The Mark-Woonton Dictionary

 I have seen buildings, bricks, benches, streets and parks named for people. If I were being honest with myself, if something were named for me it would probably be a 40-point font dictionary where every definition starts with the phrase "It's kind of like this thing where...." Just statements that are incredibly vague and unnecessarily wordy and while somewhat entertaining, ultimately unhelpful. You have heard of the Merriam-Webster. However, this summer, get ready for the Mark Woonton dictionary.

Lost in Translation

 If you are ever wondering what happened to the Starbucks Barista who never spelled your name right, they probably moved on to write voicemail transcripts. From the folks who brought me "Mack", "Max" and "Matt." Watch as "Hey Mark, Tyler." Becomes "Hey Margaret, Skyler." For the record, Skyler and I had a great evening of "girl time." 

The Fabric of the Cosmos

 Hidden talents are a funny thing, because someone doesn't know that they have them until they are put in a certain situation or until someone else points it out. I don't mean to brag but given the amount of time I spent untangling video game controllers and headphone cords as a child, given the similar muscle movement, I feel as though it is only a matter of time before I bring home a national championship in knitting (if there is such a thing.) In fairness, out of habit I may get five minutes in and then throw it across the room screaming "I JUST WANT TO PLAY MARIOKART!!"

Aged and Confused

 I felt old in 2018 when I saw that seniors graduating high school were born in the 2000s. I feel old when I hear words like "situationship" and have to Google what it means. However, nothing will make me feel older than receiving the two checks from a restaurant and seeing the one that says, "merchant copy." There is always this split-second where I am like "Did I pull up to this place in a longboat wearing a toga and sandals and am I about to pay for this with coins that have Julius Ceasar's profile on them?" I would not bash this without offering an alternative so places could just say "store copy, customer copy" "our copy, your copy." If it's a Harry Potter themed restaurant the patron's copy would say "“Your devotion is nothing more than cowardice. You would not be here if you had anywhere else to go” and the restaurants copy would say "I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been burned — or worse, fired." At a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant the establishment's copy would say "For Frodo" and the customers copy would say "Mine. My own. My precious."

Taking Inventory

 After running on the treadmill, the screen was like "Do you want to share your workout on Facebook?" I was like "Ummm, no I would not." (Although I kind of just did 😏) However, I would be open to sharing that information as long as I was also asked if I wanted to share the stats of my use of other household appliances on Facebook. Imagine stuff popping up on your timeline like "This week Mark averaged vacuuming 2 1/2 carpeted rooms before realizing he had the vacuum set to "hardwood" the entire time." This week, items put in the toaster included 1 1/2 bagels, 4 waffles, 2 pancakes and one timid tenedor to dislodge a charred toaster strudel from 2001. The lint trap averaged "one life-size Chewbacca" in weight before I emptied it. Lastly, for the umpteenth week in a row your Top 3 "Badly Blurted Out Bathroom Bangers" were : 

3. Billy Joel - Piano Man 

2. Cedric Neal and Olly Dobson - It's Only a Matter of Time 

1. Patrick Mayberry - Lead on Good Shepherd

What's Your Slogan

 I was walking through a store a few days ago and their phone rang, and a cashier answered with the energy and enthusiasm of Ben Stein at an all-nighter in Lubbock, Texas. The employee proceeded to say the company slogan that was something to the effect of "Hello, this is ecstatic artistry where we are amped up to empower artists." The words and tone just did not match at all. I know we are all entitled to "off days" and this got me thinking, I wish everyone had to answer their phone with a "slogan" of sorts. Something that says "Hey, you've reached me and here is everything you need to know about my personality, values and overall essence." Unfortunately, given my infamously poor memory, the fact that most of the people who attempt to get in touch with me are already in my contact list and that ever so brief window of time between when I look at my phone and put it to my ear, my slogan would probably be "Hi, this is Mark. May I ask who is calling?"

What would your slogan be? (Let it go to voicemail??

Squalleyball

 If any adults in Education are feeling inept about their ability to connect with their students, listen up! If any parent feels out of the loop in furthering their relationship with their child, read on for a comforting confession of conflict-resolution that will most likely leave one saying "Hey, at least I have not done THAT!" 

At youth group we were playing nine square which is like a hybrid between four square and volleyball, because there are over double the number of squares and the ball is hit up through the squares instead of down. The makers of the game rejected the initial name of Squalleyball because of the number of inebriated boat captains and peg-legged pirates that showed up to the initial match given a misinterpretation of the names meaning. While I was not personally involved in the marketing of the game, based on my experience I can only imagine their slogan is something like "Hey, are you too short for basketball, but would still like to experience all of the fun of a torn ACL that comes from landing wrong after going up for a rebound?? Have we got a game for you!" I know us vertically challenged people like to say things like "I'm not short, I'm fun sized" and "God only builds people until they are perfect." Personally, I have never gotten "dunked" on in nine square and recounted the event to my friends as "fun" and I highly doubt that God is watching "Spiritual Sportscenter" sees me get spiked in the face and thinks "Perfect! Just the way I drew it up!"  So, one afternoon I am waiting in line talking to one of the senior high students about his plans after high school. He says "I am joining the marines." After sifting through my cerebellum and finding a similar subject to keep the conversation going I selected and said out loud "Oh, I watched the Army vs Navy football game this weekend." I thought, he mentioned a branch of the military and I mentioned two, so, if anything I am "up" 2-1. I then patiently waited for him to return the volley of the vibration of vocal cords. He looked at me blankly as if to say "I told you I am going to serve my country and you responded by telling me someone served you pizza....." and I thought "YES! Another similarity." So again, to anyone reading this, you may feel "uncool" or "out of touch" take some confidence and comfort from knowing that you have not done that.