Throughout the vast majority of my life, I have had the misfortune of giving off this calm, chill demeanor which communicates to people that if someone were to punch me in the face, in all likelihood, I would respond by complimenting them on the strength and softness of their hands. This makes it all the more entertaining when a particular group of people sees me get angry for the first time, because they react in a similar way as if they had just discovered that one of their friends could sing really well.
"Wow! I didn't know you could do that! When did that start?"
"In high school, really."
"That's incredible! We should get you in front of Simon Cowell, he would love you!"
Monday, January 30, 2017
Friday, January 20, 2017
All Fun and Games
We as a people like to be shocked. There is some part of us that enjoys being in suspense or experiencing a nervous thrill. This is made evident by the popularity of shows like Fear Factor, where we watch as contestants perform daring stunts and consume some of the most grotesque gourmet that I have ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on (and that is saying a lot coming from a guy who cooks up a meatballs and rice recipe which, given the aesthetic aftermath, the family has come to refer to this particular dish as Vomit).
Each year, horror movies bring millions of dollars into box offices across the globe and these films are also responsible for a spike in Unisom Sleep gels as well as band-aid purchases resulting from nervous girlfriends sinking their nails into the man candy sitting next to them in the movie theater. I have never really understood the point behind horror movies, because if I'm going to fork over some money, I want to laugh or see something explode, but instead people are forking over butt tons of money at the cost of a few nights sleep and developing an irrational fear of blind people
Personally, as I was growing up, I couldn't help but come to the conclusion that kids can begin to weed out this fear by proving themselves to be tough by dominating at dodge-ball in gym class and inflicting as much pain as humanly possible on members of the other team who are not even close to being on their doctor's chart of where they are supposed to be with regards to height and weight at that age. Yet, when these same kids needed help memorizing the parts and functions that make up the Central Nervous System, who do they run to instead of run at? I digress.
Extreme consequences do make things more urgent and thus, make them more interesting. Take a game like Hangman for example, a game where if I can't guess what someone is trying to say, I have the eternal soul of a stick figure on my conscience. Do you have any idea how many innocent, lead limbed lads and lasses have gone to the gallows simply because I didn't pay attention in English class?
In social studies, some friends and I played a game where we would spin a globe and stop the spinning with our finger, whatever country we had landed on was blown up. That was how I first learned that most of the Earth's makeup is in fact water, because the vast majority of the casualties resulting from this game were reefs and fish. Side note, "pointing at a globe to see who dies" is rumored to be the military strategy for the Trump administrations' Secretary of Defense, James Mattis.
However, the game I remember most was one that my family played which I will call Find Your Name In the Credits. In this game, I, along with the other members of my family would fervently search through the credit reel at the end of a movie in search of my name in what can only be described as a post-film Purge, because if I did not find my first name (spelled exactly how I spell it) then the penalty was my hypothetical death. I will admit that having an easy name like Mark certainly has its advantages, my name is quick to write and easy to spell, However, do to the fact there is a similar sounding and much more common name, if I was not careful to articulate upon meeting someone for the first time, I can't tell you how many weeks of my life have been spent with new acquaintances calling me Matt. It's such a shame because names like Mark Mcgwire and Mark Zuckerberg are synonymous with originality and doing what ever it takes to win, whereas names like Matthew McConaughey and Matt LeBlanc make people think "Eh, maybe 10 years ago, but not now."
About a month ago, I was watching a Monday night football game between the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions and much to Jigsaw John Madden's delight, I decided to play a little game. During the player introductions I was going to pick a college and as the players said where they were from, if the college I had selected was said, I lived. Given Alabama's reputation for college football greatness in the past, I figured that they were a safe selection. The good news is, as sure as I am writing this before you today, I did live. The bad news, it was because of one player. One player! That means that despite all of the accolades and achievements at the collegiate level, much like the elementary school English teachers of Alabama, this football program is failing to prepare them for when it be matterin' mos'. So am I to believe that if you are suiting up for Nick Saban, then you will be no different from what they say to anybody else insofar as that they should enjoy college because it will likely be the best years of your life? Football and my little Death Row Intro are games, I get it, but really? Just one guy among two teams-worth of starters? Thumbs down to Alabama for using players as cogs in the machine and failing to prepare them for further greatness. As a little nugget here, Ohio State had three representatives and Washington and the University of Miami each had two. Way to go Alabama! In closing, this lack of representation at the elite level and coming up short and this years' championship have Alabama's new slogan perfectly summarized by a song performed by the band Alabama entitled "Close Enough to Perfect for Me." Way to go 'bama!
Final Flippin' Football Footnote Fun Fact Fact Check: After looking at an article on Bleacher Report, I discovered that the football program outsourcing most of its talent to the NFL is.......Alabama! So, as I sit back and am ferociously force-fed the rest of this rant reducing, practical point puncturing piece of humble pie, let's all be reminded that posting on the internet does not make someone an expert and claims should be verified through multiple credible sources before hitting the "post" button, because otherwise you may just end up divulging some very embarrassing, if not mildly sadistic parts of your past for anyone to read about.
