Ode to Mediocrity

A Hat Trick is when someone scores three goals in a game. In hockey, a Gordie Howe hat trick is when, in a single game, someone has a goal, an assist and a fight. During my playing days, a Mark Woonton hat trick was when I walked into the correct locker room, put my skates on the right feet and looked in the direction I was supposed to be looking prior to every puck drop.

My dad said if I scored one goal, he’d carry my hockey stick out of the locker room to the car. If I scored two goals, he’d also carry my equipment bag and if I scored three goals, we’d pack up the van move to Canada and I’d pursue a career in hockey full time. I’m sure this was meant as incentive to play well, but with this as my motivation, he inadvertently taught me to never pass the puck, ever! I was taking it from my own teammates, flying around the ice like the Rogue Rink Runner. As you can tell by my current residence and nearly transparent triceps, I scored plenty of goals but could never complete the trifecta. Every time I left the rink having scored only one one goal,  I’d bust through the doors, beat red in the face, breathing heavily struggling with a giant duffel bag shouting “BRING THE CAR AROUND, QUICK!!!” and to this day, I consider it a complete miracle that that chain of events didn't put me as the prime suspect for every murder in the past week within a 50 mile radius. There’s something to be said for striving to be a mediocre talent, because I’m proud of my playing days, but I’m also proud to still be an American.