Word Play

Because you know I'm all about that bass, bout that bass, no salmon.

Did you have to go through that twice? I'll bet you did. It's tough to live in a world where unless we are there live in person we have to read something twice or have it read to us. How can we lead the next generation when the rules of grammar are not written in stone but in ever changing lead. Rules change with the wind causing people to wind their way through weird word choices. I was fine in preschool learning words like "that" and "the" but my grades dove into deep water once I tried to grasp the "ch" or "ph" and had me drowning in the laws of language sending out a dove in search of dry land. I can't tell you how many English assignments brought a tear to my eye or got me so frustrated I wanted to tear them up. My point being that the English language is confusing and maybe if we all spoke Polish we could polish up our sentence structure. For the record, I don't speak Polish and since I am an auditory learner I'd probably need someone to record themselves speaking Polish so I could pronounce everything correctly. The object of this was to allow people to appreciate the diversity of language and although some may object at having to waste so much time, I believe it is time well spent. I myself am not a perfect linguist and will most likely never perfect the art of articulation, but it is a worthwhile pursuit. The acquisition of knowledge allows us to resume our quest for the kind of accomplishments one would put on a resume. I'm just about ready to bow out of this whole communication thing so to wrap this all up with a pretty bow, I hope the content was enlightening and despite the lengthy read, you are content with what I've written.

Locked Up Abroad: Nerdy and Afraid

I've been called a lot of things in my day: Mark, Mahhhkkk, Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch, Mark Kent, Marcus Clarkus, Marcus Welby (M.D.) Wonton, Wooney Tune, Wootang and my personal favorite that I was given in college, Wuantanamo Bay. However, I'd like to tell you the nickname that brings great dishonor upon myself, my family and for reasons I don't care to get into right now, anyone whose last name ends in a vowel and that name is......criminal.

My story begins the way you would imagine any good crime thriller starts, it was spring break and I was on vacation with the other members of the infamous Woonton crime family. My brother, my dad and myself were returning to the home we had rented after engaging in the one activity that kills more people of Irish ancestry than any other, spending the day at the beach. I walked ahead of them, my memory is a little hazy as to why I did this, it's either because I'm really fast or I had to pee, you pick.

I opened the sliding door and walked into the darkness of the unlit kitchen/living room/bedroom, blinded by the vanilla milkshake induced vertigo, but I noticed two things in my hurried haze:
1. My dad and my brother remained outside the door, looking in at me
2. There was a pack of Marlboro cigarettes on the counter

Listen people, I chewed gum in school, I ran in the hallway, I even described some of the things we were taught in math class as "stupid", but I never smoked a cigarette, mainly because I ran Cross Country and Track and also because no one in my family smoked, people in my family included my brother and dad who stood howling with laughter on the other side of the glass of pain.

To this day, I have no idea whose home I walked into in the middle of the night in the middle of the Caribbean, but based on the little I know about them I can only assume that they are dead. If smoking doesn't kill you, then allowing some directionally challenged dingbat to wonder willy nilly into your home certainly will. So, the next time you see me creepily walking behind you, I'm not being weird, I just most likely have no idea where I'm supposed to be going. I'm just glad that no one woke up in time to call the cops and get me a guest appearance on the next episode of Locked Up Abroad: Nerdy and Afraid, and for that, I am thankful.

A Collection of Phobias and Their Definition

"Only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Well, that and this list of the "Top 10 Phobias" and what they mean

