Flexible Hours

Last night Amanda Nunes knocked out Ronda Rousey in 48 Seconds. When I have been at work in the kitchen for 48 seconds I haven't even gotten a single ticket for the breakfast orders. Then again, no one is trying to run around and punch me in the face (yet).

Must be nice.

How's My Driving?

I try my best not to compare myself to others. I've come to terms with the fact that while my brother was good at playing lacrosse and football, my skills were much more enhanced in areas such as handing people water or recalling the names and primary functions of the three branches of the United States government. It has dawned on me that if all the people on this planet were similar, then life would be boring and each day would be of a cookie-cutter variety with the same people doing the same thing at the same time.

Comparison can be lethal as we begin to focus on others instead of ourselves. I can't help but recall that picture of Olympic champion Michael Phelps cutting through the water with powerful strokes and the guy behind him looking directly at him. The caption reads "Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on winners." Let's all agree that it's a bit harsh to call the guy who took silver at the Olympics a loser. If I took home a silver medal, I would brag about that to everyone I knew, everyday for the rest of my life knowing that there's only one guy in the world who's going to top that story when the family gets together at Christmas and that guy is a whole continent away. Sadly, we seem to credit this guys' swimming prowess as much as we care about Bill Buckner's on base percentage or John Wilkes Booths' actor career.

So in that regard, it is important to focus on bettering yourself and looking straight ahead in your own lane. Another popular quote that I feel obligated to lob in here is "build your own dream or someone will hire you to build theirs. Unless you're Cobb from Inception, in which case you build a dream that causes your wife to lose touch with reality and jump off of a ledge, but cases such as that are few and far between." The point being this, until we master the ability to clone people, there only is or ever will be one of you to do the things that only you have been put in a position to do.

 Now, I am going to dispense with all of this motivational sentimental crap and let my guard down for a moment and open the door for an intimate interaction between you and I as I share an area in my life where I can't help but shift my focus from self-improvement to crippling comparison.

When I'm driving down the road during a rainstorm, I can't help but notice how fast other people have their wipers going in comparison to mine. Sadly, pretty much the second that Mother Nature puts a single teardrop on my windshield, I have this nasty tendency to crank the wipers up to rotations per second akin to that of Usain Bolt's arms in the 100 meter sprint. Meanwhile, everyone around me seems to have more of a lighters during a power ballad kind of speed going on and I think to myself "I need to calm down." Unfortunately, while others see a minor inconvenience. I see the end of the world as we know it.

In closing, we all have our shortcomings. Maybe you don't exercise as much as you should. Maybe you are a Chicago Blackhawks fan.  Maybe a pinch of precipitation causes you to send your windshield wipers into cycle rivaled only by that of the luggage in an overhead compartment on a turbulent flight. Again, I just ask that people remember "Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on memorizing the content of the 1935 fifteen hour filibuster by the appropriately named, Huey Long, on the floor of the U.S. Congress. Thank you very much.  

Wordgate: A Sit-Down with Bill Belichick

Getting involved with writing has afforded me the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people. Recently, I had the privilege of talking with New England Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick.  We discussed life, linemen and the pursuit of Super Bowl ring number five. What resulted from our time together was the following:

M: Bill, rumor has it that you are driving around a 2000 Chevrolet Blazer, any thoughts of trading in the car or bringing it to a junkyard and replacing that particular car before it does some serious damage to itself or others?

B: No! That’s ridiculous! I’m going to absolutely drive that thing into the ground. People say I need to remember how it broke down back in the winter of ’08, but other than that it has run absolutely fine! I don’t need to worry about resale value because I will not give it away! It is mine, my own, my precious!

M: Pop sensation Mariah Carey has a 5 octave vocal range, would you say that you struggle to hit anything above a D1?

B: Yeah, well I thought that if I zombied through enough of these interviews people would leave me alone, but clearly that’s not the case. I’m just going to resort to habitually asking people what time it is until they ask if there’s somewhere I need to be.

M: People have accused you of being dry and cold towards the press, would you mind telling me your favorite joke?

B: Knock, knock

M: Oh gosh…………Who’s there?

B: No one, because I have video surveillance on my property and I’ll curse you out before you get to the door! We don’t want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations.  HA!

M: Mr. Belichick, what is it that would make you happiest?

B: Well, I don’t know anything about that, but an occurrence that would cause my face to not look like I either just came from killing someone or I am getting myself mentally prepared to go kill someone directly after the interview would be to win that fifth Super Bowl Ring.

M: Fives rings huh? That would put you above some of the greats such as Charles Haley, Kim Kardashian and Brad Pitt

M: Bill, who are some of your heroes?

B: Ummm, English poet, Thomas Carlyle who is credited with the saying “Silence is golden.” I’ve always admired President Theodore Roosevelt who said “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Thirdly, Richard Nixon’s secretary, Rose Mary Woods, who accidentally erased a bunch of material on the Watergate tapes. Just amazing individuals with phenomenal track records.

M: After doing some digging, we found out that the girl you wanted to go to prom with ended up going with the quarterback of the football team, what are your thoughts about him?

