Death Perception

In order to compensate for my visual deficits while pulling my car in to the tight fitting garage, we put Styrofoam pool tubes on either edge of the garage door frame and a tennis ball is hanging from the front area so that I don’t give the stairwell going up into the kitchen any unnecessary renovations. When my car’s not in the garage, these helpful tools have essentially turned my side of the garage into what looks like a McDonald’s Play Area. And completely modestly speaking, if you were to head upstairs, you could get some of the best hamburgers in town (and possibly a completely free of charge spontaneous fireworks show, which may or may not feature some language not suitable for children, which I apologize for in advance

First World Twilight Zone Problems

Last night around 5 p.m. I called a pizza place in the area and ordered a Chicken Caesar Wrap. (Judging by the number of times I had to repeat my seemingly simple order) the incompetent pizza receptionist informed me that my order would be ready in a half an hour. We drove over to the address on the flyer and when we approached the door to the place, there was a sign saying that they were closed (and had been since 3 p.m.) I then hit redial on my phone and got a Verizon female robot informing me that the number had been disconnected and that the Great Robot Invasion of Earth had begun and they were personally coming for me next, seeking to avenge all of the household appliances I had hit in frustration over the years. I’d like to close this out by addressing two people: Mom and Pop shop owners who can go from having a half hour wait time to completely out of business in a matter of fifteen minutes, I am truly sorry for the economic hardships you face in this day and age. Secondly, to whichever alternate universe pizza shop my order went to and whoever the alternate universe Mark Woonton is who got to enjoy MY wrap: I will find you and I will kill you.