Ultimate Fahrenheit Championship

Yesterday morning before I left for work I was out shoveling my driveway. Now, what you have to understand is that the majority of my neighborhood is flatter than a two year old soda in Ben Stein's fridge. I don't know if God just had in extra hunk of clay laying around and He was like "💩 Done!" or maybe an angel thought it would be funny to nudge His elbow when He was drawing up the floor plan. Either way, my driveway has some very unpleasant angling to it and after doing about 80% of the shoveling, I had a thought that I can safely tell you rarely ever enters my head and that is "I am too dang hot!" I know, I know. You can stop laughing and shut up now. Of course, when I say "you" I don't mean YOU specifically, I mean everyone else. Anyway, the problem is, because I work in a hospital I am not allowed in if I have a high temperature. So, still sweating profusely, I drive to work without a coat on and all of my windows down as if I'm trying to "make temperature" for a fight in the UFC, Ultimate Fahrenheit Championship. I nervously wait outside for a moment, staying absolutely still and thinking about the coldest thoughts I can think of, like two penguins arguing over a pebble and never speaking to each other again. Eventually, I enter the hospital and I am immediately descended upon by two people dressed like the Michelin Man preparing to go into outer space. They wave this magic wand over my forehead, and I hear the three magic words that baffle me every time I hear them from a doorman, my friend's parents or my parents "Come on in."