Dr. Where?!?!

 Has anyone ever walked from a waiting room to the doctor's office, and it is just like a straight shot? Of course not! Why is it always this corn maze to get your clavicle checked out, a labyrinth to determine why you have that limp and why does every place that practices medicine insist on being a maze?

Bottom Rung Flight School

 There is a vision and hair gel requirement that will forever keep out of being a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force. However, I always feel as though I gain a glimpse into that world when a car comes out of a gas station and pulls up next to me at a stoplight having not secured their gas cap. I start frantically signing like their tail is on fire or they have a bandit on their 6 and I'm sure they are thinking I want to race or enlist them as a member of the Wootang Clan or something when in reality I am just carrying on the creed set forth by Maverick in Top Gun "I feel the desire for you not to spill gas on your tire."

Jaded White North

 Just in case you thought you were cool, here's a reminder that today in 1901 was the first barrel ride down Niagra Falls. I would like to think I am not a jaded person, but my relationship with Niagra Falls begs to differ. In visiting my family in Michigan, we typically drive which can take 10.5 to 14 hours depending on who is driving. The route we take goes from New Hampshire, Massachusetts, New York up into Canada and down into Michigan. Throughout my lifetime we typically go twice a year and we have probably stopped at Niagara Falls about half of the time (I would not recommend this as your stopping point if you already have to go to the bathroom really bad.) It sounds incredibly spoiled of me, but at this point I am like "It's water, I get it. Let's hit the road." I know the offer tours on the "Maid of the Mist" but if you would rather follow around a grumbling, rapidly aging bitter man around the outskirts of the falls I will now be offering tours called "The Way to Get Pissed." Tours start at $30, US dollar only although I will also accept Dunkin Donuts or Tim Hortons coffee.

Mightier than the Sword

 There is an expression "Don't lend money unless you are prepared to not see it back." And after doing some cleaning in my car, backpack and my room along with some honest self-reflection I have come to the solemn conclusion that you should probably never lend me a writing implement. Over the years I have curated a crap-ton of Bics I never gave back, Ticonderoga I have taken and many a Faber-Castell have become a castaway now in my possession. These have come from current jobs, former jobs, jobs I interviewed for with no intention of taking. I have become the John Dillinger of the dentist's office, the Clyde "Borrow and never give back" at the Barnes and Noble and the Pen and "El Cap-o" of the elementary school I work at. Sorry, everyone! I will write myself a note to return these items, but if I could have a pen/pencil to do so would be appreciated.

Most Valuable Player

 I was going through some old bins in the attic, and I found this, stating that on one chilly December day I, Mark Woonton, excelled at sports. Yes, it turns out that my golden age of athleticism that was deemed worthy of recognition was twelve years old. Back in 2004, the year that Martha Stewart went from oven roasted turkey to jail bird. Bacon was the #1 food trend according to hobbylark.com and Usher and Ludacris made good use of Lil John's limited vocabulary to create the #1 song of the year. Now, throughout my time of playing sports I have been on teams named after top predatory animals like eagles, sharks or bobcats. I have been a member of teams named for historically aggressive warriors like Vikings, Patriots or Spartans. As you can see, no such names appear here. These are the names of companies that make and sell hockey gear. I have several meetings throughout history I wish I could have sat in on, among them are Lee's surrender at Appomattox, a meeting of the Inklings which was a discussion group at the University of Oxford with members J.R.R Tolkien and C.S. Lewis and lastly, would be the meeting that took place nearly two decades ago that ended with the affirmation that the best way to get a bunch of Salem, New Hampshire area youth fired up and passionate about the sport of hockey would be to name the teams after hockey equipment manufacturers. I'm sorry, but is this hockey or NASCAR? I understand that participants in both are missing most or all of their teeth, but I'm pretty sure that the similarities end there. I was loyal too. I was representing East side from my neck guard to my skates. I was brand loyal long before Meghan Trainor started singing about it. Two things to close to the folks over at Easton, your boy just gave you some major exposure and your sales are about to go through the roof so how about you hook a brother up with some free gear, huh? And lastly, CCM, I unfortunately had to include you in this picture so just know I put on the full armor of Marian Gaborik. So, just know if you even THINK of sending me your hockey pants of perfidiousness, chest protector of wrongfulness, the skates of sleeping through practice, the shin pads of shame and the stick of the kid who is scared to get hit, all of these items will be burned in a glorious fire in my backyard. I know what you are thinking, "Mark, why is it that your go to tough guy is named Marian? He doesn't sound all that imposing." And to that I say "Hey, at least his middle name isn't Francis." At this point there is a particular member of the Woonton clan who has his feathers ruffled and I know for a fact he's not going to do anything about it, but here is what said individual can do, he can go for a little walk off a short pier and jump into Lake St. Clair which, while not officially one of the Great Lakes itself, it is a small but integral part of the Great Lakes system.

Taxation Before Mastication

 A few days ago, I went to Subway and got the "All American Club" and I said, "Can I get a chocolate chip cookie, too?" He said "OK, your total is $17.76, here's your receipt." I looked at it and said "Ha! I got the All-American Club, and my total was $17.76? That's hilarious!" and he said " Ha! You are probably my favorite customer of all-time! You know, most people wouldn't understand why that is funny." I said, "I don't blame you, I'm pretty flippin' awesome and excuse me, sir but I believe you are grossly underestimating the intellect of the American citizen and I won't stand for it!" He said something in response, but his words were drowned out by the sound of someone attempting to enter the establishment by pushing on a door that said "PULL" across the handle. I stood there thinking "Oh dang, you could be right." I asked if I could take a Zoom call while I was at my table and he said, "You bought something so do whatever you want." Over the course of my life, I have probably said the pledge of allegiance thousands of times. I have voted in every election since I was 18 years old and I have stood at Little Round Top in Gettysburg National Park where the 20th Maine held the extreme left flank of the Union line, but ordering a dessert to bring my spending total to a patriotic price point is the most American thing I have ever done. If you would like to discuss it with me further, I have taken up residence in the Pelham Subway, I will be the guy with two employees under his arm as they attempt to usher me through the door as I shout, "I'm a paying customer and an American, now unhand me immediately!"

Why is the Mailbox across the Road?

 Who is one person you would want to interview? Is it a political figure? A musician? An actor?

I was driving home a few days ago and there was this guy standing in the middle of the road leafing through letters and cursing out Comcast under his breath and muttering "come on, hit me. I want you to do it." Luckily (for me, I guess) nothing happened. I would love to sit down and talk to the first person whose mailbox was on the other side of the street from their house. I absolutely have to know, was it the thousand little panic attacks every day of having to storm across the street like a Best Buy shopper on Black Friday that eventually got to them or one day were they like "The newspaper is here! I wonder which picture they are going to use for my obituary?!" And it was one unfortunately timed encounter with a Ford Explorer?