Let the Games Begin

I've decided that if they ever put stand up comedy in the Olympics, after Brian Regan and Jim Gaffigan are suddenly unable to compete do to a mysterious case of food poisoning that I would in no way be connected to, I would be the  next logical choice to represent the United States (after trying out and placing 4th in the sport of humility) And after I take home the gold, I would take those flowers that they give the medalists and go home to my blond haired, blue eyed, 5 foot 3 wife (and just for the sake of making sure I didn't  just describe one of my fabulous female friends, she also has to have a missing pinky toe on her left foot from an accident in her past life as an English explorer when she was sticking the flag in the ground of the New World saying "I claim this land in the name of OWWW!" Anyway, I would take the flowers back to my home in Butte, Montana where I chose to live simply because the first time I saw that written on a map as a kid I thought it was pronounced Butt, and that's my rationality for where I will live as an adult. Anyway, my wife couldn't make it to the games because she was far too busy at her job as a part time heart surgeon and part time lawyer, career choices which became necessary because her husband spends far too much time blogging when he should be getting ready for work to make any money and I would give her the flowers and say "I couldn't stop thinking about you while I was in the Olympics in Antarctica. And while I was there I applied to the University of Antarctica and they gave me a T-shirt just for applying, isn't that awesome! Sorryvthey are a little shredded, we got attacked by a rabid waddle of penguins." She would look me in the eyes and say "That's ok sweetie, but we are out of milk can you go pick some up?" And I would say the only two words a good husband needs to know........"FINE, WOMAN!" Just kidding. "Yes, dear"

Corporate Courtship

At work today, a woman complimented my job in the dish room telling me that I was friendly and worked very hard. She then asked what was an obvious follow up question to that which allowed our dialogue to have the conversational continuity of a film series that goes from Lord of the Rings 1 to Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to Star Wars Episode 3 and finishes up with Harry Potter 4.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" she asked

 I decided to cut her off at the pass and let her down easy......"Listen lady, I appreciate it, but you're like 96 years old and your English is mediocre at best so I just think communication would be a huge problem for us, I appreciate the compliment of your interest though."

 I said no I didn't and she said "Don't worry she's out there somewhere (as if my future wife is some lost kitten just aimlessly wandering around) Just keep working hard and she'll find you." she said

"I'm washing dishes..... I spend several hours a day scraping crusty, old lasagna primavera out of a sheet-pan, so unless I'm meant to be with Ariel from the little mermaid or 2004 Christina Aguilera pops outta this industrial sized dishwasher and does an absolutely killer rendition of "Car Wash"  I don't think this is the answer to my problem. I appreciate this 7th Heaven moment very much, but let's just think about dishes now."

We proceeded to promptly and peacefully put away the remainder of the plates and silverware.

Do Not Follow

Am I the only one who's really creeped out by the construction vehicles with signs that say "Do Not Follow" on the back?

 I have certainly had my fair share of close call collisions because I sped up to the car in front of me to get a closer look at a sticker that ended up saying "Watch Out for the Idiot Behind Me" but the "Do Not Follow" sign has been the bumper bauble that has repetitiously and relentlessly captured my attention.

Comedian Demetri Martin once said "a bumper sticker is like a sign that says hey, let's never hang out." So, if the main thing this truck driver wants me to know about him during our brief exchange of fossil fuels and fingers is that he is not to be followed, I have developed several theories as to what these vehicles might be trying to communicate to us via their little trunk trinkets.

1. It is simply a motivational bumper sticker reminding those people trailing a tractor trailer to traverse treacherous terrain with the traits of a totalitarian, reminding them to lead and not follow in others footsteps.

2. These vehicles serve as the storage and transportation agents for children's Christmas gifts. With the knowledge that childhood patience is at an all-time low because of  fast food drive-thrus and same day shipping, it is a commonly held belief that many children will scour their homes like some deck the halls DEA raid team in the hopes of an early unearthing of their late December despoil. In an effort to thwart these preschoolers plans, gifts are stored in these trucks hiding in plain sight 364 days out of the year.

