We the People

When trying to make plans with a group of friends is like trying to pass a bill in Congress

Top 10 Reasons Your Neighbor's Dog Won't Stop Barking

1.    It’s Sunday and they are practicing for Monday’s return of the malevolent mailman

2.      Michael Vick is watching the game over their house

3.      Dogs have moved on from their dream of starring in visual art such as Cassius Marcellus Coolidges’ 1894 painting “Dogs Playing Poker” and have slumped further into their gambling and money hungry addiction by looking to perfect Lady Gaga’s 2008 smash hit “Poker Face”…….It’s not going well

4.      The dogs just learned that Warner Bros has a new Scooby-Doo movie in the works set for release in 2018 and they want to tell everyone they know how excited they are about it

5.      Those dogs have seen you jogging around the neighborhood. They’ve heard you talk to friends and family about how you’re going to eat right and get in shape, but they can see those pizza boxes. They can see into your window, into your kitchen and into your soul. You disgust them.

6.      Much like the human Last Clap Contest where two semi-civilized human beings try to get the last clap in during a round of applause at a performance, dogs participate in a Last Bark Contest in which two dogs engage in an exchange of back and forth barking and the winner is the one left standing after the irate owner has pulled out all of his hair and then proceeds to pull out a shotgun and cut the front yards’ dog population down by 50%

7.      The dogs are Dallas bred Redbone Coonhounds and they bark every time a car goes down the street that is not an American made vehicle. Although the dogs are very opinionated and slightly (if not extremely) racist, they just want to bring awareness to the fact that we are doing a grave disservice to our domestic economy by seeking easier and cheaper products overseas

8.      The dog is a sadistic little screwball who loves the harmless but unpleasant electrical pulse he gets anytime he wanders too close to the street. A sensation that borders right on the precipice of pleasure and pain jolts through his body and this bark is simply him repeatedly saying “please sir, may I have another?”

9.      Much like that annoying, short chick you went to high school with, the small dog stuck in her tiny world surrounded by dozens of giant, free roaming humanoids simply wants attention and has decided to continuously complain about the food it’s being served inside, the temperature outside and the fact that the dog across the street has the audacity and unneutered undercarriage to wear the exact same purple collar that that dog is wearing even though she had insisted that today was her day to wear a purple collar

10.   The dog can see in your upstairs window that you are being robbed, but you are far too busy downstairs stuffing your face with pizza to notice and you’re about to lose all of the jewelry you bought your wife over the years because you can’t hear the bustling and bumping of burglary because you’re yelling at the dog…….jerk. 

False Advertising

I am both baffled and embarrassed by the recollection of that period of time in high school that I felt it was OK for someone with my anatomical build to wear a Tapout shirt

Cut Off

Tony Romo and Robert Griffin III walk into a bar, both of them trip in the doorway and hurt themselves and they are asked to leave before they can do any more physical or emotional damage to those around them.