We the People

When trying to make plans with a group of friends is like trying to pass a bill in Congress

Top 10 Reasons Your Neighbor's Dog Won't Stop Barking

1.    It’s Sunday and they are practicing for Monday’s return of the malevolent mailman

2.      Michael Vick is watching the game over their house

3.      Dogs have moved on from their dream of starring in visual art such as Cassius Marcellus Coolidges’ 1894 painting “Dogs Playing Poker” and have slumped further into their gambling and money hungry addiction by looking to perfect Lady Gaga’s 2008 smash hit “Poker Face”…….It’s not going well

4.      The dogs just learned that Warner Bros has a new Scooby-Doo movie in the works set for release in 2018 and they want to tell everyone they know how excited they are about it

5.      Those dogs have seen you jogging around the neighborhood. They’ve heard you talk to friends and family about how you’re going to eat right and get in shape, but they can see those pizza boxes. They can see into your window, into your kitchen and into your soul. You disgust them.

6.      Much like the human Last Clap Contest where two semi-civilized human beings try to get the last clap in during a round of applause at a performance, dogs participate in a Last Bark Contest in which two dogs engage in an exchange of back and forth barking and the winner is the one left standing after the irate owner has pulled out all of his hair and then proceeds to pull out a shotgun and cut the front yards’ dog population down by 50%

7.      The dogs are Dallas bred Redbone Coonhounds and they bark every time a car goes down the street that is not an American made vehicle. Although the dogs are very opinionated and slightly (if not extremely) racist, they just want to bring awareness to the fact that we are doing a grave disservice to our domestic economy by seeking easier and cheaper products overseas

8.      The dog is a sadistic little screwball who loves the harmless but unpleasant electrical pulse he gets anytime he wanders too close to the street. A sensation that borders right on the precipice of pleasure and pain jolts through his body and this bark is simply him repeatedly saying “please sir, may I have another?”

9.      Much like that annoying, short chick you went to high school with, the small dog stuck in her tiny world surrounded by dozens of giant, free roaming humanoids simply wants attention and has decided to continuously complain about the food it’s being served inside, the temperature outside and the fact that the dog across the street has the audacity and unneutered undercarriage to wear the exact same purple collar that that dog is wearing even though she had insisted that today was her day to wear a purple collar

10.   The dog can see in your upstairs window that you are being robbed, but you are far too busy downstairs stuffing your face with pizza to notice and you’re about to lose all of the jewelry you bought your wife over the years because you can’t hear the bustling and bumping of burglary because you’re yelling at the dog…….jerk. 

False Advertising

I am both baffled and embarrassed by the recollection of that period of time in high school that I felt it was OK for someone with my anatomical build to wear a Tapout shirt

Cut Off

Tony Romo and Robert Griffin III walk into a bar, both of them trip in the doorway and hurt themselves and they are asked to leave before they can do any more physical or emotional damage to those around them.

You Darn Kids

I've been living in my place for over a year getting to know the people and places around me and today I finally met the representative grumpy old lady who feels like everyone drives down the street too fast. Listen, when you have an iced coffee in your car in August you can drive how you want, but I'm going to get home in a way that allows me to enjoy more than a caffeinated puddle, alright?

Let the Games Begin

I've decided that if they ever put stand up comedy in the Olympics, after Brian Regan and Jim Gaffigan are suddenly unable to compete do to a mysterious case of food poisoning that I would in no way be connected to, I would be the  next logical choice to represent the United States (after trying out and placing 4th in the sport of humility) And after I take home the gold, I would take those flowers that they give the medalists and go home to my blond haired, blue eyed, 5 foot 3 wife (and just for the sake of making sure I didn't  just describe one of my fabulous female friends, she also has to have a missing pinky toe on her left foot from an accident in her past life as an English explorer when she was sticking the flag in the ground of the New World saying "I claim this land in the name of OWWW!" Anyway, I would take the flowers back to my home in Butte, Montana where I chose to live simply because the first time I saw that written on a map as a kid I thought it was pronounced Butt, and that's my rationality for where I will live as an adult. Anyway, my wife couldn't make it to the games because she was far too busy at her job as a part time heart surgeon and part time lawyer, career choices which became necessary because her husband spends far too much time blogging when he should be getting ready for work to make any money and I would give her the flowers and say "I couldn't stop thinking about you while I was in the Olympics in Antarctica. And while I was there I applied to the University of Antarctica and they gave me a T-shirt just for applying, isn't that awesome! Sorryvthey are a little shredded, we got attacked by a rabid waddle of penguins." She would look me in the eyes and say "That's ok sweetie, but we are out of milk can you go pick some up?" And I would say the only two words a good husband needs to know........"FINE, WOMAN!" Just kidding. "Yes, dear"

Corporate Courtship

At work today, a woman complimented my job in the dish room telling me that I was friendly and worked very hard. She then asked what was an obvious follow up question to that which allowed our dialogue to have the conversational continuity of a film series that goes from Lord of the Rings 1 to Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to Star Wars Episode 3 and finishes up with Harry Potter 4.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" she asked

 I decided to cut her off at the pass and let her down easy......"Listen lady, I appreciate it, but you're like 96 years old and your English is mediocre at best so I just think communication would be a huge problem for us, I appreciate the compliment of your interest though."

 I said no I didn't and she said "Don't worry she's out there somewhere (as if my future wife is some lost kitten just aimlessly wandering around) Just keep working hard and she'll find you." she said

"I'm washing dishes..... I spend several hours a day scraping crusty, old lasagna primavera out of a sheet-pan, so unless I'm meant to be with Ariel from the little mermaid or 2004 Christina Aguilera pops outta this industrial sized dishwasher and does an absolutely killer rendition of "Car Wash"  I don't think this is the answer to my problem. I appreciate this 7th Heaven moment very much, but let's just think about dishes now."

We proceeded to promptly and peacefully put away the remainder of the plates and silverware.