Do Not Follow

Am I the only one who's really creeped out by the construction vehicles with signs that say "Do Not Follow" on the back?

 I have certainly had my fair share of close call collisions because I sped up to the car in front of me to get a closer look at a sticker that ended up saying "Watch Out for the Idiot Behind Me" but the "Do Not Follow" sign has been the bumper bauble that has repetitiously and relentlessly captured my attention.

Comedian Demetri Martin once said "a bumper sticker is like a sign that says hey, let's never hang out." So, if the main thing this truck driver wants me to know about him during our brief exchange of fossil fuels and fingers is that he is not to be followed, I have developed several theories as to what these vehicles might be trying to communicate to us via their little trunk trinkets.

1. It is simply a motivational bumper sticker reminding those people trailing a tractor trailer to traverse treacherous terrain with the traits of a totalitarian, reminding them to lead and not follow in others footsteps.

2. These vehicles serve as the storage and transportation agents for children's Christmas gifts. With the knowledge that childhood patience is at an all-time low because of  fast food drive-thrus and same day shipping, it is a commonly held belief that many children will scour their homes like some deck the halls DEA raid team in the hopes of an early unearthing of their late December despoil. In an effort to thwart these preschoolers plans, gifts are stored in these trucks hiding in plain sight 364 days out of the year.

3. The truck is a member of the Acapulco arm of the Autobots organization and the statement "Do Not Follow" serves as a suggestion to fellow drivers sharing the road with them based on the mutual understanding that this trucks diet consists mainly of Quaker State and Quesalupas and traveling behind it would be like pacing back and forth in a high school boys locker room

4. The sign is a polar opposite to the "How's My Driving" sticker and alerts other drivers of people such as myself with visual impairments that can make driving a bit more of a challenge and result in some maneuvers that give off the impression of being drunk when in reality there's just a moderate mix of fear and anxiety and the sticker says "Do Not Follow" just because "DON'T JUDGE ME!" would sound far too whiny

5. The sticker reminds those travelling with small and impressionable children that the driver of the truck is most likely a trucker, someone who possesses the linguistic skills of a parrot and the word choice of a platinum-selling Rap artist and unless people want their son or daughter repeating these newly discovered dialectal gems later on in the company of family and friends, they best steer clear of the communication breakdown lane that comes with traveling too closely behind a trucker.

Those are just some theories and thoughts that I have regarding the rear-facing reprimands that we come into contact with on the roadways and if you'd like to believe one of the aforementioned ideas or further pursue its validity that is now up to you. However, if you are against the notions that gaseous galactic robots are now among us or an overweight senior citizen who's only known to work one day out of the year spends his entire off-season driving around protecting his stash, well then you and your thoughts are welcome to adhere to the advice of Fleetwood Mac and go your own way.  

Prepare For Trouble

 I was going to either write a status about my opinion on how the presidential debate went last night or write a status about how I am going to spend the entire day today pretending to be a Pokémon; vote now (no political pun intended)…………… Very well, Pokémon it is! I’m going to respond to everything that’s said to me today by going “MARK! MARK!” 

Mark is challenged by a wild College! 
College sends out Philosophy class.
 Mark uses snooze bar. 
It is not very effective. 
College uses 8 a.m start time.
 Mark has fallen asleep.
College uses Professor Throws Chalk at Slumbering Student. 
It is not very effective. 
Mark is fast asleep. 
College uses Pop Quiz on Saint Anselm's Ontological Argument. 
Mark wakes up! 
College uses T.A hands out quiz
Mark is now confused! 
College uses "You Need To Change The Wording On Number Four" 
Mark is still confused 
College uses Really Cute Girl Asks If Mark Has An Extra Pen
Mark Runs Away

My Affairs

The only time in my life that I've ever felt even remotely tough is when I'm cleaning out the car and smacking the floor mats up against a brick wall, I can't help but feel like a mob boss trying to get information out of someone

"Where's the loose change?!! Where is it?!! Don't you dare lie to me......"

