sequel, I will not be lifting cars off of people or carrying anyone to safety, I will be the guy behind the computer telling the main characters where the storm is headed.

The critical part of our story brings us to a particular booth set up by the United States Marine Corps. Now, I’m not going to pretend that anything in my blog has had some sort of life lesson or takeaway for you as the reader and for that, I sincerely apologize, but if there’s one message I’d like you to clearly grasp through all of the silly storm clouds and haze of hilarity it’s this, fully read any document that you are signing.

The Marine booth had an information station and a pull-up bar to the side of it. Much like the medieval citizens in The Sword in the Stone, many musclebound men approached the pull-up bar and attempted to win the admiration of onlookers whose aspirations included eating chili cheese fries and successfully finding somewhere to sit. For reasons unclear to me even today, the trailer trash tractor beam somehow got a hold of me and I found myself in a line where my height, weight and lack of facial hair density put me as a far outlier in the anabolic amped up anxiously awaiting group. I got to the front of the line and waited for the Marines at the booth to get the step-stool so I could reach the pull-up bar. I began a slow, up and down motion     

While I was in the middle of doing pull-ups, members of my family were:

A.    Cheering me on and being encouraging and supportive

B.     On their cell phones

C.     Texting others from their cellular devices

D.    Definitely cast under some sort of smitten spell from their cell phones

Which means that now, when I tell them that I was capable of doing 25 pull-ups it just sounds like a fabled fishing story where someone says “Seriously, the fish was THIS BIG!” and of course is met with unbelief on their part. The Marines gave me a piece of paper to sign, so I lifted my aching arm, made my mark (no pun intended) and went on my way.

A few days after the fair while I was standing in my kitchen, a black SUV pulled up in my driveway and out of the vehicle popped two fully uniformed Marines. The sight of these two vascular visitors made me question both what they were doing in my driveway and my own sexual orientation. I wish I could say that my first thought was “Oh good, company!” But it wasn’t so much that as it was “OK, maybe that traffic light I went through this morning wasn’t yellow, but I thought that would be dealt with at a local level.” I answered the door and one of them said “Are you Mark Woonton?” 

Historically, answering this question has led to something either very good or very bad so I hesitantly said “Yes.” The officer told me that in my haste to get back to Freddy Krueger’s frialator, I had checked a box saying that I was very interested in getting more information about joining the Marines. He said this with a tone in his voice hinting that he knew it must have been some sort of mistake. I put down my Go-Gurt, wiped a few tears with my Aerosmith T-shirt and thanked him for coming to see me. He went on to tell me that an occurrence such as this warranted a very rare case of having to go through a house call dishonorable discharge.   

Dishonorable discharge from the military for someone who hasn’t even left for camp yet involves Mushu, the dragon from Mulan, jumping out of his military pack and shouting “Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow and dishonor on your whole family!” Which made me happy and sad at the same time. 

Trump Roast

Donald Trump, Flava Flav and Charlie Sheen all have the qualities that made them a great guest of honor on the Comedy Central Roast Of.....However, despite their seemingly equal level of qualifications, only one of these people is now being viewed as the type of person we want to see running the country.

Charlie Sheen Campaign Slogan: Duh? Winning!

Flava Flav Campaign Slogan: YEAH BOYEEEE!!!

Scarry Potter

Scars are beautiful. That's the first thing that pops up in Google if you were to search "scars are." If scars are beautiful, consider me the Miss America pageant, because I've got quite the collection. An extensive neurological history along with a ruptured appendix, gal stones and two eye surgeries given me a few supposedly sexy souvenirs and has also left me personally responsible for most of the grey hairs on my parents heads. I've always wondered where that line is though, because through a little scar under the eye of some rugged, middle-aged man in a leather jacket and you have yourself one spicy specimen with just the right mix of debonair and dangerous. Put some slight bruising under the eye of a scrawny White kid and "Oh, what happened?" quickly turns into "What the heck did you do now?"

Every scar has a story behind it and every story needs a catchy title, so without further ado (a phrase I plan on never using again) here are some possible titles for my later in life memoirs that any laceration-laden lads and lasses can certainly use if they so desire:

1. Peter and His Bedpan 
2. The Confident Boy in the Backless Hospital Gown
3. The Great Gastroenterologist 
4. The Curious Case of the Herniated Belly Button
5. Ruptured Appendix: This is Really the End
6. Sled Jump and Stitches
7. The Shunt Replacements 
8. The Lazy Eye Adjustment Bureau
9. The Gallstone Council
10. Scarhead  
11. Hydrocephalus Boy "M-m-momma say if I play football my head will explode."

In conclusion, scars are like 6-pack abs, getting them is not fun, but once you have them you are bound to get peoples' attention.