It's A Bit Derivative

My interaction with a museum employee in Madrid :

"Is this piece of art being worked on?"

"That's a window and a closed curtain"

(Runs away embarrassed)

Scared Straight in Espana

To the Spanish kids on the field trip talking and joking around in the museum,

I took three planes, a train and walked a cross country careers worth of mileage to get here and this is right in your backyard so take some time to appreciate it.

Not sure if the chapperrone excitedly yelling at me was angry at me for hitting her kids or enthusiastically offering me a job based on the behavioral change in the children that resulted. Either way, you're welcome

It's Wedding Season

I'm Mark Woonton and these are the worst wedding hashtags of all-time:

1. #ThisStartedAsADare 
2. #NoNameChangeNeeded #AlabamaWeddings
3. #FifthTime'sACharm 
4. #SaveTheReceipt
5.  #ISettled 
6. #SheSaidMaybe
7. #VegasWedding #NoRingNoDJNoService
8. #IReallyJustLikeTheRing #MyPrecious 
9. #IGiveThisAWeekBeforeTheyTryToKillEachOther #SevenDays 
10. #SheComesFromMoney #SugarMama 
11. #DorisHasFinallyDoneIt #SeniorCitizenSweethearts #ClassOf1946 #RedLanternWeddings   

Making the Cut

Today at work i passed the little test which certifies me to carry around on my belt what they call a cutting knife (as opposed to a non-cutting knife???) Anyway, i prob can't post the questions on the internet, so here is the Mark Anthony Woonton Modified Acceptable Knife Handling Exam or MAWMAKHE for short:

1. Do you know that this isn't a toy?

2. Do you ever fantasize about being Zorro and act on those fantasies?

3. Do you have the desire to physically harm any of our workers?

4. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

5. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

6. Is it safe to assume that something called a woodchuck should be capable of chucking wood?

7. Who let the dogs out?

8. Do you hear what I hear?

9. Oh na na, whats my name?

10. Will you marry me?

An Apple A Day

I decided to have an apple instead of ice cream as a snack today so I grabbed out the apple slicer that you press down on the apple and it cuts it up evenly, but in the hands of someone who has the swordsman skills of that grumpy old hobbit sweeping his front porch, glaring at Frodo, Merry and Pippin in the Fellowship of the Ring, it very quickly became a dual-purpose item and turned into a thumb slicer. The coldness of the ice cream bowl is helping to heal my wounds from the McIntosh apples from Mordor

The Light Bulb Conspiracy

I would like to issue a formal apology to the members of my family as living on my own has brought on the sad revelation of the number of times it was I that left that dish in the sink, left that light on or did not change out that toilet paper roll, for that I am sorry. It's amazing what happens when you have no one to pin things on. In other news, the amount of light turning on and off that I do throughout the day probably leads the people across the street to believe that I am gearing up for what is sure to be the most depressing Christmas light display of all-time.

PSA (Public Sarcasm Announcement

If you are driving in a left turn lane, please (Chris Farley voice) “For the love of God” make a left turn. People seem to have this desire to want to engage in a game of Tic Tac T-Bone rather than recall the 1492 discovery of Christopher Columbus that the earth is indeed not flat, which today allows us to be comforted by the fact that if we have to drive forward an extra hundred feet, this ever revolving planet of ours will not allow us to spiral out of the solar system. Among my fathers’ ironclad axioms of adulthood like “Because I said so” or “Wait till your mother gets home” (because we all know who wielded the power, right?) was “If you get in a turn lane, make the turn.” Live free or die was a battle cry, not a suggestion.

Now, although this is probably a pointless errand, I’d like to address the drivers of Massachusetts:

“Mahk wants you to try wicked hahd to pahk ya cah so ya don’t look like an idiot.”

Thank you.