Smokin' Hot

Lady in the parking lot asked me if I had a butt

"Yes, and I'd appreciate it if you stopped checking it out"

She was both disappointed and unamused

A Walk to Remember

This morning I went for a walk around my neighborhood and saw a kid playing in his front yard. Unlike many teenagers with their phones today, he turned his attention from his truck and Crunch bar, smiled at me and said “Hi, I’m Adam, what’s your name?” Prior experience had told me that talking to strangers is dangerous and strangers with candy (which coincidentally sounds like a phone app for pedophiles) are one step away from being on the terrorist watch list. My survival instincts kicked in and I planned an escape route just in case this total stranger tried anything crazy. I may not be able to fight, but I did Cross Country and Track for six years so when tensions get hot, I do what Chris Brown and Chuck Berry told me to do and run! Sure, this kid was only half my size, but Jackie Chan is only 5’9 and he foiled the plans of some schoolyard bullies with nothing but decades of martial arts training and a windbreaker, so I wasn’t going to take any chances. Moments later, an angelic voice from Heaven drew the boys’ attention and allowed me and opportunity to escape. Well, it was not so much from Heaven, but from the kitchen window and wouldn’t pass as an angelic voice in even the most lenient of church choirs as it would a shrill, bloodcurdling shout. A woman who I presume was either the boys’ mother or my old elementary school bus driver shouted “Adam! Get in the house right now!” He turned to me and said “Well, I gotta go. It was nice meeting you. Bye!”

I may never see that kid again, but I sincerely hope he ends up in the hospitality business, because from start to finish he handled this situation like a champ. He acknowledged someone’s presence in a friendly and upbeat manner, maintained his calm demeanor when someone around him got hostile and above all, followed instructions he was given in a direct and dignified way. So thank you kid, because despite the fact that my generation has turned Taco Bell into a breakfast destination and reality television show personalities into presidential candidates, you give me hope that all is not lost!

How Did You Two Meet?

I bumped into an old friend of mine and asked her how things were going with a guy she had recently started dating. Actually, that's not true, I asked her how her new job was going and either she decided to treat that question like Bill Belichick treats a reporters question at a press conference and just not answer it at all or the vernacular variations between the men of Mars and the women of Venus caused my question to be received as the following: "Please tell me how you and your boyfriend met."

This was verbatim the story that followed and is perhaps the most concise tale of courtship I have ever been told: "I just kind of followed him around until he asked me out."

Now, given the social and workplace inequality that women have faced over the years, I would never make the claim that women have it easier than men in almost any aspect of daily life. Heck, I'm impressed by the fact that a girl can whip her hair into a pretty little ponytail without even looking. Had I been born a Margaret instead of a Mark, any time I tried to do that I would most likely end up accidentally looking the way Deryck Whilbey of Sum 41 has chosen to look on purpose.

In this moment, I realized a key difference in the way certain things are perceived by men and women, because while a mans' reaction to a young lady following him around the Quad for three days is best represented by Dem Franchize Boyz, an Atlanta based Rap group wishing to raise awareness of the letter "Z" with their 2005 hit single hit "Oh, I Think They Like Me" a woman's reaction to a man doing this is more along the lines of 2004 Jojo and just like every other Boston woman, she just wants you to "leave, get out!" Your local police also have a cute little code name for when a man does this to a woman. It's called stalking and you can get in a lot of trouble for it.

Along with the joy that comes with seeing one of my friends happily in a relationship, I really wish these two a lifetime of happiness because I'd love for that to be exactly the way the story is told when little Susie climbs up onto Daddy's lap and asks him how he met mommy.

"Well, sweetheart, mommy followed daddy around campus for a few days like Pikachu following Ash in Yellow Version, so daddy eventually figured "what the hell, why not?"

What Time Is It

If people use the phrase "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" as an excuse to drink can I use "it's my bedtime somewhere" as an excuse to nap?