Fight or Flight

In honor of the Mayweather vs Mcgregor fight this past weekend, I'd like to share the story of the one fight in school that I was involved in. For the sake of anonymity and me not wanting to get my teeth kicked in, we will just call the other two people involved May and Mac.

It was 6th grade, a year like any other, I was acing all of my classes and looking good in my glasses. Everyone was at their lockers and May had his locker right next to mine and Mac comes over and starts yelling at him because he stole his  girlfriend or his Beyblades or something. I grabbed my books as quickly as I could because my next class was out in the giant microwave oven that the faculty referred to as the portables. Verbal jabs quickly turned to violence and thus began the Pelham Memorial School Punch-Off!

The force from one of Macs' punches sends May staggering backwards right into little old me and my books, my glasses and my sense of dignity go flying. You see, I had perfect attendance up to that point and I wasn't about to allow a couple of pubescent power punchers mess that up. I gathered my books, composed myself and although the odds of me now making it to class on time were slim to none, my fellow classmates encouraged me to beat Father Time and march on with their chanting of "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Should I have been running in the halls? No, but that's just the kind of rebel that I am when the hall monitors have busied themselves with restraining a couple of Wanderlei Silva wannabes.

Two years of sprints on the track and going for runs that were longer and slower distance runs, which our coach felt completely okay with shortening by just telling us to "Go do LSD" allowed me to purposefully and punctually cross the classroom threshold just as the bell rang. Tales of my incredible feat (or feet) had already spread as I overheard two girls from the cheerleading squad saying "Did you see what happened in the hall?"

Hat Trick

Rules, much like a pop stars heart, are meant to be broken.

It may surprise you, but the only disciplinary action I had enforced on me when I was at school were the result of being late several times in a quarter or chewing gum. However, I'd like to share with you what I consider to be the most "gangsta" moment of my time at Pelham High.

Freshman year I had some major brain surgery which left my head looking like Darth Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi and because the stomachs of the student body were about as weak as their SAT scores, I was allowed to wear a hat so that I could look somewhat cooler and everyone else could keep their lunches down.

Unfortunately, the head hunting hall monitors were not made aware of my exemption from the "Lid Law" and ran up to me clearing their throat and touching their head like an asthmatic whack a mole. In response, I got to pull out this nifty little note from my neurosurgeon basically stating "Yo, the back of this kids head is ridiculous! It's best we keep it covered up, capisce"

What did they think? I had some Rice University educated rodent relative of Ratatouille under there feeding me the answers to my social studies test like "The Bay of Pigs invasion took place between April 17th through the 19th of 1961." I'm starting to think that the harsh treatment was mainly because I chose to wear a Detroit Red Wings cap in Bruins Country and for that I have been and will remain 100% unapologetic.

Clocker Docker

This morning at work I invented a new sport! What happens is you go to restock the packets of butter, then drop one and when you go to pick it up you accidentally kick with your foot another 20 yards away. You run up and reach down to grab it only to have your ID badge fall off and onto the floor and send that sailing a solid solar system away. This process of crashing to the ground and kicking continues for about 90 minutes plus the stoppage time of explaining to a confused coworker what it is you are trying to accomplish. 

The name I came up with for this series of unfortunate and unathletic events is Clocker Docker which is a mix of clumsy and soccer and ditzy and soccer with a minor spelling change to make it look better on paper (or on internet?) I am the creator, the founder, the best there ever has been and the best there ever will be. 

Hobo Holiday

Is anyone good/really into making those "Our Family's Year in Review" Christmas cards? Cuz I'm thinking about doing one for myself this year.

Since I live on my own I'm just going to talk about what's been going on with various appliances, gadgets and gizmos in my house.

I found out that putting my stovetop on the same setting that I did in my house growing up when cooking hamburgers is a really efficient way to make hockey pucks.

Or how I didn't change the settings on the toaster from "bagel" to "bread" when I was making a PB&J, so it turned into a bagel.

And lastly, how the amount of change my vacuum finds under the couch routinely gives this particular appliance a higher net worth than its owner.

If anyone is interested in participating in this project please let me know.

Fam, Just Kidding, I love you all dearly and do not wish to be ostracized.

