Organized Dine

 My world is absolutely shattered. 

(Don't worry, it's fine.) 

I went out for coffee with a few friends this morning. After placing the order, we sat down at our table. Seated across the establishment from us was a young lady sitting and eating a breakfast by herself. No judgement, it just catches the eye like someone bowling by themselves or seeing someone on a single side of a seesaw. My friends and I sipped our coffees and enjoyed conversation. After some time, she cleared her plate, wiped her table and threw out her trash. She then returned to the table and not a moment after keister had hit cushion some oblivious beast approached her, and they shared a tender embrace and took a seat at either side of the table. After leafing through the menu, he ordered his breakfast burrito wrapped in a waffle with Cinnamon Toast Crunch sprinkled on it and she got a friggin' fruit bowl and a water! I have seen behind the scenes movie footage; I saw the broadcast as a newscaster and cameraperson brought us through El Chapo's elaborate escape tunnels. I know that certain shipping companies in the upper hemisphere are not run the way I thought they were. Nothing has blown my mind more and I will never look at life the same after this! I wanted to run over and be like "Don't do it, bro! She is lying to you!" Ladies, I don't want you to "fix it", I just wanted to feel heard, and I appreciate you allowing me that space. Gents, the reason she takes forever to get ready for that reservation for two at 6 is because she has to get back home from a reservation for one at 4.

While this goes against every instinct in my "comedic corpse" I would like to state for the record that how I actually feel about this is that it is a shame that we live in a society where pressures have caused 50% of the population to feel the need to disguise the basic human demand of food consumption. 

The Mark-Woonton Dictionary

 I have seen buildings, bricks, benches, streets and parks named for people. If I were being honest with myself, if something were named for me it would probably be a 40-point font dictionary where every definition starts with the phrase "It's kind of like this thing where...." Just statements that are incredibly vague and unnecessarily wordy and while somewhat entertaining, ultimately unhelpful. You have heard of the Merriam-Webster. However, this summer, get ready for the Mark Woonton dictionary.

Lost in Translation

 If you are ever wondering what happened to the Starbucks Barista who never spelled your name right, they probably moved on to write voicemail transcripts. From the folks who brought me "Mack", "Max" and "Matt." Watch as "Hey Mark, Tyler." Becomes "Hey Margaret, Skyler." For the record, Skyler and I had a great evening of "girl time." 

The Fabric of the Cosmos

 Hidden talents are a funny thing, because someone doesn't know that they have them until they are put in a certain situation or until someone else points it out. I don't mean to brag but given the amount of time I spent untangling video game controllers and headphone cords as a child, given the similar muscle movement, I feel as though it is only a matter of time before I bring home a national championship in knitting (if there is such a thing.) In fairness, out of habit I may get five minutes in and then throw it across the room screaming "I JUST WANT TO PLAY MARIOKART!!"

Aged and Confused

 I felt old in 2018 when I saw that seniors graduating high school were born in the 2000s. I feel old when I hear words like "situationship" and have to Google what it means. However, nothing will make me feel older than receiving the two checks from a restaurant and seeing the one that says, "merchant copy." There is always this split-second where I am like "Did I pull up to this place in a longboat wearing a toga and sandals and am I about to pay for this with coins that have Julius Ceasar's profile on them?" I would not bash this without offering an alternative so places could just say "store copy, customer copy" "our copy, your copy." If it's a Harry Potter themed restaurant the patron's copy would say "“Your devotion is nothing more than cowardice. You would not be here if you had anywhere else to go” and the restaurants copy would say "I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been burned — or worse, fired." At a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant the establishment's copy would say "For Frodo" and the customers copy would say "Mine. My own. My precious."

Taking Inventory

 After running on the treadmill, the screen was like "Do you want to share your workout on Facebook?" I was like "Ummm, no I would not." (Although I kind of just did 😏) However, I would be open to sharing that information as long as I was also asked if I wanted to share the stats of my use of other household appliances on Facebook. Imagine stuff popping up on your timeline like "This week Mark averaged vacuuming 2 1/2 carpeted rooms before realizing he had the vacuum set to "hardwood" the entire time." This week, items put in the toaster included 1 1/2 bagels, 4 waffles, 2 pancakes and one timid tenedor to dislodge a charred toaster strudel from 2001. The lint trap averaged "one life-size Chewbacca" in weight before I emptied it. Lastly, for the umpteenth week in a row your Top 3 "Badly Blurted Out Bathroom Bangers" were : 

3. Billy Joel - Piano Man 

2. Cedric Neal and Olly Dobson - It's Only a Matter of Time 

1. Patrick Mayberry - Lead on Good Shepherd

What's Your Slogan

 I was walking through a store a few days ago and their phone rang, and a cashier answered with the energy and enthusiasm of Ben Stein at an all-nighter in Lubbock, Texas. The employee proceeded to say the company slogan that was something to the effect of "Hello, this is ecstatic artistry where we are amped up to empower artists." The words and tone just did not match at all. I know we are all entitled to "off days" and this got me thinking, I wish everyone had to answer their phone with a "slogan" of sorts. Something that says "Hey, you've reached me and here is everything you need to know about my personality, values and overall essence." Unfortunately, given my infamously poor memory, the fact that most of the people who attempt to get in touch with me are already in my contact list and that ever so brief window of time between when I look at my phone and put it to my ear, my slogan would probably be "Hi, this is Mark. May I ask who is calling?"

What would your slogan be? (Let it go to voicemail??