During the 18th and 19th
centuries, the Classical period of music had taken hold of much of Europe and
was considered to be an art form for the sophisticated and intellectual. The
music itself had the power to provoke emotion within each individual audience
member. They did this largely through intricate instrumental pieces that made
someone feel any emotion from joy to sorrow or peace to fear. Nowadays, I often
shut off the radio in a similar mental state that I had following the 85th
time that I saw the movie Inception (“What in the name of Engelbert
Humperdinck was that??!!”) During performances in the Classical Period,
audience members sat quietly and attentive until it was time to applaud. Maybe
it was because back then the drinking age was like 2 ½ years old so
by the time one possessed the coordination and endurance to stand and sit for
several hours as events such as concerts demanded, they could put away a 24
pack by themselves with little to no fuss. In todays highly restricted,
babysitters in the house and nets around trampolines society, alcoholics are
only allowed to gather together once every couple of months at events called
Country Concerts. I personally wish nothing but continued success for artists
such as Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean in the hopes that this issue will eventually
be self -correcting as high concentrations of people with highly concentrated
levels of alcohol in their bloodstream who are highly unable to concentrate
will eventually eat away at their own numbers one stadium parking lot-ful at a
time.
Given the success of the Now That’s What I Call
Music series, I have taken it upon myself to put together what I’m going to
safely assume is the first ever Now That’s What I Don’t Call Music CD
Set. Songs to make this list have to meet the criteria of either being socially
inappropriate to the point where I can’t believe they were allowed on the radio
or songs with such a repetitive nature, they are rivaled in their lyrical
complexity only by the naming of the traffic sign which instructs drivers to
stop.
If you are someone who is personally a fan of one or
more of these songs, please bear in mind that this list comes from someone who,
up until about a year and a half ago, thought that the Blue Man Group was one
group of guys traveling around. So again, this is just my opinion and I would
strongly encourage anyone who hasn’t heard any of these songs to take a listen
in order to formulate your own opinion (though I would not recommend doing so
in close proximity to any loaded firearms or steep cliffs) And if you are one
of the artists mentioned in the list, before you get too upset, consider the
fact that you are reading some lowly, largely unheard of blog instead of
spending your time looking to book a show at Madison Square Garden. So I simply
ask that instead of getting angry, you first reevaluate what you mean when you
tell people that you’ve “made it.” And at the end of the day, I am keenly aware
of the fact that my net worth is roughly .0000000000000001% of most of the
artists on this list so the core emotion behind this collection may very well
be jealousy. So here it is, the playlist of a mishmash of instrument banging
and vocal cord vibrations that makes my elementary school classes’ rendition of
the Pledge of Allegiance sound like angelic hosts and whose lyrical flow and
creativity make my 4th grade presentation on the digestive system (in
which I giggled while saying "anus" and just giggled again while writing it 12
years of maturing later) look like a Doctoral Thesis:
1. Pharrell
Williams – Happy
2. OutKast
– Hey Ya
3. Fountains
Of Wayne – Stacy’s Mom
4. Meghan
Trainor – All About That Bass
5. Fetty Wap - 679
6. Katy
Perry – I Kissed A Girl
7. Icona
Pop – I Love It
8. ACDC
– Big Balls
9. Aerosmith
– Big Ten Inch
10. Flo
Rida – Whistle
11. Katy
Perry – Peacock
12. J-Kwon
– Tipsy
13. Jason
Derulo – Trumpets
14. Miley
Cyrus – Wrecking Ball
15. Miley
Cyrus – Party In The USA
16. Miley
Cyrus – We Can’t Stop (Making Crappy Music)
17. Linkin
Park – One Step Closer
18. John
Mayer – Say
19. Sia
– Chandelier
20. Trey
Songz & Chris Brown – Club Going Up
On A Tuesday
