Endangered Christmas List

"What would you like for Christmas?"

The only question that freaks me out more is "Will that be for here or to go?" because I'm always thinking "Well, I'd like to leave eventually."

The Christmas question separates the population into two distinct groups. The first has a neat little list of the items they want organized and alphabetized on an Excel spreadsheet with pictures, prices and articles from Consumer Reports to supply Santa with the peace of mind that he is getting this person exactly what they want for the holidays. Although coal is not a sought-after item from the guy whose got a beard that's long and white and does not spend his time fighting orcs or helping midgets sneak onto other peoples' property, now that I live on my own, coal could go a long way in heating the house. Unfortunately, the kind of stuff that lands you on the naughty list as a kid are things like not responding to your parents after they call you the first time and remembering to make your bed. As an adult, I'd venture to guess that in order to get on the naughty list you'd have to commit tax fraud or be involved with money laundering and in that case the only people showing up at your house in suits are lawyers.

The second group of people who inhabit the holiday season are the people who have no idea what they want because they are not a bunch of needy, materialistic penny-pinchers and are perfectly content with what they have, or maybe they just don't want to put the thought into it, who knows? I, myself fall into this latter group mainly because I don't play video games and the gifts I'd like now are classified more as "essentials" than exciting. I'm really only aware of my need for something when it's an absolute necessity and I run out of it.

The downside to my docile demeanor is that I am incredibly difficult to shop for because I answer the Christmas question the same way a younger brother responds to being asked why he set all of his sister's dolls on fire.......a shrug and an unenthusiastic "I don't know."

One Christmas, my dad had finally had it with my passivity and said "WHAT DO YOU WANT??!! A PET??!!"

Joking around, I said "Yes oh caring and accommodating father of mine, I'd like a pet rhino."

Without missing a beat he asked "male or female?"

I actually thought about it and figured that female rhinos are probably much neater and more organized than their raging and rampaging male counterparts so I said "Female."

Christmas came and went that year and I had been denied my singular desire. So I asked, "Why didn't I get the rhino?"

My dad said "I didn't know if you wanted a baby or a full-grown, adult rhino."

Again, I thought about for an unreasonable amount of time for a question that had more comedic value than anything else. I figured while baby rhinos probably poop more often, cleanup would be easier than cleaning up after a fully-grown rhino whose poops are probably my size, so I said "Baby. I'd like a female baby rhino."

This joke has gone on for years now and recently my dad had told that there was some department store selling a replica of a rhino. The store manager wanted some absurd amount of money for an item that was obviously never going to sell and while my dad had managed to talk him down several hundred dollars, he couldn't get the price down to something worth spending on what would ultimately be a gag gift. I feel saddened by the realization that my one demand of December will never be met, but the thought of a man standing in the middle of a Marshall's, haggling with a manger over the price of a 3'x5' replica of a rhino is nearly enough to alleviate the anxiety of elves everywhere and strike this from my Christmas list for good.