Seven Ways To Avoid Having A Girlfriend

I recently heard from a friend of mine that I used to go to school with that she had tried to set me up with one of her friends, but I ended up leaving the school and her friend decided to become a nun….yeah, so that didn’t work out at all. Ladies, I’m sick of the whole “Sorry, I’m becoming a nun” excuse. That’s right up there with “My dog ate my ability to be in a committed relationship.” A list soon followed from the girls entitled “Ways to avoid liking guys” Now, I can admit that I’m a sucker for a good, sarcastic nonsensical list, so here it is:
                                 
Seven Ways To Avoid Having A Girlfriend
 
1. Assume every girl you talk to has a vascular boyfriend that could break you in half for so much as thinking about looking in her general direction
2. When having a conversation with a girl, reference American Civil War facts as often as possible 
Girl: "Like, Oh my gosh! This purse cost me like $5,000!"
Me: "5,000 huh? Do you know that that number is equivalent to less than 10% of the total casualties that resulted from the three days of fighting at Gettysburg?"
 3. Become a priest
4. Make a really odd lists filled with sarcastic comments and post them in a public place, this will lead her to believe you can’t be taken seriously
5. Word questions that are supposed to be positively observant like “Is that a new haircut?” in an overtly negative way such as  “What happened to your head?”
6. If a story she is telling is dragging on, put on your best deep sportscaster voice and say “OOOONNNEEE MINUTE REMAINING IN THE STORY!”
7. Drive a 1997 Honda CRV which, given the combination of its age and your lack of mechanical skills, has essentially turned into a Mobile House of Horrors in both the rickety noises it makes at every turn or incline and the occasional screaming girl inside
8. Mislead her by stating something, whether it be at the beginning of a relationship or the top of a page, to set seemingly clear expectations at first, but then totally don’t stick to that, this will undermine your sense of reliability in her mind

Enjoy your microwavable pizza and Braveheart/Saving Private Ryan double-feature!