Locked Up Abroad: Nerdy and Afraid

I've been called a lot of things in my day: Mark, Mahhhkkk, Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch, Mark Kent, Marcus Clarkus, Marcus Welby (M.D.) Wonton, Wooney Tune, Wootang and my personal favorite that I was given in college, Wuantanamo Bay. However, I'd like to tell you the nickname that brings great dishonor upon myself, my family and for reasons I don't care to get into right now, anyone whose last name ends in a vowel and that name is......criminal.

My story begins the way you would imagine any good crime thriller starts, it was spring break and I was on vacation with the other members of the infamous Woonton crime family. My brother, my dad and myself were returning to the home we had rented after engaging in the one activity that kills more people of Irish ancestry than any other, spending the day at the beach. I walked ahead of them, my memory is a little hazy as to why I did this, it's either because I'm really fast or I had to pee, you pick.

I opened the sliding door and walked into the darkness of the unlit kitchen/living room/bedroom, blinded by the vanilla milkshake induced vertigo, but I noticed two things in my hurried haze:
1. My dad and my brother remained outside the door, looking in at me
2. There was a pack of Marlboro cigarettes on the counter

Listen people, I chewed gum in school, I ran in the hallway, I even described some of the things we were taught in math class as "stupid", but I never smoked a cigarette, mainly because I ran Cross Country and Track and also because no one in my family smoked, people in my family included my brother and dad who stood howling with laughter on the other side of the glass of pain.

To this day, I have no idea whose home I walked into in the middle of the night in the middle of the Caribbean, but based on the little I know about them I can only assume that they are dead. If smoking doesn't kill you, then allowing some directionally challenged dingbat to wonder willy nilly into your home certainly will. So, the next time you see me creepily walking behind you, I'm not being weird, I just most likely have no idea where I'm supposed to be going. I'm just glad that no one woke up in time to call the cops and get me a guest appearance on the next episode of Locked Up Abroad: Nerdy and Afraid, and for that, I am thankful.