Top 10 Reasons People Didn't Smile in Pictures

Nowadays, people will more often than not judge the quality of family photo by how good it is that they look in it. Everyone else in the picture could look Red Carpet ready and happy to be able to capture the gift in their life that the present moment has proven to be. However, if someone feels as though they seem to resemble an MMA fighter in a post-fight press conference following a losing effort, the foreground, the background and the entirety of that picture is now something to be thrown in the electronic or literal trash. I like something I heard from comedian, Gary Gulman when he says "People will say things like 'I don't photograph well.' Oh it's not you, it's the technology. It's not me that's unattractive, what's unattractive is any exact copy of my face." Have there been pictures of me that I'm not proud of? Absolutely! There are pictures somewhere on this planet of me dressed as a doctor or a football player. Two professions I would later realize I do not have the brains or brawn to pull off. When I was at a dance in high school, a slow song came on and the moment felt right so I gave my date a kiss. What I didn't realize is in that exact moment, a group of Platonic friends directly in front of me decided they were going to capture that moment in their lovely suits and dresses and keep it to remind themselves of what a great night that dance had been. I am forever in the background of that picture and despite the fact that the kiss had been an innocent little peck, frozen in time is now a couple that looks like they are trying to turn that high school dance into a preschool graduation and for that, I will always be sorry.

The fact of the matter is that people did not always place such a high level of importance on how they looked in pictures, whether they looked happy or attractive in that moment. A lot has to do with people not knowing when "that moment" was going to be because there were no flashing timers or selfie sticks. There was no way to tell when someone should start or stop smiling for a picture so, why bother? Have you ever had to smile longer than you expected for a picture? I end up looking like a frightened Botox dummy. The second the camera is lowered, my first thought is "I'm done smiling? Thank goodness!" and then I get in all of the stern-faced frowning I had been missing out on for the last minute and a half.  

So while none of the following is based in fact, here are my Top 10 Reasons People Never Smiled In Pictures In the Old Days

1. William T. Sherman is pissed that his cannons are malfunctioning and he keeps sending letters to the company, but all of the replies just say "Plez b hoden fir de nes afelibull pursan hu nus ha tew rit"
2. The farming family is upset because they have just came from seeing playwright Nathaniel Bannister's 1837 hit "the Marriage Contract" and they will have to wait a whole two years before he comes out with "The Maine Question" and thus, they are stuck in what we now know to be a "show hole." 
3.  They Had Gas. I obviously can't prove it, but if you look at the collection of pictures that Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln have taken together, I can pretty much guarantee in that moment, one of them is fanning the fanny flatulent flames of marital discord. Happy belated birthday Honest Abe!
4. They didn't have tooth brushes. So it's safe to say that the color pattern on the inside of people's mouths looked something like a busted up, old piano and that is certainly nothing to show off.  They didn't have toilet paper. I've done some sub par wiping jobs in my day, whether it be because my bus was arriving, my show was back on or because when your the smaller of two brothers, your "number twos" become a secondary concern to Older Bros' bathroom needs. It is not comfortable walking around like Porky Pig looking for Bugs Bunny until you get to school. With no toilet paper at all? I can't even imagine!  They didn't have Xbox. They didn't even know the concept of what would become the Xbox, because they were too busy just trying to survive on a daily basis, but still somehow they knew that they were missing out. All they had were arranged marriages and that can make for a very bitter group of "settlers." (Sorry, that one was bad, it won't happen again.)
5.  Half of the people were probably drunk. Given the fact that alcoholic beverages were much more common back then and a "drinking age" was nonexistent it wouldn't surprise me if pretty much everyone in these pictures had been, or was currently getting their "Colonial Williamsburg Crunk" on. Colonial times almost forced us into creating a whole new humanoid chart entitled "The Inebriation of Man" where you start out crawling, then walking, then stumbling, then falling, then crawling again and then eventually dying from a minor cold. My point is, have you ever seen a picture of yourself drunk and thought "this would make a great Christmas card?" I'm guessing not, so let's cut these people some slack.
6. Lesser healthcare meant that people back then were dying from colds, wartime injuries and just the act of being born, so the hardened people before you in these photos had seen death and hardship throughout all of their lives and were essentially rough riders one blue bandana away from being leaders of the Crips. 
7. Fashion. People like to look good. In high school, I had this faded jeans and green plaid button down shirt combo that really made my eyes pop. Anytime  I put that on, I left the house feeling like a million bucks. Don't get me wrong, the second I walked out into public, I pushed on doors that said "Pull" and I stepped onto extra stairs that weren't even there, but when I had my Superman costume on, none of that mattered, I was invincible baby! Back in the old days, women looked like extravagant peacocks and men dressed as if they were cast as extras for an off-Broadway production of The Nutcracker so I don't blame them for looking a little upset. By looking at my school pictures, I could tell you the exact year I started picking out my own clothes because there suddenly was a complete extinction of the cartoon dinosaurs that once inhabited my clothing, but there is an ever-present smile on my face. 
8. Individuals and families being photographed often felt judged. Photographers back in the day would disappear under a large hood and then pop back up after the picture was taken. Although American football hadn't even been invented yet, most families expected the cameraman to resurface and say something along the lines of "After further review, the ruling in the booth is that the father's got no teeth, the mother smells like feet and the children don't know a letter from litter of kittens now get on outta here, git!"
9. Today, prior to taking a picture, saying the word "cheese" naturally presses the lips and mouth into a upright and smiling position. We figured this out as a result of some trial and error having previously experimented with a few other options. Sadly, the main dishes back then consisted of poultry. Saying "poultry" has an early gravitational downward pull on the mouth and the harsh and sharp sound of the -try suffix does not at all help to brighten the mood, thus the reason why after several centuries this practice was ultimately scrapped. 
10. The 1800s saw a musical boom in the brass band movement including widespread use of tubas, trumpets and trombones. I will admit that, despite the upbeat tempo of "Happy" by Pharrell Williams, given its repetitive nature, after about a minute and a half I'm all set. If I get irritated by that joyous jubilee of sound, I can't imagine what it must have been like to have a compilation of noise that amounts to a New York City rush hour rolling around in your head all day. 

So there you have it. If you were ever wondering why everyone was so glum at Gettysburg or what was with all of the long faces in London, those are most likely the top 10 reasons why people didn't smile in pictures.