Oh, The Horror!

I think scary movies are pretty lame. Either that or I’m a huge wuss. But seriously, I have a couple of guidelines that would apply to different types of scary movies, but it would also make them a lot shorter and quite a bit more realistic, which clearly isn’t their aim. Rule number one is what I like to call the Celebrity Marriage Approach. This is when a group of ridiculously stupid teenagers agree that splitting up five minutes into the movie at the first sign of trouble is the best course of action. What’s the plan there? Ok, I’ll run in circles in this direction, you go that way and zigzag all over the place in a haphazard manner. And you, hot blond chick that was plastered all over the commercials to pull male viewers in, but you’re only going to be alive for 10 more minutes or so, you run that way in an exaggerated fashion that calls attention to your beautifully shaped figure. No really guys, I think we can tire the dude in the goalie mask out before he can reach us. Alright, on one, on one, break! The victims always just die in some quick gruesome way. Why can’t there be like an emotional last conversation like in the Lord of the Rings when Aragon was kneeling beside Boromir and Aragon is like “You fought bravely and will live on in our hearts in honor.” And Boromir’s like “I’ve never served under such a fine warrior, but since I have you here….ummm you got in the way of like twelve of my kills, screw honor! I told you I had those guys, but no! You just had to keep dancing around just hacking away!

But since in these horror movies it’s just a group of teenagers getting stalked I don’t know what kind of emotional last conversation they would have, but for the sake of this show I have written a climactic death scene of a blockbuster horror film as imagined by Mark Woonton. It gets pretty emotional, so any spots where there is supposed to be crying will be denoted by a [c] so here we go. So it’s just some guy standing over his buddy in a pool of blood like “Dude, in case I die, you’ve got to tell me one thing, remember that time you drove my sister home and you guys were gone for two hours and you said it was because your car broke down? I remember you told me that you had your car inspected that morning, what really happened?”

“Dude, I really think you should…” 

“TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!”

 (Crying) Ok….(c) on that fateful night, I didn’t take your sister to the mechanic {c} I took her to the Olive Garden. I held both her car door and the door to the restaurant open for her and after pulling out her chair so that she could sit down, I got her the fettuccine alfraedo. After paying for the meal, we stopped at Friendly’s and split a Mint Cookie Crunch sundae {c} and when I went to drop her off {c} she opened the car door, turned to me and said {c} if you ever tell my brother about this I’ll kill you. (uncontrollable sobbing. Sniffle) Well, I think I hear someone coming and since no one in this quiet little neighborhood has come out to complain about the first 87 gunshots, I’m going to assume it’s that guy that wants us dead. Peace! 

And the victims are always the dumbest people too. You’ll never see a horror moving set to take place in a Harvard University dorm room. A kid bursts into his room and goes “Dude, creepy guy in a paintball mask and winter jacket in the hall with a machete, we gotta go!” And his Asian roommate is like…..Ok, so I don’t know what would be more disrespectful here, me trying and butchering the Vietnamese accent or me not even giving it a shot? I’m pretty sure me just trying to rationalize my way out of that was worse than either of those. Anyway, while he’s freaking’ out his roommate would just be like “Nah dude, it’s cool, I fashioned a bazooka out of coat hangers and fire crackers, we’re good.” And my rule on  the movie with the lost travelers coming up to the creepy house is spend the night sleeping outside the Wal-Mart in town with all of the other homeless people and if the house looks less creepy in the morning once its finally stopped raining, which it never will! It’s always raining every night in those movies. Like what, do those people live in a rural area of the desert? But if the house looks good in the morning, then go ask for directions.