1. Claustrophobia - The fear of seeing Santa Claus dressed as a storm trooper
2. Glossophobia - The fear of being asked to look at and edit a piece of work someone has written
3. Monophobia - The fear that when family game night comes around, someone picks Monopoly and everyone eventually dies of starvation
4. Aquaphobia - The fear of being at a party that has a DJ and living with the knowledge that someone could ask him to throw on "Barbie Girl" at any moment
5. Autophobia - The fear of the mechanic walking towards someone in the waiting area as he gets ready to tell them what's wrong with their car 
6. Globophobia - The fear of being beaten to death with a dodge-ball by by a fitness enthusiast who doesn't bleed his own blood
7. Androphobia - The fear that a cell phone on 1% battery life will die during the frantic quest for a charger
8. Philophobia -  The fear of being at a live concert filming of the Philadelphia Philharmonic and bumping into Phil Collins, Phil Wickham and Phillip Phillips and not having a pen and paper to get their autographs
9. Panophobia - The fear of a husband having to cancel his plans for the duration of this life and all of eternity because his wife said she wanted to stop into either a Panera Bread or Pandora Jewelry place "real quick."
10. Paraskevidekatriaphobia - The fear of not getting up the nerves to ask out that cute girl, Katrina, in time before Kevin invites her to go parasailing on the first date and have the whole thing videoed so they can watch it together on the second date. 

Here's a Tip For Ya

I don't want to sound judgmental, but when I walk into a pizza place you'll have to excuse me for being a little hesitant to put any change from the transaction in a tip jar labeled "Lucas's Kolij Phunt."

Nightmare on Sky View

September 7th was National Acorn Squash Day in the United States. I was unsure as to whether this meant I was to celebrate by eating acorn squash or spend the day squashing acorns. Now that this day has come and gone, the next big day on everyone's calendar is Halloween.
In recent years, some Halloween costumes have gone from be risky to raunchy all the way to repulsively bad in taste. With that in mind, I'd like to share with you the story of a custom-made Halloween costume that put me in a witch's cauldron-worth of hot water.
It was October of 2004 and I was excited because my friend and I had been allowed to go out on our own after agreeing to my parents' declaration of demands. Even more than that I was excited about the potential of profit from my costume. Being October of an election year I dressed in Uncle Sam garb complete with red, white and blue pants, shirt, hat and the beard I will never be able to grow in real life. Instead of a pillowcase, I had a giant box with two slots cut out and a picture of John Kerry and George W. Bush on either side with a divider down the middle on the inside of the box. People would put the candy in the side of whoever they wanted to see win, because the only thing that makes adults feel more comfortable about handing candy out to children they don't know is divulging their beliefs about democracy.

Despite the time I wasted "explaining" my costume, the impact of the up-side to this outfit was immediate as we approached front-yards plastered in political propaganda and I'd say "So you put the candy in the slot you'd like to see win and I'm going to count them up at the end." The person on the other end of the candy bowl would get all wide-eyed as if they thought an excessive amount of Almond Joys had an impact on the outcome of the election (Fun Fact: Almond Joys suck). After emptying out all of the contents he'd be like "Honey, grab the Tic Tacs and gum from my nightstand." Then turn to his kids who had come home early to get to bed "Kids, give the nice man your candy. What he is doing is more important to me than your happiness." Other people on their porch distributing future dental visits just hated the opponent so much they'd be shoveling Shock Tarts at me while muttering something about the foibles of their foes' foreign policy.

Everyone loved the idea and thought it was really out of the box and original. In short, I was absolutely cleaning up. We arrive at one house and an elderly person answers the door. You know, the type of senior citizen who is oftentimes associated new ideas, creativity and ultimately, good old-fashioned fun? I said "So, you put the candy in the slot you want to see win or if you're undecided, just put one in each!" (that is what people in the business world call being a salesman!) He furrows his eyebrows in ferocity, wags a finger at me and shouts "NO! NO POLITICAL STATEMENTS!" and slammed the door. I stood there, dumbfounded. I thought to myself "Excuse me, but I just watched you dole out candy to three Supermen, two Batmen and a Freddy Krueger, do you have any idea how much death, property damage and sleep deprivation those guys are responsible for? But MY costume offends you? OK. He glared at me through the column of windows next to the door and waited until I accepted my fate and did an Airheadsless about face.
So, listen here my Nerds Rope collecting nomads of the night. Go ahead and be crude with your costumes, be crass with your candy collection clothing, but don't you dare, don't you DARE be creative!