Lovestruck

I had to go get some lab work today. And that is just a soft way of saying I needed to get blood drawn, but the former terminology gets people like me to wander into the doctors office like “What are we doing, a baking soda volcano?!” So instead of handing the desk my insurance card, I handed them a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card out of my wallet and as the girl was bringing me back to the torture chamber we had a good laugh about that because if someone is going to be sticking me with a needle I like to try to talk them out of it or at least get on their good side. The girl was around my age so we are chatting about getting kicked off our parents insurance and Toys R Us closing down. We go back there and I handle the whole thing like a big boy and she’s labeling a vile as I hop off the seat and she goes “Uh oh, you’re going to hate me.” I said “I understand it’s your job to stab me, it’s not your fault.” And she says “I put the sample in the wrong color vile so we have to do it again.” Because apparently blue is for Smurfs and members of Eiffel 65, purple is for dinosaurs and Prince fans and red is for Taylor Swift and Bruce Willis. So she fills up the second vile and we continue talking and I don’t know if it was the result of a loss of blood or falling in love, but I start getting lightheaded. So she’s apologizing profusely and as I leave I had a thought that can only be classified as unwarranted arrogance or straight up stupidity that no one should ever have about someone who has unnecessarily stabbed them twice  ....”Should I have asked her out?”

Dive Bar Exam

Whenever I go out to eat, I can scour the menu for 20 minutes like I’m cramming for the dive bar exam and have my sides and main course memorized and I’m ready to articulate exactly how I want everything cooked, but apparently I had a hunger hypnosis placed on me as a child and the trigger phrase is “and for you.....” because I instantly turn into Patrick Star in line at the Krusty Krab like “Ummmmmm.” Thank goodness the test is always open book