Isolated Incident

Quarantine Journal Day eleventeen bajillion and four: I have begun to notice void, empty space on my walls and become more cognizant and opinionated about the layout of my furniture and my thoughts have spun out of control and now seem to be things like “A picture would look nice over here.” And “What if I angled this couch this way?” With my home gym, I was really hoping to come out of quarantine looking like an inside linebacker, but with each passing day I fear I may very well leave this life experience pursuing a career in interior design. Dear Lord, please end this now!

Sleeping Streep

I would never claim to have the look or dramatic chops of an “A list” actor and I am probably more of a “Me list” actor, there is one scene in life where I seem to excel (Unnecessary explanation time and a horrifying glimpse inside the mind of Mark Woonton, the last word in the epilogue of the “ABC” song is “me” so if “A list” actors are the best and “t” equals 4 then we can conclude that “me list” actors are in fact the bottom of the barrel. Everyone onboard? Oh, you understand this whole time and I sound like a pompous, arrogant numbskull? My bad 😢.) If my phones ringing wakes me up and the person on the other end goes “Did I wake you up?” I think it is socially accepted that one lies in this situation. Even though it is tough to disguise, I have to be like “No, my voice always sounds like the Winter Warlock and Frankenstein had a child together. Come on, you know that my vocal cords are made out of both the leftover wood from a haunted house door and a medieval drawbridge.” I have been pretty convincing every time, so either the other person is like “okay, this kid is a lying piece of garbage, but I have things to do so I’ll keep it moving” or I am on point at all times and one dang fine dramatic actor. 😀

Wild, Wild Aisle

At the grocery store a guy came up behind me in a cowboy hat with a bandana over his mouth and I honestly thought I was going to be the victim of a Market Basket burglary from Butch Cartsidy and the SunChips Kid. So I froze in place, looked as helpless as I could (which is not very hard for me 🤓) and exclaimed “Oh my heavens.” He glanced at the contents of my cart, which was lined with Caesar kit salads and then gave me a look that said “You strike me as the kind of person who does math problems in his free time for fun” and he moved on. Let that be a lesson, always ALWAYS conceal any alcohol and tobacco products in your cart with a few decoy salads that you are just going to hand to the cashier at checkout. It just might save your life.