Chivalry is Dead.......And So Am I

I hate the dudes in movies that are like "Babe, I'll never let anything happen to you." Cuz either the girl or the guy always end up dying. So I make it a point to be truthful and realistic with my date. Here are a few things you can expect Mark Woonton to say during or after a date:
1. "I just wanted to let you know in case we get mugged in this Chilis parking lot at 2 p.m. in this bad area of New Hampshire, when I was in high school I ran a 5:36 mile so you better be at 5:35 or under if you expect me to keep an eye on you during the getaway."
2. "So um, not to address the elephant in the room, but how long have you had a moustache? Oh, don't cry. Its cute. You kind of look like Gimli from Lord Of The Rings, no one will bother us now."
3. "I'm sorry, but that man with the gun in the ski mask is going to have to take your purse. I have a 3 nice things per date limit. And as I recall I held the door, pulled out your chair for you and paid for the whole shabang. Plus, it took a lot of courage for this man to come out here wearing a ski mask in May, he deserves the purse." 4. (at the end of the meal when she goes to say bye) "You had the fish for dinner, right? And two pieces of garlic bread? I'm going to have to take a rain check on the goodnight kiss." 5. (I'm holding a stop watch) "Annnddd time, yeah it's been 5 minutes so that's enough of that Dance Moms stuff. So anyway, my fantasy football team has a tough week coming up...." Now that all of that's out in the open, any ladies available for lunch this week?"

Wasp War One

I haven’t gotten stung by a wasp since I was like 6 when I was playing with a toy gorilla in my family room and since I had no other weapon, I smashed the wasp with the toy gorilla. But yesterday morning I was taking out my trash and I noticed a wasp, I kept an eye on him (or her. Yeah, I’m pretty sure the wasp was a she cuz I could faintly hear the wasp buzzing along to Love Story) as I threw out my trash. But little did I know, the wasp must have been rehearsing this maneuver for months because this was just a decoy wasp, while I kept my eye on that wasp, a second wasp in the dumpster began constructing a large wooden horse and climbed up insi…...sorry, wrong story. Anyway, the second wasp executed a stealthy barrel roll (at least that’s what I imagined it doing) and flew right into my shirt. It remained still there due to my (optimist) glorious six pack (pessimist) odor of not showering in two days. So right as I crossed into my room I felt a sensation that was as close to pain as someone such as myself who doesn’t feel pain could feel in my upper chest. I grabbed at my shirt and the wasp flew out onto my desk. Sadly, I did not have a large toy gorilla. But I did have an insanely large Philosophy textbook. And by the power vested in myself, Aristotle, Plato and Confucius, ended the wasps’ life. And because I got so caught up in the moment I glared angrily at the wasps’ dead body and yelled “FREEEEEEDOM!” Which in hindsight, made no sense at all given my particular set of circumstances. Let this be a message to all wasps that you have woken a sleeping giant. Prepare to have the fight brought to your dumpsterstep.

Parmesan Cheese

Well, back from the Cayman Islands. Among the items to come back with us were some shells, a few souvenir T-shirts and several unused food items. Among these remaining food stuffs is a bottle of parmesan cheese. Now, to say that this is just a bottle of parmesan cheese is to say that a sumo wrestler is a regulation sized man. I know this to be true for several reasons:

1.       Following the serving size in the bottom left hand corner of the label, there are four exclamation points

2.       At the conclusion of this weeks’ address to the nation, which centered on the importance of childhood education, Obama also stated that if anything should happen to the torch held by the Statue of Liberty on Ellis Island, this particular bottle of parmesan cheese would serve as a viable replacement  

3.       On the bottle where it says Ingredients, instead of listing out the contents, it’s just a paragraph about how the food company put this together as a joke and that you, as a supposedly conscious consumer, should strongly reevaluate the difference between “needs” and “wants” in your life

My family has implemented the following strategy in an attempt to deplete the excessive amount of parmesan cheese we now possess

Breakfast: Cereal and milk topped with parmesan cheese

Lunch: Peanut Butter & Jelly and parmesan cheese sandwich (I’m looking for suggests as to what to call this creation because my thoughts are that there will be great confusion and concern as to the ingredients of a PCPB & J sandwich)

Dinner:  Pasta with meatballs and parmesan cheese

Dessert: Ice cream topped with parmesan cheese

Another thought that I’ve had is to do a Flat Stanley sort of thing, get this bottle traveling around the world and have people journal about their experiences with it:

“Here’s Parchy and I at Niagara Falls”

“Here’s Parchy and I trekking through the Amazon”

“Here’s Parchy and I being detained in Venice because apparently they get super uptight about people bringing in outside parmesan cheese”

Anyway, if this sounds like something you’d like to get in on, please email me what role parmesan cheese has played in your life along with your credit card information, Social Security number and I’d really appreciate an attached video of the Butt Fumble, and we can get this thing going

Wrong Number

When you get a call from a number you don't recognize, but you pick up anyway and the person on the other end is like "Hello, is this (insert name not commonly associated with the ethnicity, generation or gender you belong to) and you're like "no" and they apologize because apparently the person they are trying to get in contact with is just the coolest kid on the block and they feel sorry for the fact that you don't happen to be this awesome individual. So you hang up and 5 seconds later your phone rings again showing an incoming call......from the same number

If anyone has a quick French tutorial for dummies, I have to be Elisa, the spoiled rich exchange student from Limoges and heiress to the French Fry fortune in two minutes and tell this guy off

Angry Angry Violent Turtle

Yesterday morning while on my run i noticed a turtle standing still right in the middle of the road, i picked little Leonardo up and walked toward the side of the road.Just then i heard the voice of an old man come out of the turtle shouting "NO! NO! PUT ME DOWN, I WANNA DO IT! IT'S TOO HOT AND THIS SHELL IS TOO HEAVY! (I may have cleaned up his language a little bit) I brought him over to the side of the road and ran several strides away and turned in hopes to catch a glimpse of him majestically retreating to his habitat only to see him back in the center of the road angrily staring down the approaching SUV as he mumbled "c'mon hit me! Do it!" Please be praying for the turtles as they struggle through this tough time of year

Happy Valentines Day, Mate

Being single on Valentines Day is kinda like being British on the 4th of July cuz you know you're missing out on something somewhere but it doesn't matter because you know you have a classier, sexier voice than everyone else

Super Game, Even Spectacular Commercial

Super Bowl Sunday: The only day of the year when you "hold it" during the commercials and wait until the games back on to go to the bathroom