Getting involved with writing has afforded me the
opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people. Recently, I had the privilege
of talking with New England Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick. We discussed life, linemen and the pursuit of
Super Bowl ring number five. What resulted from our time together was the
following:
M: Bill, rumor has it that you are driving around a 2000
Chevrolet Blazer, any thoughts of trading in the car or bringing it to a
junkyard and replacing that particular car before it does some serious damage
to itself or others?
B: No! That’s ridiculous! I’m going to absolutely drive that
thing into the ground. People say I need to remember how it broke down back in
the winter of ’08, but other than that it has run absolutely fine! I don’t need
to worry about resale value because I will not give it away! It is mine, my
own, my precious!
M: Pop sensation Mariah Carey has a 5 octave vocal range,
would you say that you struggle to hit anything above a D1?
B: Yeah, well I thought that if I zombied through enough of
these interviews people would leave me alone, but clearly that’s not the case.
I’m just going to resort to habitually asking people what time it is until they
ask if there’s somewhere I need to be.
M: People have accused you of being dry and cold towards the
press, would you mind telling me your favorite joke?
B: Knock, knock
M: Oh gosh…………Who’s there?
B: No one, because I have video surveillance on my property
and I’ll curse you out before you get to the door! We don’t want any more visitors,
well-wishers or distant relations. HA!
M: Mr. Belichick, what is it that would make you happiest?
B: Well, I don’t know anything about that, but an occurrence
that would cause my face to not look like I either just came from killing
someone or I am getting myself mentally prepared to go kill someone directly
after the interview would be to win that fifth Super Bowl Ring.
M: Fives rings huh? That would put you above some of the
greats such as Charles Haley, Kim Kardashian and Brad Pitt
M: Bill, who are some of your heroes?
B: Ummm, English poet, Thomas Carlyle who is credited with
the saying “Silence is golden.” I’ve always admired President Theodore
Roosevelt who said “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Thirdly, Richard Nixon’s
secretary, Rose Mary Woods, who accidentally erased a bunch of material on the Watergate
tapes. Just amazing individuals with phenomenal track records.
M: After doing some digging, we found out that the girl you
wanted to go to prom with ended up going with the quarterback of the football
team, what are your thoughts about him?
B: I mean, he’s a great guy. He held doors open for her,
pulled out her chair, picked up the restaurant tab every time they went out and
he went to do the door each time he picked her up, didn’t just pull up in the driveway
and beep. Just an all-around classy guy.
M: And you know all of this, how?
B: Camcorders, my friend.
M: You were born in 1952 which means your Chinese Zodiac is
the Water Dragon, any thoughts on this?
B: What the heck is a Water Dragon? Dragons breathe fire,
how do you have a Water Dragon, it’s stupid. It’s like a river on a hot day
being described as dry and damp.
M: Did you intentionally dodge the use of the word moist?
B: Yes. Next question.
M: If you could speak another language which would it be and
why?
B: Just plain English really, because just like the rest of
the team, my football IQ is off the charts so when I stand up on the podium and
really get into the meat of what our game plan was and what schemes we were
using, then all of these poor journalists have to sit there nodding their acting
as if they have the slightest clue what I’m talking about. It just must be
stressful and very difficult.
M: Sources tell us that last year, your outdoor Christmas
light display featured a lot of blue lights despite the fact that the only
person to ever associate this color with Christmas was Elvis Presley, any
reasoning behind this?
B: I’m on to this year.
M: I just want to know your thoughts on the criticism you received
for having blue Christmas lights this year.
B: I’m on to this year.
M: Okay, Christmas lights are a touchy subject, got it.
Bill, are you aware of the “Um Rum” drinking game where participants watch one
of your press conferences and do a shot every time you say “um?”
B: No, I wasn’t aware of that.
M: Eh, don’t worry about it. After a while they’re not aware
of it either. Ok, what was your dream job growing up?
B: A mannequin, next question.
M: Despite NASA reporting that they had the least favorable
viewing of Haley’s Comet in 1986, did you enjoy getting to be around to see
that take place?
B: Ummm, I missed it. I was busy with football stuff. I
gotta do a better job of keeping track of when that is. Look it up in the
morning, afternoon and evening. I’ll catch the next one.
M: It’s not estimated to return until July of 2061.
B: Yeah? So?
M: That would make you 109 years old.
B: Yep.
M: Alright, well your genes work better than your headsets,
am I right? (nervous laughter)
B: (death stare) we good here?
M: Really? That’s how you want to end this? You could’ve
gone with bye, good bye, ba-bye, thanks or thank you for your time, but instead
you say “we good here” hastiness of a child that’s been forced to talk on the
phone with his aging grandmother. Disappointing.
(There’s no word as to whether or not journalists were
harmed following the completion of this interview although Tom Brady said that
he was “generally aware” of the presence of a roided up Hulk Hogan who was
locked in a room with our reporter for a minute or two)
