Naked Guns

There is a topic that i feel needs to be addressed and I hope to offer new insights into this problem. The issue is the casual attitude towards long periods of nudity in the local gym locker room. Two days ago, I was rounding the corner of the Men's locker room with not but a care, but to my absolute shock, a naked old man was standing right there (Poetic Bonus!) and why is it always an old guy? Not that I would like it if it were Channing Tatum or Taylor Lautner or something, but why are the worst nude offenders always like 642 years old.  Listen, I appreciate you preserving our freedom in the War of 1812 as much as the next guy, but please put some clothes on! Mankind had its unrestricted nudity privileges removed for eating an apple and so long as places like the Cheesecake Factory stay in business, I say we count the ability to cover up a bit as a win. I think that gym members should be required to wear a censor on their pants attached at the hip that beeps anytime the pants leave the hipbone. This would do two things. Firstly, it would alert anyone near to you that you are naked and secondly, it would prevent gang members from bulking up at local gyms. Allow me to explain. Historically, gang members have struggled in three areas: 1. passing the 9^th grade 2.  Not ending a sentence with the phrase “you know what I’m sayin’?” and keeping their pants securely fastened to their hips.  

There! The gym is now safer and you get to keep your lunch down, you’re welcome!

In Entertainment News

DVD releases announced

A Rocky box-set is being released completely in Spanish which the New York Times hails as "much easier to understand than the originals"

Sybil 2: Sybil Goes To Prom (where in order to accommodate her rapidly changing personality, Sybil proactively goes to prom with 16 different young men causing nasty rumors about her dating habits to surface and ultimately force her to change schools)

Titanic 2: Rose's Bud (Jack Dawson gets hold of an old toboggan while stranded in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean after the cruise ship he was on sinks and he is left to die. He makes it to land and seeks revenge)

My 600 Pound Life Season 4 now available in extra wide screen

How It's Made: Viagra (The Extended Edition) see all of the stuff you didn't (want to) see on television

Marley & Me now available in extreme Blu-ray (shows Marley being euthanized and then cuts to the scene in Bambi when his mom dies and then rolls the opening credits to Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

A Twilight collection (including movies 1, 3 and 5 that features commentary from Leah Remini filling you in on the plot points from the other two movies that may cause something you are seeing to not make complete sense)

The Life And Times Of Bruce Jenner (now available with an alternate ending)

Skipping both a theatrical and DVD release, John Carter 2: John Carter Must Die (now available following its Straight To Trashcan release)

Steve Harvey's 2007 wedding video starring Marjorie Bridges (He accidentally grabs her fathers' hand as he is bringing her to the altar and during the vows he repeatedly refers to her as "margarine")

and on a slightly more personal note, I just got word that all of my baby tapes were recently made into DVDs so that as technological advances are made, my parents can remain steadfast in their quest to humiliate me

First World Anxiety

First World Anxiety: Those fridges that beep if you leave the door open too long.

It’s like the writers for Mission Impossible called up the people responsible for that show My 600 Pound Life and said “Hey man, you busy? No? Cool, wanna invent a product?”

“You have ten seconds to locate the waffles and connect them to the toaster, your waistline will explode in 5 seconds…..”

And I think it really speaks to the lack of talent in this country that the only requirements to get your own show are:

1.       Be insanely large

2.       Have an insanely large family

I’d be willing to bet that those ant colony sized family shows are heavily scripted because if they were at all based on what really happens on a daily basis it would just be some irritable kid angrily glaring in to the fridge then leaning back and shouting “WE NEED MILK!”

Winter Solstice Salsa

Parking lot ice: Making white people dance since 1934

Stall Tactics

I have never been more defensive in my life than when I walked up to a store owner and tried to calmly explain that all 3 stalls in the bathroom were clogged while also making it explicitly clear that I simply walked in to the situation and had nothing to do with it. I ended up sounding like an ironically less potty mouthed version of that rapper, Shaggy, as I tried to explain the situation:

“There was poo-poo in the first stall, wasn’t me”

“Mummified Hershey’s in the second stall, wasn’t me”

“I need to go home and shower, wasn’t me”

“You can see it on the cameras, wasn’t me”

Death Perception

In order to compensate for my visual deficits while pulling my car in to the tight fitting garage, we put Styrofoam pool tubes on either edge of the garage door frame and a tennis ball is hanging from the front area so that I don’t give the stairwell going up into the kitchen any unnecessary renovations. When my car’s not in the garage, these helpful tools have essentially turned my side of the garage into what looks like a McDonald’s Play Area. And completely modestly speaking, if you were to head upstairs, you could get some of the best hamburgers in town (and possibly a completely free of charge spontaneous fireworks show, which may or may not feature some language not suitable for children, which I apologize for in advance

First World Twilight Zone Problems

Last night around 5 p.m. I called a pizza place in the area and ordered a Chicken Caesar Wrap. (Judging by the number of times I had to repeat my seemingly simple order) the incompetent pizza receptionist informed me that my order would be ready in a half an hour. We drove over to the address on the flyer and when we approached the door to the place, there was a sign saying that they were closed (and had been since 3 p.m.) I then hit redial on my phone and got a Verizon female robot informing me that the number had been disconnected and that the Great Robot Invasion of Earth had begun and they were personally coming for me next, seeking to avenge all of the household appliances I had hit in frustration over the years. I’d like to close this out by addressing two people: Mom and Pop shop owners who can go from having a half hour wait time to completely out of business in a matter of fifteen minutes, I am truly sorry for the economic hardships you face in this day and age. Secondly, to whichever alternate universe pizza shop my order went to and whoever the alternate universe Mark Woonton is who got to enjoy MY wrap: I will find you and I will kill you.