You Darn Kids

I've been living in my place for over a year getting to know the people and places around me and today I finally met the representative grumpy old lady who feels like everyone drives down the street too fast. Listen, when you have an iced coffee in your car in August you can drive how you want, but I'm going to get home in a way that allows me to enjoy more than a caffeinated puddle, alright?

Let the Games Begin

I've decided that if they ever put stand up comedy in the Olympics, after Brian Regan and Jim Gaffigan are suddenly unable to compete do to a mysterious case of food poisoning that I would in no way be connected to, I would be the  next logical choice to represent the United States (after trying out and placing 4th in the sport of humility) And after I take home the gold, I would take those flowers that they give the medalists and go home to my blond haired, blue eyed, 5 foot 3 wife (and just for the sake of making sure I didn't  just describe one of my fabulous female friends, she also has to have a missing pinky toe on her left foot from an accident in her past life as an English explorer when she was sticking the flag in the ground of the New World saying "I claim this land in the name of OWWW!" Anyway, I would take the flowers back to my home in Butte, Montana where I chose to live simply because the first time I saw that written on a map as a kid I thought it was pronounced Butt, and that's my rationality for where I will live as an adult. Anyway, my wife couldn't make it to the games because she was far too busy at her job as a part time heart surgeon and part time lawyer, career choices which became necessary because her husband spends far too much time blogging when he should be getting ready for work to make any money and I would give her the flowers and say "I couldn't stop thinking about you while I was in the Olympics in Antarctica. And while I was there I applied to the University of Antarctica and they gave me a T-shirt just for applying, isn't that awesome! Sorryvthey are a little shredded, we got attacked by a rabid waddle of penguins." She would look me in the eyes and say "That's ok sweetie, but we are out of milk can you go pick some up?" And I would say the only two words a good husband needs to know........"FINE, WOMAN!" Just kidding. "Yes, dear"

Corporate Courtship

At work today, a woman complimented my job in the dish room telling me that I was friendly and worked very hard. She then asked what was an obvious follow up question to that which allowed our dialogue to have the conversational continuity of a film series that goes from Lord of the Rings 1 to Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to Star Wars Episode 3 and finishes up with Harry Potter 4.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" she asked

 I decided to cut her off at the pass and let her down easy......"Listen lady, I appreciate it, but you're like 96 years old and your English is mediocre at best so I just think communication would be a huge problem for us, I appreciate the compliment of your interest though."

 I said no I didn't and she said "Don't worry she's out there somewhere (as if my future wife is some lost kitten just aimlessly wandering around) Just keep working hard and she'll find you." she said

"I'm washing dishes..... I spend several hours a day scraping crusty, old lasagna primavera out of a sheet-pan, so unless I'm meant to be with Ariel from the little mermaid or 2004 Christina Aguilera pops outta this industrial sized dishwasher and does an absolutely killer rendition of "Car Wash"  I don't think this is the answer to my problem. I appreciate this 7th Heaven moment very much, but let's just think about dishes now."

We proceeded to promptly and peacefully put away the remainder of the plates and silverware.