Requiem For A Race

Music has a way of bringing back memories. Maybe it's a graduation song or the first dance at a wedding but music has the awesome ability to make us feel and remember.

I ran cross country and track from middle school until I graduated high school because in the response of fight or flight I knew where my best chances of survival were. Although United Airlines has kinda changed that slogan to more of a cause and effect thing now called Flight and Fight, but we aren't going to get into that.

I remember during the Fall of my senior year, it was the last big Cross Country meet of the season (for those of us not going to the Meet of Champions, because as it turned out, Senioritis can affect ones mastery and motivation in sports as well). There were a bunch of schools at this race and as seemingly hundreds of kids stood at the starting line, I half-expected a war paint wearing William Wallace to step in front of us and deliver some supercharged speech to motivate us. However, as warm-ups and track suits were shed in a massively displeasing scrawny person strip tease, no courageous commander stood out in front of us. Our motivation would have to come from massive speakers along the sidelines of the course that had been blaring Aerosmith, AC/DC and Ozzy Osbourne throughout the previous races.

We stood in shivering, short shorted silence and awaited the starting gun and the song that would send us off. Our ears were met by the sounds of the abrupt and awkward selection of "Build Me Up Buttercup" by The Foundations. Is this a phenomenal piece of music? Absolutely. Are you going to hear this song backing a monumental moment in a sports movie montage? Respectfully, I'd have to say no. I have, still do and will continue to belt the song out anytime I hear it, despite the objections of those around me, but the first thought that pops into my head will forevermore be standing at the Cross Country starting line, cold and confused.

An Anthology of Antiquated Expressions and the Millennial Response

Inventions and creations improve and advance ourselves and our society in many ways. This ever-evolving environment has given way to new modes of transportation, electronics capable of instantaneous information transfers and a immortalized internet image of Boromir from Lord of the Rings gesturing to everyone to tell them exactly how much money I have in my bank account. As the world has changed, there has been a variation and evisceration of the vernacular used in everyday conversation and communication. Here is a list of the top 10 Antiquated Expressions and the Millennial Response

1. Balance a Checkbook - In instance in which an individual extends their laptop or cell phone in midair, firmly grasped with both hands, praying to the gods of Google and Pokemon Go that they don't drop it
2. Dial Tone - The frightful phenomenon in which someone's voice on a cell phone sounds like Liam Neeson posing a threat
3. Ditto - Once used a term of being in agreement or understanding is now simply viewed as one of the most elusive creatures in Pokemon Go, outside of attempting to lure in one of the legendary Pokemon
4. Burn A CD - This expression is used to describe someone who finds an old CD they used to listen to and then realize that they have the whole collection of songs downloaded on their IPod. In order to appease their insatiable appetite for arson, they throw the now pointless pile of poly-carbonate plastic into a fire
5. 411 - This is a phone number people can call for what we will refer to as "First World Emergencies" like if someone's cell phone is about to run out of battery or if anyone didn't like the weeks' episode of "House of Cards" or "Orange is the New Black", they can call this number and have an operator on the other end ready to remedy the situation or just lend an ear to an outrageous alternate ending. This number was used because while these situations still need to be addressed, they are only about half as important as actual emergencies.
6. Pound Sign - When a friend or acquaintance horizontally extends a closed fist, initiating their intention to engage in a greeting known as a "fist bump" or "pound."
7.   Roll Up a Car Window - This is for when a group of mischievous Millennials choose to cover the car of a close friend or distant enemy in an even layer of toilet paper. An essential element of this undercover operation is too completely coat the windows of the vehicle in Cottonelle so that bath tissue barrier does not allow the victim of this automobile assault to see the dead bird or squirrel that has been laid to rest on the backseat.
8. Fax - Things universally accepted as truth. 
9. TV Guide - That person who hogs the clicker or remote or whatever everyone prefers to call and is a dictator of the direction digital entertainment, forcing family members and friends who are not in agreement on the selected show to watch what they want on one of the other three TVs in the house or on a high-tech handheld device. 
10. Billow - A soft, triple fiber, handcrafted, specially formulated, flexible, dual-use, organically grown pillow containing no GMOs, added sugars or artificial flavors, used at the work desk that has magical medicinal powers when it comes in contact with a bad back or bunions on the feet. Pick up a Billow today!