Each year, horror movies bring millions of dollars into box offices across the globe and these films are also responsible for a spike in Unisom Sleep gels as well as band-aid purchases resulting from nervous girlfriends sinking their nails into the man candy sitting next to them in the movie theater. I have never really understood the point behind horror movies, because if I'm going to fork over some money, I want to laugh or see something explode, but instead people are forking over butt tons of money at the cost of a few nights sleep and developing an irrational fear of blind people
Personally, as I was growing up, I couldn't help but come to the conclusion that kids can begin to weed out this fear by proving themselves to be tough by dominating at dodge-ball in gym class and inflicting as much pain as humanly possible on members of the other team who are not even close to being on their doctor's chart of where they are supposed to be with regards to height and weight at that age. Yet, when these same kids needed help memorizing the parts and functions that make up the Central Nervous System, who do they run to instead of run at? I digress.
Extreme consequences do make things more urgent and thus, make them more interesting. Take a game like Hangman for example, a game where if I can't guess what someone is trying to say, I have the eternal soul of a stick figure on my conscience. Do you have any idea how many innocent, lead limbed lads and lasses have gone to the gallows simply because I didn't pay attention in English class?
In social studies, some friends and I played a game where we would spin a globe and stop the spinning with our finger, whatever country we had landed on was blown up. That was how I first learned that most of the Earth's makeup is in fact water, because the vast majority of the casualties resulting from this game were reefs and fish. Side note, "pointing at a globe to see who dies" is rumored to be the military strategy for the Trump administrations' Secretary of Defense, James Mattis.
However, the game I remember most was one that my family played which I will call Find Your Name In the Credits. In this game, I, along with the other members of my family would fervently search through the credit reel at the end of a movie in search of my name in what can only be described as a post-film Purge, because if I did not find my first name (spelled exactly how I spell it) then the penalty was my hypothetical death. I will admit that having an easy name like Mark certainly has its advantages, my name is quick to write and easy to spell, However, do to the fact there is a similar sounding and much more common name, if I was not careful to articulate upon meeting someone for the first time, I can't tell you how many weeks of my life have been spent with new acquaintances calling me Matt. It's such a shame because names like Mark Mcgwire and Mark Zuckerberg are synonymous with originality and doing what ever it takes to win, whereas names like Matthew McConaughey and Matt LeBlanc make people think "Eh, maybe 10 years ago, but not now."
About a month ago, I was watching a Monday night football game between the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions and much to Jigsaw John Madden's delight, I decided to play a little game. During the player introductions I was going to pick a college and as the players said where they were from, if the college I had selected was said, I lived. Given Alabama's reputation for college football greatness in the past, I figured that they were a safe selection. The good news is, as sure as I am writing this before you today, I did live. The bad news, it was because of one player. One player! That means that despite all of the accolades and achievements at the collegiate level, much like the elementary school English teachers of Alabama, this football program is failing to prepare them for when it be matterin' mos'. So am I to believe that if you are suiting up for Nick Saban, then you will be no different from what they say to anybody else insofar as that they should enjoy college because it will likely be the best years of your life? Football and my little Death Row Intro are games, I get it, but really? Just one guy among two teams-worth of starters? Thumbs down to Alabama for using players as cogs in the machine and failing to prepare them for further greatness. As a little nugget here, Ohio State had three representatives and Washington and the University of Miami each had two. Way to go Alabama! In closing, this lack of representation at the elite level and coming up short and this years' championship have Alabama's new slogan perfectly summarized by a song performed by the band Alabama entitled "Close Enough to Perfect for Me." Way to go 'bama!
Final Flippin' Football Footnote Fun Fact Fact Check: After looking at an article on Bleacher Report, I discovered that the football program outsourcing most of its talent to the NFL is.......Alabama! So, as I sit back and am ferociously force-fed the rest of this rant reducing, practical point puncturing piece of humble pie, let's all be reminded that posting on the internet does not make someone an expert and claims should be verified through multiple credible sources before hitting the "post" button, because otherwise you may just end up divulging some very embarrassing, if not mildly sadistic parts of your past for anyone to read about.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Clueless
The frequency with which I lose things in my house has basically turned my life into a live action game of Clue, except I'm always the one that did it.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Misquote
Hi, I'm Mark Woonton and these are top ten quotes and people who definitely didn't say them:
- "You miss every shot you don't take." - John Wilkes Booth
- "A penny saved is a penny earned." - Jeffrey Skilling
- "You had me at hello." - Simon Konecki
- "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." - Bruce Jenner
- "So many books, so little time." - Captain Beatty
- "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." - Drake
- "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Kanye West
- "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present." - Santa Claus
- "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." - Caroline Marcil
- "Fairy tales are more than true! Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - Michael Vick
Sunday, January 8, 2017
An Inspiration
There's nothing like watching a good inspiring sports movie. The speeches in Remember the Titans, the amazing on-ice action in Miracle. My favorite, however, is Rocky. Sitting through the disastrous dialogue in those movies makes me look at multi-million dollar actors and believe "Yeah, I could do that."
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