3. The truck is a member of the Acapulco arm of the Autobots organization and the statement "Do Not Follow" serves as a suggestion to fellow drivers sharing the road with them based on the mutual understanding that this trucks diet consists mainly of Quaker State and Quesalupas and traveling behind it would be like pacing back and forth in a high school boys locker room

4. The sign is a polar opposite to the "How's My Driving" sticker and alerts other drivers of people such as myself with visual impairments that can make driving a bit more of a challenge and result in some maneuvers that give off the impression of being drunk when in reality there's just a moderate mix of fear and anxiety and the sticker says "Do Not Follow" just because "DON'T JUDGE ME!" would sound far too whiny

5. The sticker reminds those travelling with small and impressionable children that the driver of the truck is most likely a trucker, someone who possesses the linguistic skills of a parrot and the word choice of a platinum-selling Rap artist and unless people want their son or daughter repeating these newly discovered dialectal gems later on in the company of family and friends, they best steer clear of the communication breakdown lane that comes with traveling too closely behind a trucker.

Those are just some theories and thoughts that I have regarding the rear-facing reprimands that we come into contact with on the roadways and if you'd like to believe one of the aforementioned ideas or further pursue its validity that is now up to you. However, if you are against the notions that gaseous galactic robots are now among us or an overweight senior citizen who's only known to work one day out of the year spends his entire off-season driving around protecting his stash, well then you and your thoughts are welcome to adhere to the advice of Fleetwood Mac and go your own way.  

Prepare For Trouble

 I was going to either write a status about my opinion on how the presidential debate went last night or write a status about how I am going to spend the entire day today pretending to be a Pokémon; vote now (no political pun intended)…………… Very well, Pokémon it is! I’m going to respond to everything that’s said to me today by going “MARK! MARK!” 

Mark is challenged by a wild College! 
College sends out Philosophy class.
 Mark uses snooze bar. 
It is not very effective. 
College uses 8 a.m start time.
 Mark has fallen asleep.
College uses Professor Throws Chalk at Slumbering Student. 
It is not very effective. 
Mark is fast asleep. 
College uses Pop Quiz on Saint Anselm's Ontological Argument. 
Mark wakes up! 
College uses T.A hands out quiz
Mark is now confused! 
College uses "You Need To Change The Wording On Number Four" 
Mark is still confused 
College uses Really Cute Girl Asks If Mark Has An Extra Pen
Mark Runs Away

My Affairs

The only time in my life that I've ever felt even remotely tough is when I'm cleaning out the car and smacking the floor mats up against a brick wall, I can't help but feel like a mob boss trying to get information out of someone

"Where's the loose change?!! Where is it?!! Don't you dare lie to me......"

Smokin' Hot

Lady in the parking lot asked me if I had a butt

"Yes, and I'd appreciate it if you stopped checking it out"

She was both disappointed and unamused

A Walk to Remember

This morning I went for a walk around my neighborhood and saw a kid playing in his front yard. Unlike many teenagers with their phones today, he turned his attention from his truck and Crunch bar, smiled at me and said “Hi, I’m Adam, what’s your name?” Prior experience had told me that talking to strangers is dangerous and strangers with candy (which coincidentally sounds like a phone app for pedophiles) are one step away from being on the terrorist watch list. My survival instincts kicked in and I planned an escape route just in case this total stranger tried anything crazy. I may not be able to fight, but I did Cross Country and Track for six years so when tensions get hot, I do what Chris Brown and Chuck Berry told me to do and run! Sure, this kid was only half my size, but Jackie Chan is only 5’9 and he foiled the plans of some schoolyard bullies with nothing but decades of martial arts training and a windbreaker, so I wasn’t going to take any chances. Moments later, an angelic voice from Heaven drew the boys’ attention and allowed me and opportunity to escape. Well, it was not so much from Heaven, but from the kitchen window and wouldn’t pass as an angelic voice in even the most lenient of church choirs as it would a shrill, bloodcurdling shout. A woman who I presume was either the boys’ mother or my old elementary school bus driver shouted “Adam! Get in the house right now!” He turned to me and said “Well, I gotta go. It was nice meeting you. Bye!”

I may never see that kid again, but I sincerely hope he ends up in the hospitality business, because from start to finish he handled this situation like a champ. He acknowledged someone’s presence in a friendly and upbeat manner, maintained his calm demeanor when someone around him got hostile and above all, followed instructions he was given in a direct and dignified way. So thank you kid, because despite the fact that my generation has turned Taco Bell into a breakfast destination and reality television show personalities into presidential candidates, you give me hope that all is not lost!