What's Your Position?

When I was learning to drive in high school, I was taught to have my hands at ten o’clock and two o’clock. While taking Drivers Ed (which honestly, in New England I think they should just link Driver’s Ed and Anger Management together, but that’s a whole other thing) I was instructed to have my hands at 9 and 3. I was recently informed that we are all now supposed to have our hands at 8 and 4. We may be headed into some trouble for two reasons:

1.      I highly doubt that the 16 year-olds of today have even seen an analog clock in order to reference that hand position

2.      This trend means that we are two years away from having our hands at 6 and 6, which coincidentally is a number commonly associated with demonic forces , this credible thought, plus the increased difficulty I forsee of making successful turns with both hands at the bottom of the steering wheel is why I am predicting that that is the year the world will end

But based on what I have seen on the road, there are a lot of options out there and quite frankly I don’t know which one to go with because the hand positions seem to be changing quicker than the female fashion at North Shore High School after Regina George gets two holes cut in her top. These days when I am driving I now feel more out of place than an overly emotional fat chick at an all-girl meeting in the gymnasium. (Everybody good on Mean Girls references? Good) But luckily, in this “you just do you, Boo Boo” day and age we live in we can pick from a seemingly endless combination of hand positions and be absolutely fine. My goal here is to simply give you access to the information and much like I know the majority of the country spends countless hours tirelessly researching presidential candidates so that on voting day they can make an informed decision instead of just sitting on their hands and then complaining about the country going down the crapper. I am sure the DMV is hard a work putting together a pamphlet that they will get to you in an efficient and expedited manner, but just in case that doesn’t happen, here is a quick list of prudent and acceptable hand postures for the modern-day motorist:

1.      12 and cell phone

2.      12 and radio dial

3.      12 and coffee

4.      12 and shaver

5.      12 and accusatory argumentative pointer finger aimed at spouse in the passenger seat

6.      12 and cigarette (because while death is inevitable, I’d like to think that the rate and circumstances by which it happens is at least a little bit up to me)

7.      12 and fishing loose change out of cup holder as they approach a toll booth or drive-thru window

8.      12 and makeup (because if a cop is going to take your picture, you might as well look good, right?)

9.      12 and novel (Ah yes, reading and driving, a perfect example of how to look smart and stupid at the same time)

10.   12 and fast food (I’ve often been asked if I had to die a certain way, how is it that I would like to go out? And to tell you the truth, I’d die a happy man if I was holding a hamburger. And that really creates a conflict of human interest because survival is a natural instinct and both the need for nourishment and not slamming into oncoming traffic satisfy that need so at that point, much like all that preceded this final note, the choice is yours