September 7th was National Acorn Squash Day in the United States. I was unsure as to whether this meant I was to celebrate by eating acorn squash or spend the day squashing acorns. Now that this day has come and gone, the next big day on everyone's calendar is Halloween.
In recent years, some Halloween costumes have gone from be risky to raunchy all the way to repulsively bad in taste. With that in mind, I'd like to share with you the story of a custom-made Halloween costume that put me in a witch's cauldron-worth of hot water.
It was October of 2004 and I was excited because my friend and I had been allowed to go out on our own after agreeing to my parents' declaration of demands. Even more than that I was excited about the potential of profit from my costume. Being October of an election year I dressed in Uncle Sam garb complete with red, white and blue pants, shirt, hat and the beard I will never be able to grow in real life. Instead of a pillowcase, I had a giant box with two slots cut out and a picture of John Kerry and George W. Bush on either side with a divider down the middle on the inside of the box. People would put the candy in the side of whoever they wanted to see win, because the only thing that makes adults feel more comfortable about handing candy out to children they don't know is divulging their beliefs about democracy.
Despite the time I wasted "explaining" my costume, the impact of the up-side to this outfit was immediate as we approached front-yards plastered in political propaganda and I'd say "So you put the candy in the slot you'd like to see win and I'm going to count them up at the end." The person on the other end of the candy bowl would get all wide-eyed as if they thought an excessive amount of Almond Joys had an impact on the outcome of the election (Fun Fact: Almond Joys suck). After emptying out all of the contents he'd be like "Honey, grab the Tic Tacs and gum from my nightstand." Then turn to his kids who had come home early to get to bed "Kids, give the nice man your candy. What he is doing is more important to me than your happiness." Other people on their porch distributing future dental visits just hated the opponent so much they'd be shoveling Shock Tarts at me while muttering something about the foibles of their foes' foreign policy.
Everyone loved the idea and thought it was really out of the box and original. In short, I was absolutely cleaning up. We arrive at one house and an elderly person answers the door. You know, the type of senior citizen who is oftentimes associated new ideas, creativity and ultimately, good old-fashioned fun? I said "So, you put the candy in the slot you want to see win or if you're undecided, just put one in each!" (that is what people in the business world call being a salesman!) He furrows his eyebrows in ferocity, wags a finger at me and shouts "NO! NO POLITICAL STATEMENTS!" and slammed the door. I stood there, dumbfounded. I thought to myself "Excuse me, but I just watched you dole out candy to three Supermen, two Batmen and a Freddy Krueger, do you have any idea how much death, property damage and sleep deprivation those guys are responsible for? But MY costume offends you? OK. He glared at me through the column of windows next to the door and waited until I accepted my fate and did an Airheadsless about face.
So, listen here my Nerds Rope collecting nomads of the night. Go ahead and be crude with your costumes, be crass with your candy collection clothing, but don't you dare, don't you DARE be creative!
No comments:
Post a Comment