Hip Hop Hypnosis

I have never given much validity to the power of hypnosis.

Yesterday I was at the store making a $12 purchase and I handed the cashier a $20. In return, she gave me a $5 and three $1s. As she gave me the change she rhythmically counted out “5, 6, 7, 8.” Totally involuntarily, I began to bust a move right there in the checkout aisle. Could I just been excited about actually having money in my hand? Sure. Could I have spent years of my life unknowingly under hypnosis and this was my trigger phrase? Absolutely. Am I just some kinda weirdo? We may never know. And if you should happen to have an opinion on the matter, in the words of Chester Phillips from Captain America “Now would be the perfect time to keep it to yourself.”

Roaring 20s

My 20s have been a very confusing time.

Yesterday after I got home, I got a workout in, swept my garage, made my dinner, got myself set up for the next day and did a word search. Each word search has a theme and this one was "U.S. Presidents." Now, I found that the most efficient way to go about completing a POTUS themed word search is checking that outer square, because typically they will throw a few words out there. Then, you look for the "oddball" letters that kind of stick out, like your "W's" "X's" and "Y's" (This eliminates Wilson, Tyler, Taylor, Eisenhower, Nixon and Kennedy.) After that, "double letters" have a tendency to pop off the page and finding these gets rid of Jefferson, Harrison, Fillmore, Coolidge, Hoover and both Roosevelts. Next, I would suggest you look for certain suffixes like a vowel followed by the letter "n" as this combination seems to lead you straight to commander in chiefs like Washington, Jackson, Van Buren and Buchanan. The suffix –ing sticks out which makes President Harding an ironically easy find. I finished the word search and went to bed.

The next day at work I was lifting a bunch of trays and someone who witnessed and can verify this went “Geez you’re kind of ripped.” Now, while I was in school the only time I heard the word ripped was because an article of clothing got caught in the bleachers and began to tear when I jumped down so my initial reaction was a panicked once-over to make sure everything was OK. My next thought was “DO NOT OBJECTIFY ME! I AM A HUMAN BEING WITH A BIG, BEAUTIFUL BRAIN, GOSH DARNIT!”

And I think it says something that my reaction to that was mistrust and concern. I’m also totally aware that in your heart of hearts you knew that word searches were the kind of anarchic activity going down at the Woonton household on a nightly basis. I am glad that Superman pops up every now and then, but I think I am much more comfortable as Clark Kent.

The End is Near!

I don’t mean to be one of those doomsday “the end is near” kind of people, but two signs that humanity is drawing to a close have to be people watching videos of people playing video games and this website I heard about this morning called “Fake a vacation.com” because not wanting to go through the arduous task of playing video games or taking a vacation is laziness on another level. And what the heck happens when people ask about it? I have a tough enough time remember what actually happened and now I have to patch together this picture of paradise when I’m asked about my aptly named Facebook folder “Lying in St. Lucia.”

The Adventures of Don T. Dye

Yesterday I watched a documentary about free solo climbing which is when someone takes like 5 shots of tequila, gets on a unicycle with a few bowling pins and juggles their way up a 90 degree angled smooth slab of granite that someone has taken a fireman’s hose and a sander to. I am over the absence of athleticism in my life and no longer get angry watching football or basketball thinking “that could have been me! Climbing is something I felt was attainable until last night. As I went up to bed afterwards I was HEAVILY dependent on the handrail and making very labored progress up the stairs.

A journal entry from inept explorer, Don T. Dye:

Day 11 on The Stairwell and my coffee has worn off and my electricity bill is due next week so I have to move quickly if I want to make it to The Slumber Rock in time

Lovestruck

I had to go get some lab work today. And that is just a soft way of saying I needed to get blood drawn, but the former terminology gets people like me to wander into the doctors office like “What are we doing, a baking soda volcano?!” So instead of handing the desk my insurance card, I handed them a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card out of my wallet and as the girl was bringing me back to the torture chamber we had a good laugh about that because if someone is going to be sticking me with a needle I like to try to talk them out of it or at least get on their good side. The girl was around my age so we are chatting about getting kicked off our parents insurance and Toys R Us closing down. We go back there and I handle the whole thing like a big boy and she’s labeling a vile as I hop off the seat and she goes “Uh oh, you’re going to hate me.” I said “I understand it’s your job to stab me, it’s not your fault.” And she says “I put the sample in the wrong color vile so we have to do it again.” Because apparently blue is for Smurfs and members of Eiffel 65, purple is for dinosaurs and Prince fans and red is for Taylor Swift and Bruce Willis. So she fills up the second vile and we continue talking and I don’t know if it was the result of a loss of blood or falling in love, but I start getting lightheaded. So she’s apologizing profusely and as I leave I had a thought that can only be classified as unwarranted arrogance or straight up stupidity that no one should ever have about someone who has unnecessarily stabbed them twice  ....”Should I have asked her out?”

Dive Bar Exam

Whenever I go out to eat, I can scour the menu for 20 minutes like I’m cramming for the dive bar exam and have my sides and main course memorized and I’m ready to articulate exactly how I want everything cooked, but apparently I had a hunger hypnosis placed on me as a child and the trigger phrase is “and for you.....” because I instantly turn into Patrick Star in line at the Krusty Krab like “Ummmmmm.” Thank goodness the test is always open book

New Years Resignation

January 1st: Statistically speaking this is going to be the busiest day of the year at your local gym, so do your part to thin the herd just a little bit and make the lives of the exercise enthusiast employees a little easier. Don’t be a part of that First Quarter spike that crowds up the CrossFit class! While people are piling into Planet Fitness, park yourself at P F Chang’s Chinese buffet! Why worry the staff at Workout World with a whirlwind of wannabes when you can work your way to the front of the line at Wendy’s in a matter of seconds! And thousands of meatheaded Midases will be headed to Gold’s Gym this morning,  leaving the gateway to Golden Corral wide open!

Happy New Year everyone!