Wordgate: A Sit-Down with Bill Belichick

Getting involved with writing has afforded me the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people. Recently, I had the privilege of talking with New England Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick.  We discussed life, linemen and the pursuit of Super Bowl ring number five. What resulted from our time together was the following:

M: Bill, rumor has it that you are driving around a 2000 Chevrolet Blazer, any thoughts of trading in the car or bringing it to a junkyard and replacing that particular car before it does some serious damage to itself or others?

B: No! That’s ridiculous! I’m going to absolutely drive that thing into the ground. People say I need to remember how it broke down back in the winter of ’08, but other than that it has run absolutely fine! I don’t need to worry about resale value because I will not give it away! It is mine, my own, my precious!

M: Pop sensation Mariah Carey has a 5 octave vocal range, would you say that you struggle to hit anything above a D1?

B: Yeah, well I thought that if I zombied through enough of these interviews people would leave me alone, but clearly that’s not the case. I’m just going to resort to habitually asking people what time it is until they ask if there’s somewhere I need to be.

M: People have accused you of being dry and cold towards the press, would you mind telling me your favorite joke?

B: Knock, knock

M: Oh gosh…………Who’s there?

B: No one, because I have video surveillance on my property and I’ll curse you out before you get to the door! We don’t want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations.  HA!

M: Mr. Belichick, what is it that would make you happiest?

B: Well, I don’t know anything about that, but an occurrence that would cause my face to not look like I either just came from killing someone or I am getting myself mentally prepared to go kill someone directly after the interview would be to win that fifth Super Bowl Ring.

M: Fives rings huh? That would put you above some of the greats such as Charles Haley, Kim Kardashian and Brad Pitt

M: Bill, who are some of your heroes?

B: Ummm, English poet, Thomas Carlyle who is credited with the saying “Silence is golden.” I’ve always admired President Theodore Roosevelt who said “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Thirdly, Richard Nixon’s secretary, Rose Mary Woods, who accidentally erased a bunch of material on the Watergate tapes. Just amazing individuals with phenomenal track records.

M: After doing some digging, we found out that the girl you wanted to go to prom with ended up going with the quarterback of the football team, what are your thoughts about him?

B: I mean, he’s a great guy. He held doors open for her, pulled out her chair, picked up the restaurant tab every time they went out and he went to do the door each time he picked her up, didn’t just pull up in the driveway and beep. Just an all-around classy guy.

M: And you know all of this, how?

B: Camcorders, my friend.

M: You were born in 1952 which means your Chinese Zodiac is the Water Dragon, any thoughts on this?

B: What the heck is a Water Dragon? Dragons breathe fire, how do you have a Water Dragon, it’s stupid. It’s like a river on a hot day being described as dry and damp.

M: Did you intentionally dodge the use of the word moist?

B: Yes. Next question.

M: If you could speak another language which would it be and why?

B: Just plain English really, because just like the rest of the team, my football IQ is off the charts so when I stand up on the podium and really get into the meat of what our game plan was and what schemes we were using, then all of these poor journalists have to sit there nodding their acting as if they have the slightest clue what I’m talking about. It just must be stressful and very difficult.

M: Sources tell us that last year, your outdoor Christmas light display featured a lot of blue lights despite the fact that the only person to ever associate this color with Christmas was Elvis Presley, any reasoning behind this?

B: I’m on to this year.

M: I just want to know your thoughts on the criticism you received for having blue Christmas lights this year.

B: I’m on to this year.

M: Okay, Christmas lights are a touchy subject, got it. Bill, are you aware of the “Um Rum” drinking game where participants watch one of your press conferences and do a shot every time you say “um?”

B: No, I wasn’t aware of that.

M: Eh, don’t worry about it. After a while they’re not aware of it either. Ok, what was your dream job growing up?

B: A mannequin, next question.

M: Despite NASA reporting that they had the least favorable viewing of Haley’s Comet in 1986, did you enjoy getting to be around to see that take place?

B: Ummm, I missed it. I was busy with football stuff. I gotta do a better job of keeping track of when that is. Look it up in the morning, afternoon and evening. I’ll catch the next one.

M: It’s not estimated to return until July of 2061.

B: Yeah? So?

M: That would make you 109 years old.

B: Yep.

M: Alright, well your genes work better than your headsets, am I right? (nervous laughter)

B: (death stare) we good here?

M: Really? That’s how you want to end this? You could’ve gone with bye, good bye, ba-bye, thanks or thank you for your time, but instead you say “we good here” hastiness of a child that’s been forced to talk on the phone with his aging grandmother. Disappointing.  

(There’s no word as to whether or not journalists were harmed following the completion of this interview although Tom Brady said that he was “generally aware” of the presence of a roided up Hulk Hogan who was locked in a room with our reporter for a minute or two)