B: I mean, he’s a great guy. He held doors open for her, pulled out her chair, picked up the restaurant tab every time they went out and he went to do the door each time he picked her up, didn’t just pull up in the driveway and beep. Just an all-around classy guy.

M: And you know all of this, how?

B: Camcorders, my friend.

M: You were born in 1952 which means your Chinese Zodiac is the Water Dragon, any thoughts on this?

B: What the heck is a Water Dragon? Dragons breathe fire, how do you have a Water Dragon, it’s stupid. It’s like a river on a hot day being described as dry and damp.

M: Did you intentionally dodge the use of the word moist?

B: Yes. Next question.

M: If you could speak another language which would it be and why?

B: Just plain English really, because just like the rest of the team, my football IQ is off the charts so when I stand up on the podium and really get into the meat of what our game plan was and what schemes we were using, then all of these poor journalists have to sit there nodding their acting as if they have the slightest clue what I’m talking about. It just must be stressful and very difficult.

M: Sources tell us that last year, your outdoor Christmas light display featured a lot of blue lights despite the fact that the only person to ever associate this color with Christmas was Elvis Presley, any reasoning behind this?

B: I’m on to this year.

M: I just want to know your thoughts on the criticism you received for having blue Christmas lights this year.

B: I’m on to this year.

M: Okay, Christmas lights are a touchy subject, got it. Bill, are you aware of the “Um Rum” drinking game where participants watch one of your press conferences and do a shot every time you say “um?”

B: No, I wasn’t aware of that.

M: Eh, don’t worry about it. After a while they’re not aware of it either. Ok, what was your dream job growing up?

B: A mannequin, next question.

M: Despite NASA reporting that they had the least favorable viewing of Haley’s Comet in 1986, did you enjoy getting to be around to see that take place?

B: Ummm, I missed it. I was busy with football stuff. I gotta do a better job of keeping track of when that is. Look it up in the morning, afternoon and evening. I’ll catch the next one.

M: It’s not estimated to return until July of 2061.

B: Yeah? So?

M: That would make you 109 years old.

B: Yep.

M: Alright, well your genes work better than your headsets, am I right? (nervous laughter)

B: (death stare) we good here?

M: Really? That’s how you want to end this? You could’ve gone with bye, good bye, ba-bye, thanks or thank you for your time, but instead you say “we good here” hastiness of a child that’s been forced to talk on the phone with his aging grandmother. Disappointing.  

(There’s no word as to whether or not journalists were harmed following the completion of this interview although Tom Brady said that he was “generally aware” of the presence of a roided up Hulk Hogan who was locked in a room with our reporter for a minute or two) 

Silent But Deadly

This morning I approached a crosswalk and saw a woman waiting for the walk light. I made the recommended two seconds of eye contact as if to non-verbally communicate "Howdy stranger, I see you there and I'm not going to bump into you nor am I a threat." I stopped at the crosswalk and she immediately walked over to the other side and waited there. I did a quick stretch and sniff to make sure everything was OK and it was. I now have two theories:

I am a burly, brawn intimidating young man who appears to have the capacity to explode into red hot rage at any moment which can be set off by something as simple as an annoyingly long traffic light and thus bystanders should maintain a certain circumference of safety  

I give off the vibe of being that creepy old guy sitting next to you on the plane that wants to tell you his life story and this woman is clearly too cool for that and she'd much rather spend those 30 seconds mentally preparing for that AARP sponsored rap battle she has to go to tonight.

Listen lady, I did over 200 hours of community service in high school, I hold doors open for people and I occasionally will wave on a car that is turning when I am going straight so quit being so judgmental

In closing, I was recently informed that women do not fart, they "fluff." (which to men kind of sounds grosser, but whatever.) So based on the abnormal amount of city smell that accompanied her departure, I fear that I was a victim of a maneuver which shall henceforth be known as the "Fluff and Flee."

It's A Bit Derivative

My interaction with a museum employee in Madrid :

"Is this piece of art being worked on?"

"That's a window and a closed curtain"

(Runs away embarrassed)

Scared Straight in Espana

To the Spanish kids on the field trip talking and joking around in the museum,

I took three planes, a train and walked a cross country careers worth of mileage to get here and this is right in your backyard so take some time to appreciate it.

Not sure if the chapperrone excitedly yelling at me was angry at me for hitting her kids or enthusiastically offering me a job based on the behavioral change in the children that resulted. Either way, you're welcome

It's Wedding Season

I'm Mark Woonton and these are the worst wedding hashtags of all-time:

1. #ThisStartedAsADare 
2. #NoNameChangeNeeded #AlabamaWeddings
3. #FifthTime'sACharm 
4. #SaveTheReceipt
5.  #ISettled 
6. #SheSaidMaybe
7. #VegasWedding #NoRingNoDJNoService
8. #IReallyJustLikeTheRing #MyPrecious 
9. #IGiveThisAWeekBeforeTheyTryToKillEachOther #SevenDays 
10. #SheComesFromMoney #SugarMama 
11. #DorisHasFinallyDoneIt #SeniorCitizenSweethearts #ClassOf1946 #RedLanternWeddings