Angry Angry Violent Turtle

Yesterday morning while on my run i noticed a turtle standing still right in the middle of the road, i picked little Leonardo up and walked toward the side of the road.Just then i heard the voice of an old man come out of the turtle shouting "NO! NO! PUT ME DOWN, I WANNA DO IT! IT'S TOO HOT AND THIS SHELL IS TOO HEAVY! (I may have cleaned up his language a little bit) I brought him over to the side of the road and ran several strides away and turned in hopes to catch a glimpse of him majestically retreating to his habitat only to see him back in the center of the road angrily staring down the approaching SUV as he mumbled "c'mon hit me! Do it!" Please be praying for the turtles as they struggle through this tough time of year

Happy Valentines Day, Mate

Being single on Valentines Day is kinda like being British on the 4th of July cuz you know you're missing out on something somewhere but it doesn't matter because you know you have a classier, sexier voice than everyone else

Super Game, Even Spectacular Commercial

Super Bowl Sunday: The only day of the year when you "hold it" during the commercials and wait until the games back on to go to the bathroom

Now That’s What I DON’T Call Music 2015

 

During the 18^th and 19^th centuries, the Classical period of music had taken hold of much of Europe and was considered to be an art form for the sophisticated and intellectual. The music itself had the power to provoke emotion within each individual audience member. They did this largely through intricate instrumental pieces that made someone feel any emotion from joy to sorrow or peace to fear. Nowadays, I often shut off the radio in a similar mental state that I had following the 85^th time that I saw the movie Inception (“What in the name of Engelbert Humperdinck was that??!!”) During performances in the Classical Period, audience members sat quietly and attentive until it was time to applaud. Maybe it was because back then the drinking age was like 2 ½ years old so by the time one possessed the coordination and endurance to stand and sit for several hours as events such as concerts demanded, they could put away a 24 pack by themselves with little to no fuss. In todays highly restricted, babysitters in the house and nets around trampolines society, alcoholics are only allowed to gather together once every couple of months at events called Country Concerts. I personally wish nothing but continued success for artists such as Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean in the hopes that this issue will eventually be self -correcting as high concentrations of people with highly concentrated levels of alcohol in their bloodstream who are highly unable to concentrate will eventually eat away at their own numbers one stadium parking lot-ful at a time.

Given the success of the Now That’s What I Call Music series, I have taken it upon myself to put together what I’m going to safely assume is the first ever Now That’s What I Don’t Call Music CD Set. Songs to make this list have to meet the criteria of either being socially inappropriate to the point where I can’t believe they were allowed on the radio or songs with such a repetitive nature, they are rivaled in their lyrical complexity only by the naming of the traffic sign which instructs drivers to stop.

If you are someone who is personally a fan of one or more of these songs, please bear in mind that this list comes from someone who, up until about a year and a half ago, thought that the Blue Man Group was one group of guys traveling around. So again, this is just my opinion and I would strongly encourage anyone who hasn’t heard any of these songs to take a listen in order to formulate your own opinion (though I would not recommend doing so in close proximity to any loaded firearms or steep cliffs) And if you are one of the artists mentioned in the list, before you get too upset, consider the fact that you are reading some lowly, largely unheard of blog instead of spending your time looking to book a show at Madison Square Garden. So I simply ask that instead of getting angry, you first reevaluate what you mean when you tell people that you’ve “made it.” And at the end of the day, I am keenly aware of the fact that my net worth is roughly .0000000000000001% of most of the artists on this list so the core emotion behind this collection may very well be jealousy. So here it is, the playlist of a mishmash of instrument banging and vocal cord vibrations that makes my elementary school classes’ rendition of the Pledge of Allegiance sound like angelic hosts and whose lyrical flow and creativity make my 4^th grade presentation on the digestive system (in which I giggled while saying "anus" and just giggled again while writing it 12 years of maturing later) look like a Doctoral Thesis:

1.  Pharrell Williams – Happy

2.  OutKast – Hey Ya

3.  Fountains Of Wayne – Stacy’s Mom

4.  Meghan Trainor – All About That Bass

5.  Fetty Wap - 679

6.  Katy Perry – I Kissed A Girl

7.  Icona Pop – I Love It

8. ACDC – Big Balls

9. Aerosmith – Big Ten Inch

10.  Flo Rida – Whistle

11.  Katy Perry – Peacock

12.  J-Kwon – Tipsy

13.  Jason Derulo – Trumpets

14.  Miley Cyrus – Wrecking Ball

15.  Miley Cyrus – Party In The USA

16.  Miley Cyrus – We Can’t Stop (Making Crappy Music)

17.  Linkin Park – One Step Closer

18.  John Mayer – Say

19.  Sia – Chandelier

20.  Trey Songz & Chris Brown  – Club Going Up On A Tuesday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/1/20.....something

And so begins that 2 week period where anytime im writing the date, I have to erase and rewrite the year

Happy Turkey Day.....As Long As You're Not A Turkey

Every time i see a turkey in my yard, i have a sudden urge to grab my BB gun, put on one of those crazy hats with a buckle on it and befriend some Native Americans. I don't know if thats normal, if it's a masculine thing or if i should see someone about this

NostraDUMBas

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great sorrow that I report that the end times are in fact at hand. Scientists have gathered actual evidence this time and I, for one, apologize for the Doomsday false alarms that followed 6/6/06, 2012, the discontinuation of the Twinkie, the series finale of How I Met Your Mother and that two week period of time that coincidentally lined up with my high school girlfriend breaking up with me. But this morning, after purchasing my iced coffee, the straw fell into that empty space between the seat and cup holder and after an extensive search through the old mail, pay stub, Gushers wrappers wreckage, the straw was nowhere to be found. This space is widely believed to be the singularity, or center of the black hole that will eventual engulf all of humanity. So tell your family you love them, go steal an animal from the zoo and tell your mother-in-law how you really feel about her. It's been a pleasure people